Last Lap

I feel like I am running the last lap of a 4 mile race but I didn't pace myself so I have no final burst of energy. I have nothing left. I just wanna throw up. I know I am so close but I feel like I just can't muster up the energy. I think my statistics class is going to ruin my GPA. I have no time between my work, school, my law school applications and trying to keep up on my health. Ugh. 2 more weeks. 2 more weeks. 2 more weeks. I think I can. I think I can. I think I can.

Absent

Sometimes I realize how much of life I am missing. Don't get me wrong, I am not unhappy with my life. There are times, however, that I think about times with friends and conversations with my family that I feel like I never really engaged. I listen but can't focus, I miss important facts, I forget a lot. I hate this. I don't like how little time I have and the time I do have I spend thinking about what I still need to get done or totally spacing out because I just can't concentrate anymore. I love that I am accomplishing my goal and fighting for what I know can make a difference in this society. I love that law and social justice make me feel alive. But I never wanted to be someone who sacrifices friends and family in the process. My friends are getting married to men I have met maybe once. Children are growing up so fast and I see them maybe once a year. It is difficult for to accept this as a part of life. And the saddest part is that I know it is only going to get more like this for who knows how long. Lord give me the strength to continue in this course and help me to be a good friend to those that have been there for me.

Personal Statement

Please sum you life story and important qualities up into a two page, double-spaced paper. For best results, make sure you tell me everything I want to hear. I would like to know that you are brilliant, driven, destined for success, embody the struggling social groups in America, and have a difficult economic background (but of course are stilling willing to pay $45,000 a year to achieve the success you are destined for). Make sure you make no mistakes, reveal no mistakes and know that if you make a mistake in the future... You are screwed. Now be open and honest and meet difficult deadlines so that I can throw your statement on the floor due to your mediocre LSAT score and GPA. Basically: I dare you to prove you are everything I already know you are not. : (

New Year

I am not one for New Year's resolutions. I don't care much for silly goals I don't intend on meeting or promises I can't keep. If it wasn't important enough on March 3rd or November 16th to do it...why do I think I am going to find sudden inspiration on January 1st? However, I am very excited for a new year. I have had some rough years (like the last 5). I have accomplished a lot, learned a lot, and I am grateful for a lot in those 5 years but it has been a rough road. This year I will get my B/A and I will find out where I get accepted into law school and I will begin law school in September. Everything about my life is going to change this year and that gives me hope. I am ready for the change! I am tired of my life as it has been. I do not know what the future holds but I kind of feel like I am getting to finally start the rest of my life. I am excited for what this coming year will hold. I am also a little nervous and scared but mostly excited. So cheers to 2010! I hope it is great for all of my friends and family as well.

Growing Old Alone

So I am turning 27 this week and certainly feeling it. Since I turned 25 I have noticed sagging tits, flabby arms (which I dealt with severely), love handles, a tummy I am constantly fighting, wrinkles, bags under my eyes, skin spots and so on. I did not think these problems would plague me before 30. When I was younger and so idealistic (not that I'm not still idealistic but I guess just differently) I always said I wanted to marry around 30. I had a lot of things I wanted to do and my dreams were never to just get married and have kids. However, I did not anticipate the entropy that would occur to my body in the last 10 years. I am starting to worry now that I have increased my intimidation factor by my education and career and decreased my "curb appeal" which means the odds of some handsome young buck falling for me are decreasing with each December that comes around and bites me in the ass. This is more a humorous blog about getting old than a sob story but seriously, I am startin to worry a little bit.

Purging

I have decided to make some changes in my life. I am cleaning the mess out of my life. I am simplifying. All the messy relationships in my life have to go. All the friendships that are simply a weight around my neck are getting cut off. I am getting rid of all unneccessary anxiety and saving myself the unwanted stress. No more boys who "care about me" or LOVE me but are just not ready for commitment. No more friends who are selfish and demanding. I am cleaning house. All or nothing from here on out. I am only allowing people who show me they love me in thier everyday actions in my life. I am not partying cause I am just too damn old. I am not doing things just because my friends want me to. I am eating better and going back to yoga. I am so over feeling like my life is always out of control. Officially taking control.

Truth

I have always desired truth no matter what the cost. I have never believed that truth was relative. I think Jesus is the speaker of truth. I have dedicated my life to seeking truth no matter how hard it may be to find and what the cost may be. That cost has been high. I have been isolated, ridiculed and accused. I am not being dramatic, though it may seem that way. I have lost everything at times in my life, I have walked a lonely path. I want so badly to find the truth. I want to stand before the Lord on judgement day and hear him say well done good and faithful servant. I know I have made many mistakes. But my prayer is that I do what is right in the eyes of the Lord even if I fail in the eyes of everyone else. But I really would love a little support every once in a while. For someone to look at me and see that I have been fighting with all my strength for so many years instead of only my failures would be great.