Inspirations and Help

As I am coming to an end as well as a beginning in my journey, I have been thinking alot about the important people along the way. I know most will never see this but I kinda just want to say it. My mom always pushed me for better. She was only happy with an A. She pushed me to be a better student and told me I was capable of better. That push is still in me today and I probably wouldn't be where I am without it. My dad was there to remind me it was okay when I didn't get that A. he was compassionate and loving and always commended me for all the effort even if I didn't get the results I wanted and I am grateful for that. I also still call him for that encouragement when I am in despair about life not turning out how I wanted. Good parents are very rare these days and I absolutely adore mine. Kana Crealock saw the Lord in me and never saw a failure. She was a saving grace from a childhood education that told me I would never amount to anything. Laurie Unger challenged me. In rising to that challenge I found that I was intelligent and her class planted the seed that grew into a love of literature and learning. Grandma Eadie made me a better writer. She told me I was good and everytime I relied on her, she told me I was better. I loved that woman and she will forever be in my heart. Esther was the Lord's grace for me in Master's Commission when truth and reality were hard to find, Esther reminded me that my search was not in vain. She also taught me to write in my books and really get everything out of them I could. All of my friends for loving me even though I have rarely been able to be there for them. And my professor Leslie Ashbaugh has made me believe I am capable of reaching my dreams. She has told me I am intelligent and my thirst for knowledge is a powerful and beautiful thing. And one last person that maybe didn't have a lot to do with my education or career but I know my heart and hers are the same: Anne Wilson. I still miss her and I know that she would still be proud of me today. She knew that life was hard but you make the best of what you've got and laugh as often as you can.

On a better note

Okay. So the last blog was a little depressing. All of it was true but I found out that I am also so tired because I have mono and anemia and my vitamin D level is very low. My iron is actually dangerously low. The doctor is wanting my to pump copius amounts of iron into my body that will stop up my digestion. lol.

Things I am thankful for : )

• I finished my law school aplications (after about 200 hours and $2000 invested in the process). So that is a huge relief.
• I am in my last quarter of school which is a huge accomplishment as I have been working for this for 10 years now.
• I have very little debt as the Lord blessed me with scholarships and grants in these last 2 years. I am moving to the U district with Andrea and Nicole at the end of the month. It is a really cute house and we are getting a good deal on it.
• I have a great car that has been really good to me. And she's pretty. : )
• I GET THIS SUMMER OFF! Six months actually to recover from mono and have fun with my girlfriends and just have fun. SO excited.
• I have amazing friends and family that are so encouraging to me when I am down. Especially my family.
• I know I am chasing my dreams. I am fighting for what I believe in which is an encouragement everyday.

So there you go. These are the things helping me get through my days. Everything will be okay.

Tired

I am sad and tired. I am tired of being broke. I am tired of being stressed out all the time. I am tired of feeling like a failure or like I am just barely making it. I am tired of having minimum wage jobs that treat me like crap. I am tired of busting my ass all day every day. I am tired of heartbreak. I am tired of being alone for years and then when I finally let someone in they treat me like an old shoe. I am tired of living with my parents (though I appreciate them and everything they have done and it has been a blessing that they have let me stay with them). I am tired of this numb feeling that comes from being unable to change the things in my life that make me unhappy. I am tired of telling myself that if I can just hang on, I will reap the blessing later. Truth is, part of me doesn't believe it. Or maybe most of me doesn't believe it. I am tired of secretly believing I am fighting for a lost cause: myself. I feel like I am never going to be smart or successful or happy or in love but I just keep trying my hardest to fool everyone around my into thinking I will be someday. I am tired of being afraid to try change my life cause I will only fail and that would be worse that what I have now. Maybe I am at that point where things are gonna get better right around the corner? Or maybe I am just too tired.

Last Lap

I feel like I am running the last lap of a 4 mile race but I didn't pace myself so I have no final burst of energy. I have nothing left. I just wanna throw up. I know I am so close but I feel like I just can't muster up the energy. I think my statistics class is going to ruin my GPA. I have no time between my work, school, my law school applications and trying to keep up on my health. Ugh. 2 more weeks. 2 more weeks. 2 more weeks. I think I can. I think I can. I think I can.

Absent

Sometimes I realize how much of life I am missing. Don't get me wrong, I am not unhappy with my life. There are times, however, that I think about times with friends and conversations with my family that I feel like I never really engaged. I listen but can't focus, I miss important facts, I forget a lot. I hate this. I don't like how little time I have and the time I do have I spend thinking about what I still need to get done or totally spacing out because I just can't concentrate anymore. I love that I am accomplishing my goal and fighting for what I know can make a difference in this society. I love that law and social justice make me feel alive. But I never wanted to be someone who sacrifices friends and family in the process. My friends are getting married to men I have met maybe once. Children are growing up so fast and I see them maybe once a year. It is difficult for to accept this as a part of life. And the saddest part is that I know it is only going to get more like this for who knows how long. Lord give me the strength to continue in this course and help me to be a good friend to those that have been there for me.

Personal Statement

Please sum you life story and important qualities up into a two page, double-spaced paper. For best results, make sure you tell me everything I want to hear. I would like to know that you are brilliant, driven, destined for success, embody the struggling social groups in America, and have a difficult economic background (but of course are stilling willing to pay $45,000 a year to achieve the success you are destined for). Make sure you make no mistakes, reveal no mistakes and know that if you make a mistake in the future... You are screwed. Now be open and honest and meet difficult deadlines so that I can throw your statement on the floor due to your mediocre LSAT score and GPA. Basically: I dare you to prove you are everything I already know you are not. : (

New Year

I am not one for New Year's resolutions. I don't care much for silly goals I don't intend on meeting or promises I can't keep. If it wasn't important enough on March 3rd or November 16th to do it...why do I think I am going to find sudden inspiration on January 1st? However, I am very excited for a new year. I have had some rough years (like the last 5). I have accomplished a lot, learned a lot, and I am grateful for a lot in those 5 years but it has been a rough road. This year I will get my B/A and I will find out where I get accepted into law school and I will begin law school in September. Everything about my life is going to change this year and that gives me hope. I am ready for the change! I am tired of my life as it has been. I do not know what the future holds but I kind of feel like I am getting to finally start the rest of my life. I am excited for what this coming year will hold. I am also a little nervous and scared but mostly excited. So cheers to 2010! I hope it is great for all of my friends and family as well.