Tid Bits from Steph

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): In the famous children's book *The Little
Prince,* the hero lives on an asteroid with three volcanoes, two active and
one dormant. One day he decides to leave home and travel to other
realms. Before departing, he meticulously scours all three volcanoes. "If
they are well cleaned out," the narrator reports, "volcanoes burn slowly
and steadily, without any eruptions." I recommend that you take after the
Little Prince, Sagittarius. It's high time to attend to the upkeep of your
volcanoes. Make sure they will burn slow and steady in the coming
months, even when you're not at home


My friend Stephanie used to be a paralegal here at the law firm I work at and every Tuesday she would print out my horoscope.  Some of them are hilarious, others stupid and every once in a while one will seem appropriate.  She emailed mine to me this week.  I know some are offended by astrology.  I think it is no different than getting "a word from the Lord" from some random person.  In either case, I take them with a grain of salt.  If the shoe fits, I buy it, every time. :)  Anywho, considering my current state, I think this one fits.  I think I do, in fact, have some volcanoes to tend to.

Morning Mysteries

I have read many blogs with funny stories, happy memories or exciting adventures on bus rides.  Those things do not happen on my bus.  My morning bus ride begins with everyone silently lining up for the bus in an orderly, single file line.  When the bus comes, we all get onto the bus without much discussion.  Perhaps a few people will murmur a good morning to the bus driver (not many since our driver changes daily) but that is it.  By the time the bus leaves my stop, it is usually full.  It will have reached maximum occupancy.  Some people get a little irritated by the person who squeezes in next to them.  This always perplexes me because the bus is full EVERY day so how someone entertains the idea of personal space is beyond me.

            Please understand that I like taking the bus for 3 reasons: 1) because I have terrible road rage therefore taking the bus keeps me from murder 2) because it allows me time to read and 3) it saves me SO much money.  However, there are mornings that the negative certainly outweigh the positive.  For example last week, a young woman asked to sit in between 2 women on a bench that is supposed to sit three and the woman on the left yells out (literally yells) “I am not putting my bag on the ground!”  Let me translate that to bus commuter lingo for you: I think you should stand for anywhere from 45-90 minutes because my bag is more important than you, even though you paid money for that seat and my bag did not.  Then young woman said, okay fine I just need a place to sit and squeezed in so all of us on the opposite side of the bus got to enjoy her angry, self-absorbed expression all the way in.  While I wanted to verbally assault this wretch of a woman, this is in fact not the worst of the bus riding dilemma. 

Many times when I am taking the bus, I am perplexed by how certain people seem unable to wipe their ass.  Seriously.  On several occasions, I have had someone sit next to me only to be completely overwhelmed by the aroma of poop (I only use that word for my parents’ sake).  I have learned to avoid certain riders for their fowl aromas but sometimes I will be silently reading a book and someone will sit down next to me and I literally gag.  Last week was one such experience.  I almost vomited on the bus it made me so sick by the end of the ride.  This morning, I had I was about to take a seat on an empty bench at the front of the bus when a realization occurred to me: every time I get that terrible smell of a poorly wiped ass, it is on that bench.  So I wondered, what if it is the bench?  So I sat in the front row or forward facing seats.  Sure enough, when someone sat on that bench I was overwhelmed by the terrible aroma of poop.  It is IN the bench!  This is absolutely disgusting I know but the good news is that I can now avoid the smell of unwiped ass! 

And this, my friends is why I want to hurt people who say my commute is easier than theirs because I don’t drive it.  Until you have been trapped in the smell of someone else’s fart for an hour or had someone drool on your shoulder first thing in the morning, don’t talk to me about commuting, okay pumpkin? J 

What It Is

Well today is the first day of having my boss back in the office.  He has been in Maui for the last 6 weeks.  When he is away, I get a little more time here and there to do a personal thing here and there or take a lunch but now that he is back, I will be lucky to get a bathroom break.  Literally.  But I am surprisingly very happy to see him and settle back into our crazy routine.  I have SO MANY mixed emotions about law school that I was telling my sister I should probably be medicated.  I am just so all over the place.  I have actually really enjoyed working here very much and I will be sad to leave.  I will also be very happy to leave. J But we really have made a good team.  He has been pretty great to me.

On another note, I was inspired by this quote while I was perusing my good friend's blog (http://southernnomad.typepad.com/my-blog/page/5/).   

"Too much that we do is done at the expense of something else, or somebody else. There is some intransigent destructiveness in us. My days, though I think I know better, are filled with a thousand irritations, worries, regrets for what has happened and fears for what may, trivial duties, meaningless torments—as destructive of my life as if I wanted to be dead. Take today for what it is, I counsel myself. Let it be enough.

And I dare not, for fear that if I do, yesterday will infect tomorrow. We are in the habit of contention—against the world, against each other, against ourselves.

It is not from ourselves that we will learn to be better than we are."

from A Native Hill, by Wendell Berry. 1969

Hustlin'

I know many of you fuddy duddies out there think "hustlin'" applies only to selling illegal substances.  However, being the hoodlum that I am, I happen to know that it is also used with a more broad meaning that implies, "doing whatever it takes to keep a roof over your head and food on the table."  Now that I have mande that necessary distinction, I blog.

If you have reading my blog before or had a conversation with me at all in the last month, you know that I am a bit anxious over my financial state in getting to law school this August.  I decided on Friday that the weekend was going to be set aside for alone time.  I needed to make practical plans to achieve my goals and I needed to have a heart-to-heart with myself about my anxiety.  I don't want to go to law school bald.  I have some vanity. :)

So I did exactly that.  I made practical plans of exactly how much I can save, how much I need to raise/earn and I came up with a list of very practical ways to achieve both.  I am also happy to report that I have only lost a minimal amount of hair in the shower this week.  I am feeling hopeful.  In fact, I am positive I can do this.  I do however still need the love and support of my friends and family.  Any opportunity to earn money would be appreciated.  I can mow lawns, weed, clean, organize, file, babysit, do laundry and many other things.  Any opportunities for evening/weekend work would be so appreciated. 

Sick

I don't know if this is legal or not... If it's not, I hope they let me off with a warning.


http://youtu.be/gVo3qU4MQAU

You're welcome.

In Retrospect

I consistently hear dreams and challenges of change all around me.  So many people feel that they have wasted so much time and not done what it is that they want or they have not accomplished what it is that they desire.  Perhaps it is a general feeling of angst in my generation that they are tired of hearing about change but not seeing or feeling it. 

I had dinner with an old friend a few weeks ago and I can honestly say that though he is not religious, he is the most encouraging and challenging individual on my facebook.  Every day he posts something about working hard, making the most of every day and truly reaching your full potential.  He believes it.  One of his many jobs is to help get jobs to unemployed people.  He is extremely motivated and has a good heart.  He was telling me how he finds that many to most women he dates are not driven or motivated by their own dreams (clearly he doesn’t know any of my friends…but I digress).  So he asked me, “Is there anything you have always wanted to do but never have?”  I told him I would have to mull that over and get back to him.  A few days later, I texted him “No”.

I sometimes think about how my life would have been different if I had just pursued what I was good at instead of pursuing what I am most passionate about: AKA dance.  Don’t get me wrong, when I dance, I feel strong, confident, capable, and truly alive.  It is a feeling like no other feeling in the world but I don’t believe I would have felt fulfilled in my life work if I had done that.  I may have a smokin’ hot body but that is not what we are talking about right now. 

When other people talk about setting goals and making intentional steps every day to get to those goals, I don’t feel any regret.  I get frustrated sometimes at how long it has taken me to get where I am going but I have never stopped setting my goals and fighting for them.  I can’t make it sound pretty.  That is not really what I do.  I just fight tooth and nail every day.  Yesterday I had to write a check for $400.00 and sit by a mailbox for 4 hours to fight for my dreams.  For the last two years, I have had to invest everything into my job and remember how much I learn from “Old Crazy Hair.”  My dreams aren’t real pretty anyway.  But I truly believe in where I am going and I have never stopped trying to get there.  I have regretted some things I have done but I am fortunate enough to say that I don’t regret NOT doing anything.

I Need a Hero

     So I am just sitting here waiting for the mailman to come (as I have now been doing for the past 3 hours) so that I can beg him to be my hero. 

     Today I filled out my confirmation card, wrote the check, put a stamp on the envelope and brought it downstairs to the building mailbox.  As I dropped the card I thought to myself "I wonder if I should have put more postage on that?"  So I ran back up looked online and found that square envelopes DO, in fact, require more postage simply because they are square.  So what is so great about that is that if I wait for it to come back to me and resend it, I will no longer have a seat in law school.  Yup, perfect.  So I have been waiting by the mailbox for the mailman to come so I can beg him to let me add a stamp to one letter among thousands (which I will have to find) so that I do not kiss my future goodbye. 

     It is moments like these that I think to myself "Are you sure you can do this?  Cause you can't even send mail!"  These moments are the exact reason I can't sleep well at night and my hair is falling out of my head.  So if you happen to read this before the mailman comes, I could use a little prayer at the moment.  Thanks

Confession Session

            So here it is.  I told you all that I got in to law school.  That is something I have wanted for over 15 years.  I have been fighting for that dream to come true for years.  However, when I got the letter of acceptance (and the gracious academic scholarship), I felt nothing.  Literally nothing.  I should have been jumping out of my skin with excitement.  Instead, I went to bed.  The next morning, I rushed over to my parents to tell them and while they were screaming and yelling and high-fiving, I still felt nothing.  This week I realized, I am TERRIFIED to go to law school. 

            My whole life, I was never the smartest kid in school.  I was not the smartest kid in my family.  I was not the smartest kid anywhere.  I will be the first to admit that my getting through high school and college was not due to my intelligence.  Everything I have accomplished has been due to my tenacity and perhaps even in spite of my intelligence.  I have failed classes, made mistakes, and taken whole years off.  The only difference between me and the homeless guy on the corner is that I just never give up.

            Now I am going into an area that is extremely competitive.  I am older.  My brain is a little less sharp after years of chronic fatigue.  I absolutely never win competitions, and if I fail a class, I lose my scholarships. 

            What I realized this week is that I have a paralyzing expectation of failure over myself.  Seeing my parents, sisters and friends all so proud of me has scared me half to death.  In addition to my lack of faith in myself, I realized that I have to let go of some things in my life that I have not really wanted to let go of.  Going to law school will require me letting go of everything I hold dear here.  Letting go of those things is proving to me much more difficult than I thought it would be.   

            Alas, the thoughts of a scared child.  Don’t be worried.  My tenacity will not let me stay.  J  But your prayers during this difficult time of facing my fears would be much appreciated.