Therapy

I know right?  2 posts in one day?  Calm down, I am not going to start posting 10 a day like Little Sister.  I just felt like I had more to say about everything than just to report some good news.  The truth is, I am full of mixed emotions at the moment.  And those emotions are a bit extreme.  On one hand the amount of happiness and relief that things are finally going to get easier instead of one hardship after another (financially) is inexplicable.  Also, my increased energy level may seem like a small thing to most people but I am telling you that the exhaustion I have been fighting (and quite frankly losing) for the last 5 years is so much worse than people understand.  Working full time and going to school full time is hard work.  But trying to do that with chronic mono, it got more difficult to succeed every single quarter.  I thought after it was over I would be able to recover since working one full time job seemed like a piece of cake by comparison.  But I have not recovered.  In fact, I feel more tired all the time. 

The whole thing changed me.  I don’t think the changes were all bad but I have been living in survival mode.  A lot of my love for life has dissipated.  I barely have enough energy to make it through my work day and then I spend the remaining part of my life resting, hoping to catch up and regain my energy.  I am not trying to give anyone a sob story here.  The truth is, I never really thought too much about it.  I have just been realizing in the last couple months how much it has all changed me.  I don’t spend time with friends.  I don’t dance.  I have a hard time running.  The idea of having the energy to do things I enjoy or have fun with friends after I get off work and on the weekends is crazy but so exciting to me.

On the other side of the emotional pendulum, I am afraid to get excited about good things.  I have taken some devastating blows, one right after another and it is hard for me to imagine that things could just keep getting better.  Between the car accident, the medical bills, not getting accepted into law school, relationship failures, and my diminishing health, I just deal with one frustrating situation after another as best I can.   But I don’t want that to be my life anymore.  I want all the hard work to pay off.  I want all my dreams to come true, shit I just want to have dreams again.   I want better. 

Right now, things are getting better!  I am feeling my energy increase and immediately I am starting to make plans and dream again.  I am working on a schedule for the law school application enrollment deadlines and LSAT study schedule.  I have already planned a vacation to see my brother and sister.  All the change is making me feel really uncomfortable and even scared (because the only thing I seem to be more afraid of than failure is success.  I think because I am afraid of feeling successful and then failing.  I think.  Not sure.  No any good therapists?), but it is all really exciting as well! 

Well that was your little window into my confusing and anxious insides for today.  I hope your dreams come true too. J

I Have Reports of Happpy Goodness!

I am happy to report that my list of demands have been met and therefore everyone is going to go home safe!!!   Lol.  I am just kidding.  But my attorney and my Dr. both agreed to take less than they were owed on my pathetic arbitration award so I will be getting reimbursed for all the medical bills I paid out of pocket and I will get some of the interest I have paid over the last 4 ½ years back.  I am just happy to be cutting my losses and no longer have to pay interest on them.  Between the reimbursement for the medical bills and cutting my rent in half, I should be credit card debt free by the end of March.

I am also excited to announce I am taking a vacation to visit my sister Kimmy the first week of October.  We are gonna spend some quality time with the best brother-in-law ever and then head to the beach for some relaxation and reading!  I am stoked.  Apart from our sister trip to Vegas last year, I have not taken a vacation since 2006.  I am excited.

Another happy report:  I think the vitamins IVs are actually really helping me.  The last week I have not been exhausted when I get home (which is nice since I Have to pack and move this week) and I really do think it is making a very big difference.  I can only imagine how much more energy I might have after 4 treatments!!  So I am quite content on all fronts. I am scared to move but I am sure it is just growing pains.

Success!

It was just reported to me that when asked how I am doing in today's attorney meeting, my boss answered "wonderful. I couldn't ask for more."   No, the smile on my face is not because the Edwin McCain song popped into my head, but because I have been Larry's paralegal at Linville Law Firm for 15 months and he is still pleased with my performance.  That is no easy feat here.  Also, I have had a plethora of bosses struggling with manic depressive disorder, bi-polar disorder (almost the same but the first more extreme), power trips, little man disorder, postpartum, and antisocial disorder.  And some were just not nice in general.  It is nice to feel appreciated and it was definitely nice to hear. :)

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

I have good news and I have bad news.  Read them in whichever order you like, I personally prefer to end on the happier note. 

The Bad News. 

This week, instead of feeling better, I seem to be facing an additional challenge: I have been experiencing extreme pain in my lower abdomen.  Hurray.  One more complication to add to my list of medical crap that no seems to be able to figure out or help.  Awesome.  This has caused my mood this week to be a cross between “discouraged to the point of tears” and “pissed off.”  Wish I could end on a positive note hear but…can’t.

The Good News

My attorney met with my Dr. Last week and they discussed reducing the Dr.’s lien so that I would not end up having to pay thousands of dollars to this car accident that was not my fault (on top of the thousands I have already paid).  The good news is that Dr. White agreed to reduce his lien to 40% of the balance owed and my attorney also agreed to reduce his fees.  I have not seen specific numbers yet regarding what that means but it looks as though some of the money I put on my credit cards 4 ½ years ago for this accident will actually be recovered.  Being able to pay off even some of those credit cards will be life changing for me!  So that is my good news.

In Other News

v     Little sister is not at work because she is at family camp and things are just not the same without her. 

v     I am going to get my hair done with this month because I feel gross and I need to feel pretty.  I have decided what I am doing with it (but I am keeping it a secret) and I am really excited about it.

v     I have not packed a single thing for my move in 1o days.

v     If I get enough money to justify it, I am flying to Nashville and taking a vacation (two separate items ; ) by the end of this year.

v     I really miss skinny cows and sour cream (not together of course).

Vitamin IV Treatment No. 1

I had my first Vitamin IV on Friday.  I was pretty much exhausted all weekend and slept a lot.  The doctor had said it is common to feel very tired the first day or two because the IV is cleansing the bloodstream.  Yesterday and today I felt okay.  No burst of energy or anything but maybe I will notice more with the second IV.  I will keep you posted.

Energy Procostmus

In just under 3 weeks I will be moving in with a young girl named Desiree.  Actually she is not all that young.  She is older than I am (but of course doesn’t look a day over 23).  That is beside the point.  The point is that her life reminds me of mine about 5 years ago.  I used to be a little “fireball” (as my Grandpa would say) of a person just running around doing everything for everyone while working multiple jobs and going to school.  I think God gives a person a certain amount of energy to use up in one life and I used all mine up by 23, then I got chronic mono and I just get progressively more tired every year.  Next year I will have the energy of an 80 year old.  It is frustrating (to say the least).  I have nothing left when I get home from work so I read or watch a movie.  I am a huge loser.  But if I don’t do this, I will crash.  Anyway, I am just jealous of the energy I see her exerting.  I get tired just watching her.  But I get tired just thinking about the life I lived about 2 years ago.

            That is not the whole point.  The thing is, I am supposed to be preparing and applying for law school.  I am supposed to be writing.  There are so many dreams I have yet to accomplish but for the last 15 months I have done NOTHING besides work.  Not that I don’t have the time because I have the same amount of hours in a day as I did when I worked full time and went to school full time.  But the energy is all gone.  I just get more tired all the time. 

             Oh man.  I hope I can figure out a solution to this no-energy problem.  So far diet and exercise have helped very little.  I have a consultation scheduled for Friday regarding the Vitamin IV thing.  I miss my old life.  Actually, I don’t but I would like a balance somewhere in between.  I do miss having a life.

The Big Commitment

I have made a huge decision.  I have decided to take the plunge.  I am finally going to do it.  That’s right folks the scariest commitment I could make at this time in my life.  I am moving in with roommates.  Yup.  Can’t stop me.  Yes, as a matter of fact, I am getting cold feet, but it’s just so worth it.

I am moving in with the two lovely ladies on either side of me in this picture.  Desiree and Brianna and sweet little Hadley (not pictures)…(cause she’s 7)…(and that would be horrible to bring a 7 year old into a bar).  I am movin’ out because it is time I made some better decisions regarding my finances.  It is going to save me so much money.  I have known Des for a bit and she is best friends with Chante who has been a dear friend of mine for many years.  I am hoping I can hang in there for at least 6 months if not a year.  I have become such an introvert that I am very nervous about it all but I am thinking everything is going to work out well.  It will be such a stress reliever to be able to start catching up and then maybe I can take a damn vacation and see my sister! 

The List

So last week I was remembering the “white trash” party that Esther, Katrina and I had.  Esther and I have created a tradition of giving each other a book suggestion on a card and detailing either why we loved or why we think the other would love it.  It is just a fun thing we do. 

So Katrina and Esther and I exchanged our little notes and when I asked her about a book I had given her before and she replied “it’s on the list.”  Now I know having a list of books to read is not original by any means but I have not had a list like this since before college I think.  So I was reflecting on the party and concluding that I should start keeping a list again instead of just ransacking Little Sister’s room and asking to borrow whatever looks interesting.   

Today, Little Sister came to me around lunch time and informed me that we should take a walk and that I should get a library card since I work across the street from a beautiful library that I have never even entered.  Brilliant!  Why didn’t I think of that?  Lol.  I think it is so funny when these little things happen in life.  I just seem to get pushed into certain directions that I always wanted to go but never bothered to look for.  So I am now the proud owner of a Seattle Public Library card and I have 5 books on the list. J  Feel free to give suggestions if you any books that you just loved.  (If you leave a Jane Austin suggestion I will delete it or scold you.)