I know right? 2 posts in one day? Calm down, I am not going to start posting 10 a day like Little Sister. I just felt like I had more to say about everything than just to report some good news. The truth is, I am full of mixed emotions at the moment. And those emotions are a bit extreme. On one hand the amount of happiness and relief that things are finally going to get easier instead of one hardship after another (financially) is inexplicable. Also, my increased energy level may seem like a small thing to most people but I am telling you that the exhaustion I have been fighting (and quite frankly losing) for the last 5 years is so much worse than people understand. Working full time and going to school full time is hard work. But trying to do that with chronic mono, it got more difficult to succeed every single quarter. I thought after it was over I would be able to recover since working one full time job seemed like a piece of cake by comparison. But I have not recovered. In fact, I feel more tired all the time.
The whole thing changed me. I don’t think the changes were all bad but I have been living in survival mode. A lot of my love for life has dissipated. I barely have enough energy to make it through my work day and then I spend the remaining part of my life resting, hoping to catch up and regain my energy. I am not trying to give anyone a sob story here. The truth is, I never really thought too much about it. I have just been realizing in the last couple months how much it has all changed me. I don’t spend time with friends. I don’t dance. I have a hard time running. The idea of having the energy to do things I enjoy or have fun with friends after I get off work and on the weekends is crazy but so exciting to me.
On the other side of the emotional pendulum, I am afraid to get excited about good things. I have taken some devastating blows, one right after another and it is hard for me to imagine that things could just keep getting better. Between the car accident, the medical bills, not getting accepted into law school, relationship failures, and my diminishing health, I just deal with one frustrating situation after another as best I can. But I don’t want that to be my life anymore. I want all the hard work to pay off. I want all my dreams to come true, shit I just want to have dreams again. I want better.
Right now, things are getting better! I am feeling my energy increase and immediately I am starting to make plans and dream again. I am working on a schedule for the law school application enrollment deadlines and LSAT study schedule. I have already planned a vacation to see my brother and sister. All the change is making me feel really uncomfortable and even scared (because the only thing I seem to be more afraid of than failure is success. I think because I am afraid of feeling successful and then failing. I think. Not sure. No any good therapists?), but it is all really exciting as well!
Well that was your little window into my confusing and anxious insides for today. I hope your dreams come true too. J
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