Cranky

I am cranky today. Little sister and Stephanie have both said I am nasty today. I am irritated and frustrated and I don't really know why. I just like to be left alone when I am focused and that never happens here. There is always someone trying to talk to me and I have been trying so hard to get so much done this week, I have worked a lot of late nights and I am just getting annoyed I guess.

Or maybe it is how irritated I am by the fact that every man I have attempted to let in but screwed it up with me is contacting me this month. Why is it so easy to let me go as a girlfriend but not one of them will ever let go completely? Why does friends matter so much to these guys? I mean seriously. I don't really keep friends that break my heart. And I am still hurting a little over the fact that the one "good guy" I found just got scared because some stupid woman treated him bad and he took it out on me by not giving me a chance.

Or maybe it is the holidays. I have never really liked the holidays (particularly Christmas). The only thing I did like about them was buying gifts for my family and making them smile, I have not been able to really do even that the last few years and I feel SO ALONE during the holidays.

Or maybe it is being out of school too long. I will never forget something my mom said to me once. She said "Kristin you are stressed out when you are in school but you become downright cranky when you are not in school." (paraphrasing) lol. I had never been conscious of it but it is true. When I don't feel like I am moving in the direction of my dreams I get really frustrated. I have been out of school for almost a year and while I am enjoying my life, I am turning 28 in 2 weeks and the fact that I am not in law school bothers me. Especially since I work with a 29 year old attorney. Who has been practicing for about 5 years.

Maybe it is all of those things combined. Maybe it is that I have been living in my apartment for 4 months and I don't even have a couch! Who knows. I need a beer. Thank God it is Friday.

Things I Never Want to Hear Again

"I was the lucky one to have you." "I made a mistake." "I should never have pushed you away." "I am just not ready YET." "You are the one I want to marry, I am just not ready for you." "I still want to be friends." which is code for "I want to keep you close so I don't really lose you and I can still have you when I am ready." "You were perfect." "I don't deserve you." "I'll love you till the day I die (of course after they broke my heart and I have gotten over them)." "Please give me another chance." Uggh. It all makes me sick to my stomach. I have an idea, how about someone figure out that what they have is good while they have it and just not screw it up.

Love.

To me love is that feeling inside that fills your chest so full with excitement that you feel your frame is too small to contain it.

To me love is when you wake up from a deep sleep because you are being held so tight you can feel the fear to lose you.

To me love is when you apologize simply because it hurts too much to have distance or silence between you.

To me love is that moment you realize you are standing on the edge of allowing yourself to be vulnerable and your heart seizes in your chest but you decide it’s worth the risk.

To me love is the possibility of unpredictable pain or sorrow.

To me love is the quirks that drive you crazy but you miss like crazy when they are away.

To me love is how much they makes you luagh and the feeling inside when you can make them laugh.

To me love is the list of things that you can’t wait to tell them because you haven’t seen them all day.

To me love is full disclosure, complete trust.

To me love is the most frightening, confusing, infuriating, and desirable experience I never want to feel again and never want to give up on.

Burdened

"My recent knowledge...had awakened a vulnerability within me, triggered something deep, unspoken, that haunted me, that burdened me." - Tatiana de Rosnay

I am reading Sarah's Key by Tatiana Rosnay this week (hooray for taking the bus!). I was really moved by the above excerpt. My family and close friends joke about how I will only read books when someone is being oppressed or mistreated. It's kind of true. I have such a burden for those who have been wronged in this life but not just a sad story. I mean the tragedies of the past and present. The stories no one really wants to hear because it is uncomfortable and even painful. I remember the first time I felt the way this woman so eloquently communicated. I was 18 years old in community college. I was taking a sociology class and they showed a film on historical racism in America. The film told stories of murder and showed pictures of lynching. I remember feeling like I had seen my best friend murdered before my eyes. I was fighting back tears. All the other students were completely unaffected and I felt traumatized. I remember walking out of class that day and this white guy (very hot white guy) said to me how he hated that school because he felt like the scum of the Earth for being a white male. It wasn’t his fault and he was tired of them always trying to make him feel bad. I couldn’t even make words come out of my mouth.

I don’t think the pit in my stomach or the burden on my heart has ever lifted. I can honestly say that I could (and hope to) send the rest of my life fighting that injustice. I was literally ruined that day. I spent the rest of my college career focusing my education on African American studies and the unique African American experience. Maybe no one will ever understand the feeling in my heart: the compassion, the empathy, the rage, the passion, the heartache. But it drives me every day. It is part of me. I carry the burden of that bloody history and I carry the passion to see our system abolish all forms of inequality and injustice.

I believe it is not easy to be a kind, caring, good person in our society. People so often use, abuse and mistreat other people that it is a difficult feat to make it through this life without becoming hard hearted or begin to look out for only number 1. That said, there are a few women in my life that I continually find my self in awe of and truly blessed to know and I would like to honor. I realize that few read this blog and those who do probably don't know them so consider this honoring them before god.
Krista Gayle Rustin. From the day I met krista ten years ago I loved her. There has not been one day in my life since that I have not. She has the most gentle heart, the sweetest spirit and has unending, genuine, humility. Just having her in my life is such a blessing and I am humbled and inspired by her everyday.
Chante Fiamengo. I met Chante in the most random of ways, in my coffee stand. I also knew we were meant to be together. Chante is such a good friend. Always caring and encouraging even when the complaining is so trivial. She is such a positive person as well. I went through a time in my life when I wanted all the negativity and drama out and I realized that Chante was always such a breath of fresh air. She is also an amazing mother: loving and patient. Chante embraces the seasons of her life and lives like she wouldn't change a thing. I adore this woman.
I love that the Lord has blessed me with remarkable women in my life that I continue to be encouraged, inspired, blessed by them. (More to come)

Isolating Silence or Dividing Words

I have noticed that I have become silent. In the last ten years I have been through a very difficult process of redefining myself and growing. I have learned a lot and I have changed a lot but no matter how much I learn and I grow, I always feel like being honest about who I am is going to offend someone. I love people and I think that is a good characteristic but I have noticed that I keep so much inside now because of what everyone else thinks and feels that I have withdrawn into myself. I think it is important to have grace and know when to not speak but I feel like I have been slowly bound by my fear and silence. I am grateful for a certain few who don't just "accept me for who I am" like they are doing me a favor but truly believe that I am an amazing person and trust that I can hear God for myself. A friend like that is more valuable than a million who just "love you anyway." I want to feel free to speak what I believe is the truth and is MY TESTIMONY whether it fits other peoples ideas of what it should be. It is me and I have no regrets.

Folly

Sometimes I feel like such an idiot. Is it that I am just really stupid or is Murphy's Law ruling my life? Perhaps it is some cosmic Karma (I know dad...you don't believe in Karma). No matter what it is, I have had a wretched couple of weeks. First, my keys fell out of my pocket on the bus which made for a complicated evening after work. Then last Sunday as I was putting trash into my trash can (which I keep on my deck), my door that only locks from the inside magically locked behind me leaving me stuck out there (on the 3rd floor) with no phone or keys. So I decided to put my old rock climbing skills to use and scale down the wall. I made it half-way and then realized there was nothing more to hang on to and fell about 15 feet onto pavement. I still can't put any weight on my heel and the scratches and bruising have yet to heal. That's not the end folks! I received free tickets to a Sounders game and was so excited to go with my little sister and actually get out of my house but when I got downtown to pick her up, I got in a car accident...and yes, it was my fault. So there is my hat trick of moronic behavior. I have nobody to blame but myself. I am so ready for this week to be over.