Unstable

I think I am currently emotionally unstable. I was having a pretty good day today. I was staying positive and trying not to let the small stuff bother me (as I often have to do working in this law firm) and all of a sudden this afternoon a wave of sadness came over me that I just can't shake. I have pretty much been wavering between bursting into tears or melting into a fit of rage for the last month. Which of course has resulted in me working harder, more quietly and with short answers to the people I work with. : ( which I do feel bad about. So this week I have been attempting to pick my broken spirits up and try to let go of some of the anger. But of wourse when I do that, I realize how much sadness it was masking. So I have developed a new coping mechanism...solitaire. I found out my phone has solitaire and I have been playing it anytime I am not at work or sleeping (I even play it when a movie is on or I am with people) to keep the tears from coming. I really just don't want to be sad anymore. I can honeslty say that I have sepnt more of the last 7 years sad over some guy that broke my heart than I have been happy with some guy who will eventually break my heart. I just want to be fine now. I want to be fine with being alone, fine with the fact that the relationshps I have tried did not work out, fine with the possibility that perhaps I will always end up alone. I just want to be fine.

Sometime I Wish I wasn't so Afraid to Tell the Truth

Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
hurt myself again today
and the worst part is there's no one else to blame

be my friend, hold me
wrap me up, unfold me
I am small, I'm needy
warm me up and breathe me

Ouch, I have lost myself again
lost myself and I am nowhere to be found
Yeah, I think that I might break
Lost myself and I feel unsafe

be my friend, hold me
wrap me up, unfold me
I am small, I'm needy
warm me up and breathe me

be my friend, hold me
wrap me up, unfold me
I am small, I'm needy
warm me up and breathe me

Cranky

I am cranky today. Little sister and Stephanie have both said I am nasty today. I am irritated and frustrated and I don't really know why. I just like to be left alone when I am focused and that never happens here. There is always someone trying to talk to me and I have been trying so hard to get so much done this week, I have worked a lot of late nights and I am just getting annoyed I guess.

Or maybe it is how irritated I am by the fact that every man I have attempted to let in but screwed it up with me is contacting me this month. Why is it so easy to let me go as a girlfriend but not one of them will ever let go completely? Why does friends matter so much to these guys? I mean seriously. I don't really keep friends that break my heart. And I am still hurting a little over the fact that the one "good guy" I found just got scared because some stupid woman treated him bad and he took it out on me by not giving me a chance.

Or maybe it is the holidays. I have never really liked the holidays (particularly Christmas). The only thing I did like about them was buying gifts for my family and making them smile, I have not been able to really do even that the last few years and I feel SO ALONE during the holidays.

Or maybe it is being out of school too long. I will never forget something my mom said to me once. She said "Kristin you are stressed out when you are in school but you become downright cranky when you are not in school." (paraphrasing) lol. I had never been conscious of it but it is true. When I don't feel like I am moving in the direction of my dreams I get really frustrated. I have been out of school for almost a year and while I am enjoying my life, I am turning 28 in 2 weeks and the fact that I am not in law school bothers me. Especially since I work with a 29 year old attorney. Who has been practicing for about 5 years.

Maybe it is all of those things combined. Maybe it is that I have been living in my apartment for 4 months and I don't even have a couch! Who knows. I need a beer. Thank God it is Friday.

Things I Never Want to Hear Again

"I was the lucky one to have you." "I made a mistake." "I should never have pushed you away." "I am just not ready YET." "You are the one I want to marry, I am just not ready for you." "I still want to be friends." which is code for "I want to keep you close so I don't really lose you and I can still have you when I am ready." "You were perfect." "I don't deserve you." "I'll love you till the day I die (of course after they broke my heart and I have gotten over them)." "Please give me another chance." Uggh. It all makes me sick to my stomach. I have an idea, how about someone figure out that what they have is good while they have it and just not screw it up.

Love.

To me love is that feeling inside that fills your chest so full with excitement that you feel your frame is too small to contain it.

To me love is when you wake up from a deep sleep because you are being held so tight you can feel the fear to lose you.

To me love is when you apologize simply because it hurts too much to have distance or silence between you.

To me love is that moment you realize you are standing on the edge of allowing yourself to be vulnerable and your heart seizes in your chest but you decide it’s worth the risk.

To me love is the possibility of unpredictable pain or sorrow.

To me love is the quirks that drive you crazy but you miss like crazy when they are away.

To me love is how much they makes you luagh and the feeling inside when you can make them laugh.

To me love is the list of things that you can’t wait to tell them because you haven’t seen them all day.

To me love is full disclosure, complete trust.

To me love is the most frightening, confusing, infuriating, and desirable experience I never want to feel again and never want to give up on.

Burdened

"My recent knowledge...had awakened a vulnerability within me, triggered something deep, unspoken, that haunted me, that burdened me." - Tatiana de Rosnay

I am reading Sarah's Key by Tatiana Rosnay this week (hooray for taking the bus!). I was really moved by the above excerpt. My family and close friends joke about how I will only read books when someone is being oppressed or mistreated. It's kind of true. I have such a burden for those who have been wronged in this life but not just a sad story. I mean the tragedies of the past and present. The stories no one really wants to hear because it is uncomfortable and even painful. I remember the first time I felt the way this woman so eloquently communicated. I was 18 years old in community college. I was taking a sociology class and they showed a film on historical racism in America. The film told stories of murder and showed pictures of lynching. I remember feeling like I had seen my best friend murdered before my eyes. I was fighting back tears. All the other students were completely unaffected and I felt traumatized. I remember walking out of class that day and this white guy (very hot white guy) said to me how he hated that school because he felt like the scum of the Earth for being a white male. It wasn’t his fault and he was tired of them always trying to make him feel bad. I couldn’t even make words come out of my mouth.

I don’t think the pit in my stomach or the burden on my heart has ever lifted. I can honestly say that I could (and hope to) send the rest of my life fighting that injustice. I was literally ruined that day. I spent the rest of my college career focusing my education on African American studies and the unique African American experience. Maybe no one will ever understand the feeling in my heart: the compassion, the empathy, the rage, the passion, the heartache. But it drives me every day. It is part of me. I carry the burden of that bloody history and I carry the passion to see our system abolish all forms of inequality and injustice.

I believe it is not easy to be a kind, caring, good person in our society. People so often use, abuse and mistreat other people that it is a difficult feat to make it through this life without becoming hard hearted or begin to look out for only number 1. That said, there are a few women in my life that I continually find my self in awe of and truly blessed to know and I would like to honor. I realize that few read this blog and those who do probably don't know them so consider this honoring them before god.
Krista Gayle Rustin. From the day I met krista ten years ago I loved her. There has not been one day in my life since that I have not. She has the most gentle heart, the sweetest spirit and has unending, genuine, humility. Just having her in my life is such a blessing and I am humbled and inspired by her everyday.
Chante Fiamengo. I met Chante in the most random of ways, in my coffee stand. I also knew we were meant to be together. Chante is such a good friend. Always caring and encouraging even when the complaining is so trivial. She is such a positive person as well. I went through a time in my life when I wanted all the negativity and drama out and I realized that Chante was always such a breath of fresh air. She is also an amazing mother: loving and patient. Chante embraces the seasons of her life and lives like she wouldn't change a thing. I adore this woman.
I love that the Lord has blessed me with remarkable women in my life that I continue to be encouraged, inspired, blessed by them. (More to come)

Isolating Silence or Dividing Words

I have noticed that I have become silent. In the last ten years I have been through a very difficult process of redefining myself and growing. I have learned a lot and I have changed a lot but no matter how much I learn and I grow, I always feel like being honest about who I am is going to offend someone. I love people and I think that is a good characteristic but I have noticed that I keep so much inside now because of what everyone else thinks and feels that I have withdrawn into myself. I think it is important to have grace and know when to not speak but I feel like I have been slowly bound by my fear and silence. I am grateful for a certain few who don't just "accept me for who I am" like they are doing me a favor but truly believe that I am an amazing person and trust that I can hear God for myself. A friend like that is more valuable than a million who just "love you anyway." I want to feel free to speak what I believe is the truth and is MY TESTIMONY whether it fits other peoples ideas of what it should be. It is me and I have no regrets.

Folly

Sometimes I feel like such an idiot. Is it that I am just really stupid or is Murphy's Law ruling my life? Perhaps it is some cosmic Karma (I know dad...you don't believe in Karma). No matter what it is, I have had a wretched couple of weeks. First, my keys fell out of my pocket on the bus which made for a complicated evening after work. Then last Sunday as I was putting trash into my trash can (which I keep on my deck), my door that only locks from the inside magically locked behind me leaving me stuck out there (on the 3rd floor) with no phone or keys. So I decided to put my old rock climbing skills to use and scale down the wall. I made it half-way and then realized there was nothing more to hang on to and fell about 15 feet onto pavement. I still can't put any weight on my heel and the scratches and bruising have yet to heal. That's not the end folks! I received free tickets to a Sounders game and was so excited to go with my little sister and actually get out of my house but when I got downtown to pick her up, I got in a car accident...and yes, it was my fault. So there is my hat trick of moronic behavior. I have nobody to blame but myself. I am so ready for this week to be over.

Business as Usual

So I think I am averaging one post every two months, which is awesome. That is about the turn around time of a phone call from a friend in my life as well. Life is great. I am living in my own apartment in mill creek. I am loving the crisp, clean fall weather. I still love my job (I would say I love it about 40 hours out of the 50 I work in a week). Now little sister is working about 30 feet away from me. So I have nothing to complain. I have everything I need and want in my life but none of the extra nonsense.

I have been feeling a little lonely lately. All the peace and quiet is allowing me (of forcing me) to face some things I have been avoiding in my crazy busy life the last couple years. I am finding some things hurt a lot more than I realized and now I get to face it. So that is awesome. I know it is part of being a healthy individual to deal with things but I am just so good at not! : )

My back has been getting worse so I am hoping to get back into yoga. My boss asked one of his clients for a free pass at her yoga studio (which happens to be a block from my house). That would be amazing since I am trying to save money every way possible right now.

That is all I can think of for now. I will try to get my Internet set up soon so that I can blog when I am lonely and melancholy at night. Those bogs are always more interesting.

Vegas

I went to Vegas with my sisters a couple of weeks ago and I was stuck by two things. 1) How much we have all changed in the last few years. I was confused when we all decided to go to Vegas because it is not really like Kim or Kati to want to drink or party or gamble. But I had resolved that a week by the pool was exaclty what we all needed. We slept and laid by the pool all week, ate some fabulous meals and made some memories I will keep with me forever. I noticed how my priorities and desires and even what I value has changed so much in the last few years. I like the changes in me. : ) 2) How amazing my sisters are. I love spending time with my sisters. Something that really struck me on our trip was how incredibly different we are. We have different dreams, thoughts, personalities and even accents. I love that my parents raised us to really just be who we are and I absolutely adore who my sisters are. Kim is kind, generous, caring and so nurturing. She saved and planned just to bless Kati and I for our accomplishment of gradtuating college. I love you for that Kim. And I love the person you are: a faithful woman who loves God , her husband and her family. And I love my little sister. I always say I raised her myself but she is so unique. She loves adventure, love and always looks for the beauty in life. She is hardworking and brilliant. (really. almost to the point of annoying :) But what I love most about my sisters is that we will always be there for each other. We can always appreciate each other for who they are. I love that my dad taught us that friends will come and go but your sisters will always be there. He was right. They are truly a blessing in my life.

Update

So I finished my B/A. I made it through my commencement ceremony. I spent the most wonderful week with my sisters in Vegas. And finally, I have started a new job. I was blessed with a paralegal position at a law firm downtown. I have a 10 minute bus commute to the office which is amazing (especially since they gave me a bus pass) and a beautiful view at my office (well more like cubicle but I like it). I have been working alot of hours but so happy to be doing what I love again and not having to get up at 4 am. Things are definitely looking up. No complaints. : )

Inspirations and Help

As I am coming to an end as well as a beginning in my journey, I have been thinking alot about the important people along the way. I know most will never see this but I kinda just want to say it. My mom always pushed me for better. She was only happy with an A. She pushed me to be a better student and told me I was capable of better. That push is still in me today and I probably wouldn't be where I am without it. My dad was there to remind me it was okay when I didn't get that A. he was compassionate and loving and always commended me for all the effort even if I didn't get the results I wanted and I am grateful for that. I also still call him for that encouragement when I am in despair about life not turning out how I wanted. Good parents are very rare these days and I absolutely adore mine. Kana Crealock saw the Lord in me and never saw a failure. She was a saving grace from a childhood education that told me I would never amount to anything. Laurie Unger challenged me. In rising to that challenge I found that I was intelligent and her class planted the seed that grew into a love of literature and learning. Grandma Eadie made me a better writer. She told me I was good and everytime I relied on her, she told me I was better. I loved that woman and she will forever be in my heart. Esther was the Lord's grace for me in Master's Commission when truth and reality were hard to find, Esther reminded me that my search was not in vain. She also taught me to write in my books and really get everything out of them I could. All of my friends for loving me even though I have rarely been able to be there for them. And my professor Leslie Ashbaugh has made me believe I am capable of reaching my dreams. She has told me I am intelligent and my thirst for knowledge is a powerful and beautiful thing. And one last person that maybe didn't have a lot to do with my education or career but I know my heart and hers are the same: Anne Wilson. I still miss her and I know that she would still be proud of me today. She knew that life was hard but you make the best of what you've got and laugh as often as you can.

On a better note

Okay. So the last blog was a little depressing. All of it was true but I found out that I am also so tired because I have mono and anemia and my vitamin D level is very low. My iron is actually dangerously low. The doctor is wanting my to pump copius amounts of iron into my body that will stop up my digestion. lol.

Things I am thankful for : )

• I finished my law school aplications (after about 200 hours and $2000 invested in the process). So that is a huge relief.
• I am in my last quarter of school which is a huge accomplishment as I have been working for this for 10 years now.
• I have very little debt as the Lord blessed me with scholarships and grants in these last 2 years. I am moving to the U district with Andrea and Nicole at the end of the month. It is a really cute house and we are getting a good deal on it.
• I have a great car that has been really good to me. And she's pretty. : )
• I GET THIS SUMMER OFF! Six months actually to recover from mono and have fun with my girlfriends and just have fun. SO excited.
• I have amazing friends and family that are so encouraging to me when I am down. Especially my family.
• I know I am chasing my dreams. I am fighting for what I believe in which is an encouragement everyday.

So there you go. These are the things helping me get through my days. Everything will be okay.

Tired

I am sad and tired. I am tired of being broke. I am tired of being stressed out all the time. I am tired of feeling like a failure or like I am just barely making it. I am tired of having minimum wage jobs that treat me like crap. I am tired of busting my ass all day every day. I am tired of heartbreak. I am tired of being alone for years and then when I finally let someone in they treat me like an old shoe. I am tired of living with my parents (though I appreciate them and everything they have done and it has been a blessing that they have let me stay with them). I am tired of this numb feeling that comes from being unable to change the things in my life that make me unhappy. I am tired of telling myself that if I can just hang on, I will reap the blessing later. Truth is, part of me doesn't believe it. Or maybe most of me doesn't believe it. I am tired of secretly believing I am fighting for a lost cause: myself. I feel like I am never going to be smart or successful or happy or in love but I just keep trying my hardest to fool everyone around my into thinking I will be someday. I am tired of being afraid to try change my life cause I will only fail and that would be worse that what I have now. Maybe I am at that point where things are gonna get better right around the corner? Or maybe I am just too tired.

Last Lap

I feel like I am running the last lap of a 4 mile race but I didn't pace myself so I have no final burst of energy. I have nothing left. I just wanna throw up. I know I am so close but I feel like I just can't muster up the energy. I think my statistics class is going to ruin my GPA. I have no time between my work, school, my law school applications and trying to keep up on my health. Ugh. 2 more weeks. 2 more weeks. 2 more weeks. I think I can. I think I can. I think I can.

Absent

Sometimes I realize how much of life I am missing. Don't get me wrong, I am not unhappy with my life. There are times, however, that I think about times with friends and conversations with my family that I feel like I never really engaged. I listen but can't focus, I miss important facts, I forget a lot. I hate this. I don't like how little time I have and the time I do have I spend thinking about what I still need to get done or totally spacing out because I just can't concentrate anymore. I love that I am accomplishing my goal and fighting for what I know can make a difference in this society. I love that law and social justice make me feel alive. But I never wanted to be someone who sacrifices friends and family in the process. My friends are getting married to men I have met maybe once. Children are growing up so fast and I see them maybe once a year. It is difficult for to accept this as a part of life. And the saddest part is that I know it is only going to get more like this for who knows how long. Lord give me the strength to continue in this course and help me to be a good friend to those that have been there for me.

Personal Statement

Please sum you life story and important qualities up into a two page, double-spaced paper. For best results, make sure you tell me everything I want to hear. I would like to know that you are brilliant, driven, destined for success, embody the struggling social groups in America, and have a difficult economic background (but of course are stilling willing to pay $45,000 a year to achieve the success you are destined for). Make sure you make no mistakes, reveal no mistakes and know that if you make a mistake in the future... You are screwed. Now be open and honest and meet difficult deadlines so that I can throw your statement on the floor due to your mediocre LSAT score and GPA. Basically: I dare you to prove you are everything I already know you are not. : (

New Year

I am not one for New Year's resolutions. I don't care much for silly goals I don't intend on meeting or promises I can't keep. If it wasn't important enough on March 3rd or November 16th to do it...why do I think I am going to find sudden inspiration on January 1st? However, I am very excited for a new year. I have had some rough years (like the last 5). I have accomplished a lot, learned a lot, and I am grateful for a lot in those 5 years but it has been a rough road. This year I will get my B/A and I will find out where I get accepted into law school and I will begin law school in September. Everything about my life is going to change this year and that gives me hope. I am ready for the change! I am tired of my life as it has been. I do not know what the future holds but I kind of feel like I am getting to finally start the rest of my life. I am excited for what this coming year will hold. I am also a little nervous and scared but mostly excited. So cheers to 2010! I hope it is great for all of my friends and family as well.