The end of an Era

As you know, I left my twenties behind this month and entered my thirties.  New Year's Day has always passed unnoticed in my life.  I set my goals for the New Year when I personally start my New Year, December 17th.  But as everyone discusses goals and wishes, I can't help feeling like this is an end of an Era.  This year, my life changed in a big way.  change is a constant occurrence in my life.  School, work and relationships are pass me like street lights.  The difference this year is that in the past, I felt like circumstances have, changed people have changed, jobs have changed, and even I have changed.  This year feels different.  I can't entirely describe it, except to say that this year, my life has changed.  It is a more definite, all-encompassing change.  It feels more complete.  I feel like my past is ending and my future is beginning.  I am living a new life and letting go of the old one.  I am okay with that.  There is nothing in my past I want to hold on to (well..except that I never seem to be able to stop coming back to LLF for the occasional visit. :)  I can't pinpoint what it is that makes me feel this resolution but I feel it. 

So to you I say Happy New Year!  Cheer up because life is beautiful, full of surprises and you never know which day will begin the rest of your life. :)

30 Years

Well world, I did it.  I made it through my first semester of law school.  I lived.  I wont' know my scores until sometime in January and I don't care to think about it.  I rested for a couple of days and on Monday, I turned 30.  That's right, I entered a new decade. It was scary to think about but it was the best birthday I have had in 24 years. :)  My boyfriend spoiled me.  The truth is, just remembering it at all would have had me elated but he did more than remember, he bought me a gift and took me out to a wonderful dinner.  I got to talk to everyone in my family, I got a massage, and I got breakfast with my good friend Des.  I was relaxed (perhaps still in shock) and just thoroughly enjoyed the day. 

 

My Brain Hurts

Today, I am at a breaking point.  I have completed 3 out of 5 classes and I feel like I cannot learn or remember one more thing.  This program is nuts.  We spend an average of 12 hours a day, six days a week learning tons of crazy information for 16 weeks.  Then when finals come, they are spaced 3 days apart.  That means, we have 72 hours to review, synthesize and memorize 4 months of information for a 4 hour final.  This is no joke.  My criminal law textbook is 1200 pages and we covered ALL of the information in it.  I will have 72 hours to cram 1200 pages of information, legal concept and cases into my tiny little, forgetful brain and beg Jesus to keep it in there for me.  No wonder lawyers can be such assholes.  They are as bitter as ex-prisoner who had to be some other man's boyfriend.  Anyway, my brain is so tired and in my civil procedure class, I (along with the rest of my class) learned little to nothing from the professor so I have 72 hours to clear up all the confusion of the last 4 months.  At this point I am ready to throw my hands up in the air, scream "f* it!" drink a bottle of wine and watch movies that make me cry.

I know, I know, "these are the moments that make us stronger" or "it's moments like these that you have to keep pushing, you're almost there"  blah blah blah.  I know.  But what I am telling you is, if my brain could vomit like a stomach, there would be brain spew all over this computer.  I am genuinely concerned about cerebral hemorrhaging.  I shoulda been a shepherd.

Breathe, Stretch, Shake

I turned in my final paper for Legal Writing on Sunday and took my first law school final exam on Tuesday.  I have three more and then I can stare at a wall for four months.  I can't really, I have a lot of work to do in those four weeks to make up for the hours I haven't been able to put in during this semester.  When I finished my exam, there was a brief moment of relief: breathe, stretch, shake and on to Contracts.  I am so out of energy and will power and patience but I have to make every minute count until it's over.  I will be honest, this is the hardest thing I have ever done.  It is hard EVERY SINGLE DAY.  It is nearly impossible to find a balance.  It is consuming.  I have the best boyfriend and I just have so little time for him.  I have a great job and I can never put the hours in that I need to.  I miss my amazing friends and family.  Every fear and insecurity I have rears it's ugly head at me every day.  It is a battle just to believe that I can do this much less do it.  I am right where I have always wanted to be but this life I chose is not an easy one.  I am still fighting for my dreams and my destiny but it really is a fight.  Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers folks.  Also, I just want to say thank you to my boyfriend.  You have been such an amazing support and I am thankful for you every day.  This would be so much harder without you reminding me that I am usually overreacting.  ; )

Final Stretch

I have two days of classes left in this semester.  Then, I have two weeks of finals.  I have 0 motivation left.  The list of things I have to do is miles long and I just hit this wall where I can't make my mind do what it is supposed to.  I have only about 16 days left and what I need to do is to man up and put every last ounce of energy and mind power I have into it and all I want to do is watch movies on the couch with my boyfriend.  Not good folks.  keep me in your thoughts and prayers.

This Chapter

     My story is no fairy tale.  There have been princesses in my story but they never had the lead role.  There have been monsters but the "heroine" of my story never sees them coming.  She confused the monsters with heroes, danger with adventure, and scars with lessons.  Some chapters have had unhappy endings.  Everyone's story changes them.  Everyone's quest creates a new character at each turn.  My story has been filled with life, love, loss, disappointment, lessons, triumph, failure and haunting memories.  My story is not what most think or expect from its cover but is not unlike many others. 

     I couldn't wait to start this chapter.  You know how it is, the chapter has such a promising title and after so many pages you just know it's going to be a great one.  All the chapters before that have been up and down, the chapters with too much excitement squeezed into a few pages and the chapters that dragged on, causing you to feel like you are waiting for something else and you don't know what it is.  But as the promising chapter unfolds, this sense of continuity becomes overwhelming.  All the chapters before it are tangled into it.  All the lessons are challenged.  All the mistakes weaken the resolve to continue.  All the fears dance around the character.  As you read her story, you want to slap her, you want to yell at her, you want to laugh and cry.  "What is wrong with her!" you think to yourself.  "Why doesn't she get it?" you sneer.  You can't remember why you keep reading this story!  "She can't still be so weak and afraid and easily disillusioned?  Can she?"  You get tired of her.  You get tired of her weakness.  You get tired of her fears. But maybe, in a beautiful moment of inner strength, she will make her story better.  Maybe a knight in shining armor will finally come for this damsel who is always in distress.  

4 x 7

There have been many times in my life when I have felt like others just don't seem to understand how much I have to accomplish in a week to make my life work and keep my head above water.  I am certainly at another time like that.  It is hard to explain to people, without sounding like I am whining or making excuses, that every moment of my day has to be accounted for.  Even writing this blog is not a wise use of my time and I know that.  I worked all day, every day this week in hopes to spend today doing nothing with my boyfriend.  However, when I woke up this morning I realized I still had too much to do to take a day off.  I have a paper to re-write, extra homework to do tomorrow since they added classes and I had a hypo to write and turn in to my group this morning.  I get up early (as early as I can drag my tired ass out of bed), I study, I go to class, listen, learn, and participate in front of a class of one hundred, sometimes I get grilled by professors on my knowledge of the material, study some more, go to class again, study some more, go home, study some more, and usually about 12-15 hours later, I spend an hour relaxing before I pass out.  I don't have time for phone calls, personal responsibilities, friends and family, shit I don't even have time to do my job.

This week I got in trouble at work for not putting in enough hours, I got a very discouraging grade on my mid-term, and I realized that I am not sure I can make my money stretch as much as it needs to.  It was a very challenging week.  And I noticed when I tried to explain it, people can't seem to understand.  Maybe because the idea of "being in school" doesn't seem that challenging to most people who have finished their educations and have been working in the real world.  To be honest, I really thought law school was going to be pretty similar to undergrad and everything was going to be fine.  I worked full time in undergrad and kept an A average.  I have worked in law firms for 11 years.  How could it be that hard?  Well let me tell you, this is the hardest thing I have ever done and I am not even sure that using every moment and brain cell I have to give, that I can do it.  I wish I could explain better but I can't.  I just beg your patience with me.  I know that I am not able to be there for everyone like I should be.  I love you, I just don't have time for you.  I don't even have time for me.  Well I better get back to it.

Thankfulness, Week 1

November 1 - I am thankful that I was given the opportunity to chase my dreams by being accepted in to law school.
November 2 - I am thankful for my study group.  With them, I stand a chance of success.
November 3 - I am thankful that I am finally getting over this stupid sickness!
November 4 - I am thankful for my workout buddy, ex-roommate, support-system, Cheer-leader and friend, Des.
November 5 - I am thankful that God gave me the strength to be alone when it hurt the most, the wisdom to know I needed to be, and the hope that there is better.

The Cold Test

    When I get sick, I get "knocked-on-my-ass" sick."  And that, my friends, is exactly how I spent my weekend..."knocked-on-my-ass" sick.  It crept up Friday night after a pleasant evening of dinner with Little Sister and her Beau followed by drinks with some friends from law school.  On the way home, I noticed a little itch in my throat.  the next 4 days have been filled with obscene amounts of mucous, an exhausting amount of coughing, an overwhelming amount of aches, pains and headaches, and an unending feeling that one of my sister's labs is sleeping on my chest.  

     I usually only get sick like this once a year and I guess I am glad the worst of it hit me on the weekend but man, I forgot how much a cold can suck.  

     That leads me to more important thoughts.  I think a cold is a real indication of the kind of man you have found.  The way a man treats you when you are sick is extremely important and indicative of how well he will be able to take care of you and children in the future.  Having the best dad in the world, I sort of expect to be babied a little bit when I am sick.  I probably won't ask for it but I sure do notice when a guy doesn't attempt to take care of me.  

      This weekend, my boyfriend made me drink tons of V8 (thank God I haven't been able to taste or smell anything), made me fried rice (???), and anytime I had a coughing fit, he forced me to gargle salt water twice and drink a tablespoon of honey (ew).  He called that last one "an old negro remedy."  lol.  It certainly isn't what my dad did for me when I was sick (which was to buy me 4 or 5 different cold medicines and whatever I wanted to eat/drink at the store and then look at me so sad that he could do more :), but it certainly was adorable.  OH AND HE LET ME WATCH WHATEVER I WANTED ALL DAY ON MONDAY!  Until about 6 PM when he told me he could not watch one more episode of Criminal Minds. But he took good care of me, in his own way.  He passed the cold test. ; )

Things I Have Learned About Law School

I like lists.  :)

My law school has the number one legal writing program in the nation.

out of the 290 incoming students of my class, only 150 are expected to graduate.

I can get up at 6AM and study until 9PM and still not get everything done.

The daily goal is really very simple (in theory):  JUST TRY NOT TO LOOK LIKE A COMPLETE IDIOT.

Maybe later I will fill you in on just how badly I failed that goal last week.  Maybe I will suppress the memory altogether.

All 4 One

     Hello world!  I am sure you will all be pleased to learn law school has not killed me (yet).  I spent a little time in Civil Procedure to figure out how many weeks have passed and how many weeks are in a semester because that is just how good of a student I am.  Please, save your applause till the end.  :)  Turns out I am in week 10 of an 18 week semester.  That's right folks, I am 1/4 of the way through my first year of law school.  Seriously, clap later.  Oh wait, that only impresses me.
     I am pleased to tell you I started my new job this week.  I thought I would be starting months ago but there were some hang ups.  I am pleased to be the proud paralegal of another firm in Seattle.  Today I got up at 6 (which is my usual routine) and did homework, went to class, did homework, went to class, ate a sandwich, did homework, went to class and headed home for work.  Truth be told, I loved it.  I might be sick and masochistic but I am glad I am working while I am in school.  I like it for two reasons 1) I like for even a couple hours feeling like I know what the hell I am doing and 2) I like getting paid to do what I know. :)  I still feel nervous because this firm has put a lot of faith in me and the managing partner even told me he would like the first opportunity at hiring me when I am done with law school.  That's nice to hear, especially when I daily question whether I will make it that far.  Some folks have already dropped out.
     In other news.  I like my boyfriend.  He is as sweet as a little puppy cuddling you when you are sad.  He has been amazingly supportive and so understanding when I have so little time.  Pretty sure my bat-shit crazy ass doesn't deserve that but I'll take it.
     I miss my old life.  I miss my crazy old boss.  I miss friends.  I miss my coffee and longboarding with my little sister.  I miss my early morning workouts with Des.  I miss how good I was looking from those early morning workouts with Des.  I miss having money.  I miss free time.  But I have made friends in law school and I have a great study group that I think will really help me succeed in this new endeavor.  I am blessed so I certainly have nothing to complain about, at least that's what my boyfriend tells me. :)  Obviously he is smarter than me (don't tell him I said that).
     I know this is scattered but it is the longest conversation I have had that wasn't about some guy stabbing his wife 19 times or some stupid dispute over seeds or some kid being crippled for life because a 12 year old boy kicked him in the leg.  You get the point.  In summary, I am still crazy as can be and trying to do things I am convinced I can't just because I have undiagnosed multiple personalities but I am alive and do far they haven't kicked me out.  I'm learning a lot and I am so grateful for such a supportive boyfriend that calms me down when I get to worked up (well, actually he just starts laughing at me but sometimes that works too).
  I do genuinely hope that my relentless pursuit of what I know I am on this planet for inspires somebody out there not to give up.  And I hope that all my talking stretches some one's mind and makes their heart grow bigger so they can change the world.  Cause that's what I think it's about.  That's why I get up every morning, I want to make a positive difference.  With all that's wrong with me, I hope that my heart can change what my mind sees wrong with the world.

Racism

  I don't know if there is anyone out there who knows this about me, but I HATE RACISM.  I hate that our American history is the definition of cruelty and genocide.  I hate that America's success is intertwined with suffering and exploitation of African Americans and Native Americans.  I hate that people today refuse to look around them and see just how current the issue of racism is in our society.  I hate that people don't want to take the time to listen to the other side of the story.  I hate that people think racist jokes are funny.  I hate that the only way people believe cruelty and racism still exist is if they see a video and even still America wants to believe that it is the exception to the rule and not the rule.  I hate that a high school boy in a hooded sweatshirt on his way home from the corner market for iced tea for himself and skittles for his step brother can be shot because racial profiling is so widely accepted and has been for so long.  I hate that my friend crosses the street if he sees a lady walking alone because he knows how afraid she is of him.  I hate that people a symptom and call it the disease instead of spending a little time and hard work to find the true cause of the disease.  I hate that I see people I love hurt every day by an America who refuses to acknowledge anything is wrong.  

   I apologize for my rant.  Actually, no I don't.  It's just that the more I learn the more heartsick I become to find how racism is still so alive and well.  I just learned about the sterilization practices on non-consenting patients being targeted particularly at Hispanic and Black minorities as well as the "mentally deficient" in the last 100 years.  The statistics made me sick to my stomach.  And yet we are so self righteous in condemning the Nazis.  If you are even now justifying these practices because of your own racist mindsets or denying that there is a problem, congratulations, you are what's wrong with  the world today.  

Week 5

Things I did wrong this week:

 - underestimated how much time it would take to finish a paper on Sunday.  Result: I turned in a memo I am not even close to proud of.

 - I made my boyfriend go get me an ice cream bar at about 11:00 PM. I literally begged him.  Result: Shame and cellulite.

 - Didn't fully read my homework assignment for contracts.  Result: Didn't finish reading the last case before class and further resulted in me using the time I had planned on reading my criminal law reading, thus not completing that either.

 - Set my alarm for 6:00 AM.  Woke up at 8:45 AM.  Don't ask me how, it's a total mystery. Result: Missed class for Torts.

 - Haven't worked out once. Result: Need I tell you?

 - I ate pop tarts for dinner last night. Result:  So much shame.

Is this week over?  I'd like to put it behind me and forget it ever happened.

Life as a 1L

I realize I have been terrible since I started law school.  So here I am trying to play a little catch up (story of every aspect of my life right now).  I am in the 4th week as a 1L.  I am not sure why they call it that but it means first year law student.  I am not going to lie, it is so challenging, to the point that I daily think to myself, "I don't think I am smart enough for this.  It took me 10 years to get through undergrad and I barely did that!"  I have no friends and I am pretty sure I am not really going to make any.  It is hard to explain the culture in law school.  All the people who got there have this "best of the best" mentality and the woman all act like they have something to prove.  Let's be honest, I have nothing to prove, accept maybe to myself?  But I am no stranger to being the loner and not being liked. I can handle that.  I am sure eventually I will find a few folks who don't mind me.  If not, I will bribe some with beer.  That seems to be what everybody likes to do in law school: study and drink.

So it's challenging and lonely but I will be honest, I love learning about the law.  I always have.  It's kind of why I went.  So when I am sitting there for the 10th consecutive hour reading a case about a guy who doesn't have to be held liable for his paramour's suicide because she isn't his wife, I am fascinated.  I find it all so interesting and I am just trying so hard to keep all this information in my exhausted little brain.  I like it.  I wouldn't rather be anywhere else or doing anything else.  Then of course I close my book and realize it is 9:30 and I have about an hour to hang out with Amir before I have to pass out and he has been patiently finding other things to do so as not to bother me.  That's another new thing.  I have a boyfriend.  And he is so sweet and extremely understanding and he has been so supportive.  I was thinking on my drive home from school today, "He makes me feel like my life isn't too much for me to handle."  That is enough of the sappy nonsense.

All in all, my life is completely different than it was a couple months ago.  I got a new job (10 hours a week), I have a boyfriend, I have my own apartment, I live in Seattle, and I am a law student at the age of 29.  Gotta be honest, I kinda like my new life.  It's a major adjustment for a girl who doesn't like change and made herself sick worrying about it.  In the end (not that this is anywhere near the end) I am pleased with all my decisions and happy to be living my dreams. :)

Feeling Inadequate

I feel like I am 13 years old, standing at the foot of Mt. Rainier with no training, no food, and wearing Keds.   I don’t even want to expand on that.  That is just how I feel right now.  

Let the Games Begin!

I started law school this week.  It hit me like a pile of books, like a $1,055.00 pile of books.  That is a terrible feeling.  I could buy an entire bookshelf of books for that price.  And if I went to my favorite used bookstore with my little sister, I could buy a whole wall of books for that price.

Anywho, I know people are curious about how it's going and I finished my homework 15 minutes before class so I thought I will fill you all in for 5.  I can say that I have survived week 1 (well, it'll be over in 2 hours) without making a total fool of myself.  I have read all my assigned readings, learned to brief, and briefed all my cases.  So in the end, it was a successful.  I like my teachers.  I don't have a single white male teacher.  :)

Interesting story:  First day of my Contracts class, the professor called one name on the list and spent the next hour grilling that poor girl on the case we were supposed to have read.  Poor thing.  She did great, but it terrified us all.  That is what they call the "hot seat" at law school.  Let the games begin.  May the odds be ever in my favor. :)

More fun, I have to move this weekend and still get a boatload of homework done so I will probably not be blogging anytime too soon.

All In

           I try not to use a lot of religious jargon in my blog because I often find it unauthentic, not genuine, and ultimately annoying.  I would rather people know the person that I am, ugly as that is at times, than the person I would like to be.  Something that I heard in a sermon many years ago has been going through my mind over and over again.  I am not going to credit the quote because most will discredit the quote as that man has destroyed his reputation.

            The man said “When going through hell, don’t stop.”  This phrase quickly became just another overused Christian cliché in our church so I guess it got in my head pretty deep because it has been rising to the surface of my mind often lately.  I feel like the last 9 months of my life have truly been hell.  I have had my heart broken pretty tough, worked for the most demanding and frustrating boss I have ever met, gone through the grueling (and expensive) process of law school application, and since I have been accepted, every single aspect of getting to law school has been met with challenges and struggles.  Nothing has been easy.  Even this moment, I am feeling like there is a great possibility that something will go wrong, and I won’t be going.  It has been very hard and very lonely.  The support and encouragement I have received in this process has been little and come form the most unexpected places.  All at the same time I feel so hurt and angered by the people I expected to be there for me as I have always been there for them and so blessed by the amazing people God has recently placed in my life that I didn’t expect to be so amazing. 

             I have chosen to go to Seattle University School of Law and today I cancelled my loans (that I worked so hard to get in the first place!) so that my financial aid award can be processed through SU and I am anxious!  I have been apartment hunting which I enjoy about as much as a root canal.  But at this point, I am all in.  I have put everything I have into this (and that’s before it has even started!) and I am just waiting to see where the chips fall.  I just hope it has not been all for not. 

Decisions

Do you see me as more a bird or a Dog?

So Quick Question...

When making a pros and cons list for two different law schools, should I make each dollar of scholarship money offered its own pro?  maybe each thousand?  Do I include all three years or  just one year at a time?  Can I count "friends and family" as one and still count "long boarding with Katrina" as another?  Should each person I would like to be able to see count as a pro for SU and each person I will be glad not to see as a pro for GU?  Okay let's just start there, but I have a lot more questions.  Go.

Oh Man.

I am sorry.  I can't believe it has been almost a month since I blogged.  So here it the rundown of my life since my last blog.  Two days before I left Maui, life hit me.  Everything...my job, moving, law school, unapproved loans, friends and family.  It all hit me like one of those waves I was so nonchalantly surfing on only a week before but this time, I was not on top.  So I got home and I have been working as hard as I can since I got back and I still haven't caught up.  I am definitely being punished (which is weird since I was working from there?).  I have been trying to see all of the people I love before I go and I am ready to just move and get it over with all at the same time.  BUT my loans had not been approved, so I was two weeks away from my planned move date and I couldn't do anything about it because I didn't know for sure I was going.  FINALLY last Thursday I got my letter of approval on my student loans.  I felt like there was a 200 lbs. man lifted off my shoulders.  Since then, I have been trying so hard to get caught up at work, find a place to live, get my car fixed, get packing, see every friend I have made in the last 29 years in Seattle, and spend what little time I can with a very understanding gentleman.  I feel like my heart is being pulled in 10 different directions all day every day and there is just not enough time or money for this adventure I have decided to embark on. 

     So that, my friends, is why I have neglected this little world I call my blog.  I am too busy in the real world (which is never as fun). 

Real Talk

So this is going to be like a journal entry blog post.  You can skip it if you only like my humor.  I have been doing a lot of thinking and processing over here in Haiku and I just want to get some thoughts out. 
I am not sure when it happened, but somewhere along the way, I have let fear seep in to my life and have to much power over me.  As my parents would tell you (while shaking their heads and rubbing their face), I was a pretty fearless little girl.  I guess falling on my face too many times (both literally and figuratively right fam? :) has changed me.  As you know, my most recent fear has been of moving alone and starting over.  It has literally been making me sick.  This trip to Maui has hanged all that.  It has made me remember that I am strong and independent and the more I take risks, the more things I fall in love with.  I have enjoyed this time alone so much and I have enjoyed the adventure of a new place.  I have been here a week and I have already made friends, done tons of things I have never done before and survived finding my way in a foreign place.  I have also been learning (or rather re-learning) to live in peace.  To shut out all my anxiety and just be still in my heart and mind.  It has been so good for me and I am so thankful God has provided me this opportunity!  Thanks for listening. :)

My First Surf

Gues Who Will Be Learing to Surf in 3 Hours?!

Presents from Josh

 I told Josh that I love the beautiful flowers and plants in Maui, so now he brings me amazing baked goods and beautiful flowers.  I should never leave Maui.

Aloha

 

I have officially been in Maui one week and I have not hiked, biked, run, surfed, or swam.  I am about to remedy that. :)  I just booked a surf lesson for tomorrow, I am going back to Kehei today to body board/bike and then take a walk through the lava fields.  Friday, I plan to go see the waterfalls and the sacred pools of Hana.  Saturday I am booked to do this full day scuba diving tour.  Sunday I am going to go hike Haleakala and watch the sunset which Christian says will provide me with some "intense spiritual vibrations" that will stay with me forever.  :)  Here are some fun pictures from yesterday's trip to Kehei. 

     Ready for the beach!

Following my little love maps from LBL to Kehei!

This is what Larry called Kam 1.  I know that is not the real name but I don't know what it is.

It was beautiful!  Then on the way home, I saw the most beautiful, vibrant rainbow.  I really wish my camera was better because none of these pictures do justice.  It was so pretty.

Life in Maui Thus Far

I will tell you the truth.  I have stayed in the house a lot.  I am on page 1110 of the Count of Monte Cristo and I so want to finish it!  I have done some reading here though.

 This is A.H. Baldwin Park and I have done some reading at Hookipa beach while watching the surfers.

 On Saturday, Larry gave me 6 pages of instructions and maps and I followed them to the T.  I went to Hookipa, watched the surfers and read, then he told me to got to Paia (a cute little town) and wandered the shops.  I picked me up a couple things like this fun dress and hat.

 Do I look ready for the beach?  :)   And then I had a crepe at Cafe Des Amis.  It was baked brie, apple, avocado and black pepper (YUM!) with a lilikoi margarita (double yum!).  Then I headed back to the pad cause my roommate missed me.  Say hello to my roommate.

There are geckos all over the house but this one chirps the loudest and follows me around the house. :)  I think that's enough for now.  I will keep you updated.

Coffee?

This morning, my boss started the faxing at 4:45AM.  The fax machine is in my room and it rings like the world's loudest telephone before it recieves the fax.  So I log in and get started on work a little after 5AM.  So at about 6, I could really use some coffee.  So I put down the laptop and head to the kitchen where there is a sweet little gecko waiting for me on my coffee pot.  I think to myslef, he must be having a rough morning too.  Then I notice just to the right of my coffee pot, there is a cockroach lying on it's back and I think to myself, he REALLY had a rough morning.  So I go to brush what I thought was a dead cockroach off my counter and he happens to be alive.  So I killed him.  Now we have all had a really rough morning, but I got my coffee.

Let's Say I Posted This Friday, Shall We?

I am in Maui.  It was a little rough getting here but I finally made it and let me tell you, it was worth the trouble!!  This is a picture of the view from the house I am staying in.

There are three decks, all of which have those lounge chairs.  I love the blue water, I love the vegation, I love the smell of the air, and of course I love the 87 degree weather I have had for the last two days.  :) The plants and flowers are so different than I am used to at home.  I can name most plants (thanks to my remarkable mother and our summers in the garden) at home but here I don't know any of them.  They are so bright, colorful and beautiful!

Your body wants to heal.  It senses something is not right and tries desperately to repair what is broken.  However, if the bone is not corrected, the healing will occur but the pain will never subside, it will be prone to further injuries and when stress is applied it will break again.  Many say that the resetting of a broken bone is more painful than the break itself. 

This is the analogy that has been occurring to me over and over again in the last few weeks.  I feel like there is a resetting occurring and it is uncomfortable and even painful but it is the only way for me to be healthy again. 

There was a line (well 2 actually) in the movie “Why Did I Get Married Too” that stuck with me.  One of the wives in the movie said to her husband: “It’s the hardest thing to be with a good man after a bad one” and the husband said back to her “I think it’s harder to be with a good woman after she’s been with a bad man”. 

Closure

I realize that my blogs have become few and far between.  I am at one of those stages where I feel a little less humor and a little more stress and honestly, who wants to hear about my stress?  I don’t.  I would like to avoid it and I know you would too, so let’s avoid together shall we? 

I have a few issues to report bank to you on:

1) The epic mouse hunt has concluded.  The brave (and quite clever might I add) Ralph, my motorcycle mouse, breathed his last early Tuesday morning.  I believe he grew too confident with setting off those mouse traps for fun and eventually, he got caught (literally).  Bless his little heart. RIP Ralph.  You will be missed, your little poops will not.

2) I went to visit Gonzaga, had a major meltdown, and decided to return to repressing all feelings on the subject altogether.  My dad on the other hand really enjoyed it.  Apparently, in his eyes, every single man that has a Spokane address is better than anyone I have found thus far.  Fascinating really. 

3) I am still doing 2.5 jobs but as my dad always says, “I am one bad day away from retirement.”  I think about walking out the door and never coming back every single day. J 

4) I am going to Maui in 6 days and I think it is going to be amazing.  I think that it will be just what I need, seeing as at the moment I get raging pissed at a text message that I think is rude and then when I read it again I realize it wasn’t.  I think I need to breath for a few days.  J  Actually, I need therapy, but Maui will have to do for now.

5) I have done a pretty darn good job of saving my pennies (literally, you can ask my roommate).  I have saved about $5K and now I just need another $7K, in two months.   No big deal right?  Well this weekend I am selling almost everything I own so hopefully that helps.  Nobody can say I am not willing to give it all up for my dreams. 

Have I left you hangin’ on anything else?  These are all the things I can remember right now.  If there is further unfinished business that you need to cross over, just let me know. (Did you see what I did there, Little Sister?  FTW)

Good Morning

Every morning I go in to my boss’s office and we chat.  I never know what that conversation will hold.  Last week he told me that I look just like Kobe Bryant.  It was something about us having the same mouth.  Yesterday he said his life philosophy required him to never see me or speak to me again if I quit the firm.  Often he will give me his opinion on my outfit or what I chose to do with my evening.  It can be the highlight or the thorn of my day.

This morning, our conversation included some very nice comments.

He told me that I am honestly 1 in 6 billion and that I have a bigger picture (broader view) and better heart than any woman he has ever met.  He told me that because of those qualities mixed with my brightness, he believes I really can change the world with a J.D.  I never really know if he means anything he says to me but man that was what I needed to hear right now!

Then an hour later he walked behind me and yelled “Where’s Katrina!!”  That is my sister who quit 6 months ago and whose job I have been doing ever since.  I should be careful taking to heart the words of a crazy man.  J

Love Notes from Dad

I could analyze this picture and it's implications and the social effects and stereotypes to death.  However, I have a dad who loves me and knows my story and so I smile and post. :)  I love you dad.

I am looking forward to having my own space again.  I will enjoy being able to decorate it how I want it and make it my home.  These are some spaces I have fallen in love with for one reason or another.  I like clean simple space and I LOVE bookshelves.

 I just love this one.  I love the colors and the simplicity.  I would decorate the right wall that way but this is just so my style.

 I love these bookcases.  I also really like that chair.

 Oh I just love this room.  I hate the rug and I would put a different table in the window but I love it.  I could see my sisters and I spending a lot of time there.

More awesome bookcases.

This is just dreamy.  I don't think I will have the space to do this while in lawschool.  lol.

You May Say I'm a Dreamer

Do you ever feel like there is just not enough time or energy in this world to realize all your dreams?  Like you can only hold so many dreams before they all start to slip away from you and if you don’t accomplish the dreams you have, you will never know all the dreams inside you waiting to be realized.  I feel like my heart and my body are forever battling.  My heart wants to be free and live in a world of excitement and chance and forever dream catching.  My body belongs to a woman who has already lived out her dreams.  And my mind!  Oh my mind is like the evil stepmother in any fairy tale that wants to lock my heart away with all its dreams and hide the key, starving them both.  It is like deep inside I am an entirely different person that I want someone else to know but the truth is I barely know her myself. 

"Like"

So I have officially started dating again.  Let me just tell you, I don’t really like dating.  It is kind of exhausting.  But my friends think it is time and I need to do it so here I am.  Of course being the extreme over-thinker (and over-sharer) that I am, I have had a lot of thoughts pop into my mind.

Listening.

I went on a date the other day where someone remembered something I had said and it was a foreign feeling altogether.  I don’t know if people are just trying to pretend they listen at first but my ex-boyfriend never paid attention to a word I said.  It was a magical experience when he remembered something I had said and usually it wasn’t even really something I said but at least similar.  Truth be told, in four years he never once remembered my birthday.  I am not complaining, I am just noticing some qualities that I appreciate.  I don’t really talk a lot in a relationship, but I talk less when I don’t feel like I am being listened to. 

Respect.

I know this is broad, but everything it means, I want.  There is nothing that will make me angrier or leave quicker than feeling like I am not respected.  If you are going to make assumptions about me because of my size, face, body, skin color, age, or anything else, walk away.  I don’t want to spend my life trying to earn anyone’s respect.  I may be doing a poor job of explaining but if I have a different opinion, I want someone who respects me enough to know that my opinion matters, I probably developed that opinion for a reason and maybe even listen to why I have that opinion.

Humor.

I am not going to lie, someone that makes me laugh and we can keep the relationship light is one of the most important qualities.  I come from a family who survives because of laughter.  When I have a rough day at work, what I need is someone who I enjoy being with so much that I can let the day melt away.  This is something all my relationships have in common.  I want my partner to be my best friend.  This may be the most important quality for me.

Intelligence.

I don’t care if you went to college or finished high school or if you have a doctorate.  I absolutely look for a man that cares about intelligent issues and is not so lazy that they won’t do the research.  Ignorance is not cute to me and if you want to stay that way, neither are you. 

 Compassion.

My whole life is about caring for people.  My career goals, my reading list, and many activities I get involved in are all based on compassion and empathy.  If you don’t have those characteristics, if you don’t genuinely care about people, it just won’t work.

Humility.

There is just nothing sexier.  A man who could be proud but chooses to be humble is truly one of the most attractive character traits in the world.

Honesty.

I cannot stand being lied to.  It is my biggest pet peave. 

Smile

Can't help it.  I just really like nice teeth and full lips.  I know it's vain but it's my list.

So there you go dad, I guess you can consider this the beginning of that list you have been asking for the last 15 years.  lol. 

Maui

Guess who's going to Maui?  I will give you a hint...it's me.  :)  I booked my tickets last week and I will be spending two peaceful and relaxing weeks on the beautiful island of Maui. 

My boss's daughter lives in a beautiful home on the island and will be in Japan and so I will be staying there while she is gone.  The airfare was paid with company miles and all it cost me was $7.50 for booking the ticket online.  I am so excited it is just crazy!  2 weeks of peace and quiet.  Just me and the beauty of nature. 

I will of course be working both weeks but I will still have plenty of time for soul searching and sun. I am so excited it is just crazy.

Life Through My Eyes

Photo credit:  Dancers Among Us.