If We Hold Still She won't See Us

When I was hired, I was hired as the paralegal to the senior partner.  That is a challenging job.  Most of his paralegals don't make it.  Call me crazy but when I clearly communicated to my boss that I did not, in fact, want to be paralegal to 3 partners for no pay raise, I didn't think that I would end up doing so anyway.  Do they think I don't notice?  Like maybe if they EMAIL assignments to me or say please and thank you then I won't notice that I am actually working for 3 partners.  It is like little kids hiding their head under a blanket and I am the babysitter who has to pretend I don't see them and hear them giggling.  Please believe that I will be asking for a raise in two months even though I know I am leaving in 4.  And I think a nice bonus is in order.  I know I am dreaming but I am still going to ask. :P

In My Defense

I have come to accept that it takes me a VERY long time to “get over” a relationship.  I sometimes wish that it was not the case.  But having once been someone who was so far removed from my feelings, I am actually glad that I feel deeply (most days).  I love deeply so I feel loss deeply.  It is who I am and I have certainly accepted that. 

Side Note:  I think most people in fact a long time to truly heal from a broken relationship but few take the time to do so.  An analogy of this is people who take cold medicine.  It is rather than suffering through the cold and allowing our immune system to become strong and develop the antibodies, we take medicine so we don’t have to feel our symptoms and to shorten the process.  That is not so good for our bodies and I think jumping into a new relationship with open wounds is not good for our hearts (or the person we are involving ourselves with).

Sorry.  I just feel strongly about that.  Anywho.  I wanted to say that while I may take ions to get over a relationship, I do not sit around moping, blogging, and saying nondescript sad things on facebook.  In fact, it motivates me.  I have been suffering loss and healing for the last 5 months and in that time I have gotten fit (lost 6 pounds), read about 10 books or so, applied for and got into law school, and implemented a new lifestyle to help me get over my chronic recurrent mono (which I will blog more on later).  Let’s be honest, for a girl who is tired the majority of every day and living with a broken (but mending) heart, that is not such a bad 5 months.  Imagine what I am capable of when I am healthy and whole hearted. 

 I’ve got the music in me. :)

"Where I Stood"

I don't know what I've done
Or if I like what I've begun
But something told me to run
And honey you know me it's all or none

There were sounds in my head
Little voices whispering
That I should go and this should end
Oh and I found myself listening

'Cause I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cause she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood

See I thought love was black and white
That it was wrong or it was right
But you ain't leaving without a fight
And I think I am just as torn inside

'Cause I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cause she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood

And I won't be far from where you are if ever you should call
You meant more to me than anyone I ever loved at all
But you taught me how to trust myself and so I say to you
This is what I have to do

'Cause I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cause she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood
Oh, she who dares to stand where I stood

Just Sayin...

     I may be a tired old woman, but I am still a revolutionary.  I don't say that with the meaning of an artist.  I don't think I am brilliant or original.  I can't say beautiful, impressive things.  I am just militantly passionate about fighting for the underdog in a corrupted political system. 

Soul Food

This ain't a song for the broken-hearted
No silent prayer for the faith-departed
I ain't gonna be just a face in the crowd
You're gonna hear my voice
When I shout it out loud

[Chorus:]
It's my life
It's now or never
I ain't gonna live forever
I just want to live while I'm alive
(It's my life)
My heart is like an open highway
Like Frankie said
I did it my way
I just wanna live while I'm alive
It's my life

This is for the ones who stood their ground
For Tommy and Gina who never backed down
Tomorrow's getting harder make no mistake
Luck ain't even lucky
Got to make your own breaks

[Chorus:]
It's my life
And it's now or never
I ain't gonna live forever
I just want to live while I'm alive
(It's my life)
My heart is like an open highway
Like Frankie said
I did it my way
I just want to live while I'm alive
'Cause it's my life

Better stand tall when they're calling you out
Don't bend, don't break, baby, don't back down

[Chorus:]
It's my life
And it's now or never
'Cause I ain't gonna live forever
I just want to live while I'm alive
(It's my life)
My heart is like an open highway
Like Frankie said
I did it my way
I just want to live while I'm alive

[Chorus:]
It's my life
And it's now or never
'Cause I ain't gonna live forever
I just want to live while I'm alive
(It's my life)
My heart is like an open highway
Like Frankie said
I did it my way
I just want to live while I'm alive
'Cause it's my life!

Ralph

     I know that the majority of the population most likely believes that I make this stuff up.  In fact, the receptionist/seminar coordinator that replaced Katrina regularly comes up to me and says "You weren't kidding!"  I am constantly telling her that she will eventually learn I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried.  THIS OFFICE needs no exaggerations.  She is learning. 

     Yesterday, I made a new friend here at the office.  Actually, I think I realized yesterday that I have had a secret admirer all along.  As I was mailing out letters something brown behind me out of the corner of my eye but when I turned around, there was nothing there.  I then told myself I desperately need a new job because I am literally losing my mind.  A little while later I was working at my computer and a noticed that I had a mouse playing in my plants on my desk.  I rolled my seat away, as he did startle me, and he scampered across my desk (toward me mind you) and hopped in my Jade plant.  I have named him Ralph in honor of my favorite children's book.  

 

     I decided yesterday that if I found a daredevil mouse that will climb to the 38th floor of a Seattle building and likes to spend time with me at my clean desk, I will accept that friend and I will buy him a motorcycle.

     Sometimes the best way to handle the situation is simply to accept what life has brought you and even if I haven't wanted a pet mouse since I was 8, I will accept the late delivery.

I Got In!!!

     I got in to law school! 

     I was having a terrible week because I was so sick and frustrated with this neverending case of chronic mono and several other frustrations that I have with my life at the moment.  When I got home on Friday after a lovely sushi date with my good friend, I got my acceptance letter from Gonzaga!  At first, the only thing that hit me was relif that I didn't have to deal with one more rejection letter (I also got rejected earlier last week by UW). 

     On Saturday, I went to my parents' house and was telling them my good news, I showed them my aceptance letter and began reading the other documents that came with it when I suddenly realized I had been offered a $13,000.00 Dean's Academic Scholarship!  I think it is only now beginning to sink in that I may be going "off" to law school and not just taking classes around here.  Nothing is decided though, I still have 4 schools to hear from.  But a little good news (or even just non-bad news) is a nice change. :)

So since I have been feeling a little low and needed something to cheer me up, I did what everyone does: I went on The Urban Dictionary and searched my name. :) Then, I copied all the entries, deleted the ones that didn't sound nice, fixed the spelling errors, and pasted. You're welcome.

1.      Kristin

One of the coolest people you will ever meet. She is always there when you need her. She likes to kiss her guy friends. She got that cashflow. Drives a silver mustang, and dont take shit from no one.

"She be fly",
Nah, she be Kristin

2.      Kristin

The most loving, beautiful, caring and amzing girlfriend.
You're best friend.

Kristin is so beautiful.

3.      Kristin

Wonderful in millions of ways. There are no words that describe the sheer radiance of this beautiful creature. Wise beyond her years she can tap into nature and reveal all of its secrets with nothing more than a smile. An angel in disguise she is free-spirited and fun loving.. One could only wish to tame this wild temptress. Graced by god.

"ohhhhh Kristin.... OOOOhhhhhhh Kristin!!!!!!"

4.      Kristin

A beautiful girl who is a bit shy & likes to wear puffy shirts.
Known for making killer strudels and sarcastic remarks.

"Damn that strudel was tasty"
"Must have been a Kristin strudel"

5.      Kristin

A brown skinned urban goddess. Intelligent, Beautiful, and Interesting, Kristin can be a man's upbringing as well as his downfall.

He thought no one to be as beautiful as Kristin.

6.      Kristin

The most amazing friend you will ever have. Beautiful inside and out. Amazing. The shit.

Oh my gosh she's perfect.
Yeah, that's Kristin.

7.      Kristin

The best little sister in the whole wide world, who makes everyone smile and whose name BUSTS CAPS. She deserves all the cuppycakes in the whole wide world, and her big brother promises not to make her eat pumpkin.

"Wow, you're totally awesome, but you could never be as great as Kristin!"

8.      Kristin

Bright, clever, intelligent, with looks to boot. She embodies style. Her beauty requires little make-up, though she'll never leave the house without lipstick. She is a domestic goddess, maintaining house, kids, and dogs with seemingly no effort. The proof that it really IS an effort is in her buff arms, which could easily be used for celebrity body-double purposes. She is the best of the Enjoli Woman and Martha Stewart.

9.      Kristin

Kristin is someone who is amazing, brave, wonderful, and loving. Someone everyone loves to have around. Very beautiful and not afraid to speak her mind, also loves to have many adventures.

Man, that girl who walked down the street is hot! No, she's Kristin!

10.  Kristin

So funny, pretty, and likes to talk. Typically, shy & sweet. Will fall in love easily; but never admit it. :)
She is pretty, usually born blonde, loves to dye her hair!! Favorite colors change with her mood. Her eyes can make you melt; you will never want to look away from them. <3

She will date a lot but for no reason. She won’t get comfortable fast, but if she does know that you are something special. She is so smart but tries not to be. Kristin is very insecure about herself; she tries not to show it. She writes a lot to express herself and she loves it. If you date her or like her be kind and share your heart she will never betray you! She will hold in your secrets as long as can be. She will always want to be friends with you even if you break up. Love her stay with her :)) She will never forget you!

Boy: I think we should break up?
Kristin: I saw this coming... Stay friends with me?
Boy: I don't think that is a good Idea...
Kristin: I guess I can understand but I won’t always be here? You mean a lot to me and I would just like to let you know. Goodbye.

11.  Kristin

A girl with a sense of attitude. Not a small girl, but deff not a tank. Likes serious relationships and loves when guys call her beautiful. Sometimes insecure, but not all the time. Knows what she wants in life.

Man, I want to be like Kristin
Kristin, she's the girl I'm looking for

12.  Kristin

A sexy, insane girl that will be the best girlfriend you will ever have. They are many guys in line so you better ask her out fast. She is loving, caring and hot!

Guy 1: "Damn she's sexy! I wanna ask her out."
Guy 2: "Yeah, Kristin is a goddess. I’m gonna ask her out."

13.  Kristin

She is beautiful in everyway and lights up the room and I love her.

Kristin, be my wife? :)
Oh my gosh, Kristin's amazing.

San Francisco

I am officially ready to talk about my trip.  I went to lovely San Francisco (with Little Sister) last weekend for two of my friends to enter into Holy Matrimony.  :)  It is not everyday someone who has been your friend for about 25 years meets someone you have been very close friends with for about 10 years and they fall in love and choose to spend the rest of their lives together.  It is kinda fun.  So I down there for the bachelorette party (as requested) and let me tell you something...I am old.  My great friend Krista and I used to LOVE to go out dancing but we were ready for bed before we even got out the door. 

       I got to spend time with many friends that I am so grateful to have and a made a few more.  I ate some yummy food and enjoyed beautiful weather. 

        I also survived the "High School Reunion" aspect of the weekend. I made myself sick with anxiety and found that San Francisco is not conducive to sleeping for me. It also makes me car sick with all the windy roads and hills.  

       In the end, my Josie married the man she loves, I remembered how blessed I am to have such amazing people in my life, and I got a little sunshine with my sister. 

I think that means that all-in-all it was a successful weekend. : ) But I am very happy to be home.

Hello Old...Friend?

I have been going through some strange and difficult times in the last 6 months or so and things have just gotten really weird.  Many things in my life and in me have changed in the last couple years and sometimes when I look at myself, I do not recognize me.  I had a conversation with my roommate last week and she told me that I needed to accept myself and become confident in me.  It was so weird because I did that already.  When I was 16 I decided to focus on the positive aspects of myself and stop caring what people thought about me.  I thought I was a very confident person.  Unfortunately, the last couple years I have been looking older and older and recently I found myself very alone.  I can’t even remember my self confidence ever being this low.  Oh wait, yes I do…in junior high and high school.  So my roommate explained that when she was 28 she went through a similar situation and she had to really work through some things and accept who she is now all over again. 

This week, I went to a wedding that was very much like a 10 year reunion and I realized that I was that same little 15 year old girl who thought she was ugly and nobody wanted anything to do with her.  It was terrible. Even my good friend Krista tried to encourage me and I couldn’t believe a word she said.  My roommate was right.  I am going to have to stop seeing every wrinkle and bad habit I have developed in the last 29 years and start focusing on the good aspects of who I am and what stage of life I am in.  I really am my worst critic and if I had a friend who thought about me the way I do, I wouldn’t want to be around them.  I guess I am just going to have to start looking for the good so I can stop being a bad friend.