Slow to Learn

I grew up in a strange world.  My childhood and adolescence were spent in a place where love was literally forbidden.  If you had feelings for someone and you showed them in any way, you would be expelled from school and youth group (therefore no social life whatsoever).  This was not much of a problem for me.  I had my heart under lock and key.  Besides a slight misguided crush that I never did anything about, I steered clear of any chance to get hurt. 

When I was 21 (but the emotional/relational stunted age of about 13), I met a silver-tongued Casa Nova and he set his eyes on me and no matter how many times I told him no, he kept pursuing me.  (Lesson learned: persistence works on me).

            I will spare you the ups and downs of my sparse and devastating love life.  The moral to this story is that I remember my dad saying something to me when I was in high school that seemed silly as a young girl who clearly had everything so together because I could follow the rules like a champ but sure came to mind later on in life.  He said “Kristin I am most worried about when you fall in love, because when you love, you never stop.”  What a nice thing to say, Daddy, since me following all these rules means that Prince Charming will come for me and I will know he is “The One” and loving to the death will be perfect.  (Side note: anyone else see how Disney and certain churches’ relationship beliefs are oddly similar?)

            Well guess what.  My dad had every right to be worried.  In the end, I have truly loved twice now and let me tell you, loving till the death can be quite gruesome.  But that stupid little girl inside me still believes that “all you need is love” and if I just keep loving, how can happily ever not be just around the corner?   Because of course we are all imperfect until we meet the one that completes us, right?  The best lesson I could learn is not to withhold love, but know when to cut my losses.  I know there is nothing romantic about it but it is a lot more real than all the other clichés I have used in this fairy tale don’t you think?  I just wish I could know when to hold ‘em and know when to fold ‘em. 

I am not interested in badmouthing my boyfriends (okay I am but I won’t cause it’s wrong)(Okay I probably will to certain friends but not here).  I wish I could learn some lessons in this department.  I swear I am like a 16 year old screaming “but daddy I love him!” on the inside and a bitter 28 year old woman on the outside and there just seems to be no reconciling the two.  I am a damn mess!  And I am sad.  Heartbreaks suck; I don’t care how old or how strong you are. 

Everyone I know just wants to say “I told you so” and do a victory dance when I turn around because that has been my fate.