The Direction of My Dreams

So a long time ago I concluded that getting married when you are young can be beneficial because you are able to "grow together" in a sense. As long as your relationship has the freedom to let you grow. I have felt for a long time that the older you get, the more you become set in your ways and independent. I think in a way it has put a little extra pressure on me (as if anyone in this society needs any more pressure to take the plunge) to marry before it's too late. lol. Not that I think I have an "expiration date" but because I have been so independent and strong minded since I was a child that finding a man who is strong enough to handle me and patient enough to want to handle me has always seems a bit unlikely. I began to feel that with every passing life experience or class I took or book I read, I was becoming more intimidating and future with someone was becoming more unattainable.

All that said, I have been reading Abba's Child this week by Brennan Manning and I have been thinking a lot about the ability to be alone. I am extremely comfortable in my own skin and I could spend hours alone. I don't need to fill up my time with people and activities to fill some need inside me or to avoid some demon I don't want to face. I had a realization on the bus yesterday morning that I should be very proud of that. It means the Lord has made me whole (of course not completely). I remember the days when the Lord challenged me to spend more time alone and less with friends and I felt like I was giving up something I was addicted to. I went through withdrawals, I was cranky and felt needy. It was hard.

The conclusion that I am coming to in all of this is that I realized that who I am is nothing to be concerned about. I have learned life lessons and grown in ways that any man should be thrilled. I have not sat around waiting to bond myself to someone and he will have to deal with all my immaturity and baggage. I am a mature woman in many regards (though I do have a little baggage : ). The Lord has brought me through all the trials and tribulations that I have gone through for a reason. And he has caused me to be alone this long for a reason. And I am moving in the direction of the dreams He gave me only to be moving further away from other dreams he has given me. It is social anxiety that has nothing to do with truth. And quite frankly, I feel quite a burden lifted!