Thoughts on Healing

I am reading a book called Comeback by Claire and Mia Fontaine. It is the story of a mother and daughter. The father sexually abused the daughter when she was just a toddler and the book is about how that situation shapes the rest of their lives. The ways Mia coped as an adolescent and the entire process of treatment and therapy for each of them.

I was hoping for a lighthearted book and ended up with sex-abuse, incest, rape, drug addiction and pretty much inner demons. So, it turns out: not so lighthearted. The daughter is entered into a treatment program that (as of page 256) she has been in for 18 months. As crazy as it sounds, the program reminds me a little of Master’s Commission, except of course the people running are educated and qualified professionals to deal with the issues that these kids are facing.

What struck me is the difference in the way they deal with the issues the kids face from the way “the church” deals with them. I found in these kinds of issues, the church likes to have these magical moments where everything is all fixed up in one emotional and powerful encounter. In the program Mia eners, these kids have those kinds of moments over and over again and after 18 months stuff is still rearing its ugly head in her life. It has me thinking about therapy and life and childhood.

I wonder if things that happen to a child and the way a child is raised will inevitably and irreparably alter the course of a child’s life until they have the opportunity to have a professional explain to them the many affects those things have had on them and how it is determining so many aspects of their lives. Abusive parents result in abusive children. Little girls (and boys) who are sexually abused are completely altered in so many ways, from the way they relate to the themselves, to the way they internalize their pain and hate, to the way they relate to the opposite sex.

This book has me thinking that our lives can be directed by our pasts unless we intentionally put ourselves in the position to face these experiences and realities. This little girl (and her mother) fights tooth and nail to deal with these issues and it is not like some magical moment changes everything. They fight for break through after breakthrough. It is like they have to re-train their muscles to do what they are supposed to do after years of using them incorrectly.

Treasures

It is such a funny thing how people can come into your life from the strangest places and situations to become some of the greatest of friends. One thing I certainly cannot complain about in my life is for a lack of quality people. I have been blessed with more amazing relationships than most people experience in a lifetime.

Recently I have been in contact again with a dear friend and old boss of mine. It had been a couple years since I had heard from her. She went through a very difficult and dark period in her life. This morning we were texting and I was just struck by her amazing strength and positivity. For someone who has been through a hell most of us would shiver at the thought of, she was so positive. She was encouraging me and reminding me that I have to let go of my regrets.

It really got me thinking about just how blessed I am to have such a well rounded circle of amazing people in my life. And it made me giggle just where these unexpected treasures can be found; a boss, a co-worker, a felon, an ex-boyfriend’s sister, an ex-drug addict, an ex-boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend, a customer, or someone who drew pictures of blowing you up in the space needle when you were adolescents (all true stories in my life). Lol. Never underestimate people. Amazing things lie in unexpected places! I am so grateful for each and every one of them. They have kept me grounded at times, lifted me up at times, listened to my ranting and raving, reminded me of who I am, told me the truth when it hurt to hear and loved me through it all. I am just so grateful for the people in my life and if I could give one encouragement to whoever may be reading this, look for the special and unique qualities in others, because they can add so much value to your life.

Passions

So lately I have been thinking a lot about dancing. I miss it. When I think about dancing, I get that same feeling I get when I think about picking up apple blossoms and putting them in my tiny little shopping cart or playing house with Kim in the summer times in Edmonds: nostalgic, happy and leaves me longing.



Several months ago I went salsa dancing with my best friend, Jerbarco, for an old friend's birthday. Another person from my past asked me if I still dance and when I told her no she asked "Is that hard for you?" I got kind of annoyed by the question and told her no. I have thought a lot about passions, dreams, and favorite pastimes since then.



I have spent the last 12 years of my life fighting for my dreams and I don't really have many regrets in that department. However, I have been thinking lately about how as we grow up we have to chose which dreams to chase (Except of course you little sister)in order to achieve success. My immediate reaction to that old acquaintance was that I am passionate about what I do, dancing was little girl's passion and I put all my energy into big girl dreams.



While I feel I was honest because it hasn’t really been hard for me to make a lot of sacrifices in my life, including dancing, the interaction sparked something in me. Perhaps it is because she is still chasing her artistic dreams of singing (and she is quite successful at it). But the truth is that now that I have taken the time to notice, I miss it. I really loved it.



I have been surrounded by remarkeably talented people throughout my life (including my beautiful and gifted sisters)and honeslty, I have few natural talents. Reading was hard for me, learning was hard for me, I was never good at any sports, I can’t sing like my sisters (I can’t sing at all), I am not much of an artist, and the list goes on. My talents are few: perseverance, quick wit and I used to have a natural ability to pick up any kind of dance. I could never afford lessons so I would learn it however I could. I did hip-hop, swing, ballet, rhythmic gymnastics, all styles of ballroom (Salsa, rumba and tango were my favorites), modern, lyrical and I even learned a little African from the bff.



I still don’t have time or money to change anything and now I am so old and out of shape that I am sure getting back into it would be depressing but I thought I would just give words to the realization of a lost passion I found still burns in my heart.

Hilarious!

I heard this song on my way home from work yesterday. I laughed so hard. It reminds me of the old days with Linda.


One for the paper
two for the money

You see this is what I like to call buyou music
cause you better buy you a car
you better buy you a phone
and you better buy you some where to stay
or I’mma walk right by you

I don’t know whats going on baby
what the hell is going wrong baby
used to take me to dinner
used to take me shopping now you asking me for my paper
it’s my money, it’s my paper, boy my money
bet you never get another dime from me
no, you can’t use the phone baby
think you need to get your own

Was looking for a man to hold me down
but how’d I end up with you?
yeah, baby, you
and as hard as I try sometimes it gets hard paying all these bills
the note on the car
so I don’t need no broke broke boy tryna holla
so baby shut it up til you show me some dollars

[Hook]
One for the paper
two for the money
brand new bags, new shoes yeah I want it
all my girls, fly girls getting money
all my girls, fly girls getting money

One for the paper
two for the money
nails did, hair did
gap yeah I want it

One for the paper
two for the money
all my girls, fly girls getting money

You want a ride or die chick baby
but you aint got a whip baby
it aint gon happen
if you aint got s*** you need a walk or die chick baby
yeah yeah thats funny
don’t look my way if you aint got that money
and I aint making nothing to eat baby
I think it’s time you treat baby

Was looking for a man to hold me down
but how’d I end up with you?
yeah, baby, you
and as hard as I try sometimes it gets hard paying all these bills
the note on the car
so I don’t need no broke broke boy tryna holla
so baby shut it up til you show me some dollars

[Hook]

[J. Cole]
I see ya, it’s hard not to see ya
face like Aaliyah plus a college degree-ah
climbing up the ladder at that full time job
how the hell you end up with a full time slob
I mean you been a ride a die for him
paid for the dinner and the movie and the popcorn
how you figure it’s gon last, he just sit up on his ass
and play that damn x-box that you cop for him
buyou, buyou, how much to try you
aint saying you for sale but baby lets be for real
buyou, buyou, s*** that I can buy you
these ****** all the same, either Ken or Ryu
stringing you along allow me to untie you
vitamin D supply you
let them little boys walk by you
they fronting cause they broke
but the numbers don’t lie
if they swear they so fly tell me why they never fly you

[Hook]

Get ya own (getting money)
get ya own (getting money)
get ya own (getting money)
I don’t need no broke broke boy tryna holla



Read more: http://www.killerhiphop.com/keri-hilson-buyou-lyrics-j-cole/#ixzz1M9vFL8un

Reconcile No More

To reconcile:

1. to cause (a person) to accept or be resigned to something not desired: He was reconciled to his fate.
2. to win over to friendliness; cause to become amicable: to reconcile hostile persons.
3. to compose or settle (a quarrel, dispute, etc.).
4. to bring into agreement or harmony; make compatible or consistent: to reconcile differing statements; to reconcile accounts.
5. to reconsecrate (a desecrated church, cemetery, etc.).
6. to restore (an excommunicate or penitent) to communion in a church.

I feel that I have spent my life trying to reconcile.
As a young girl, I was always trying to make my life match what I heard in church on Sunday or the expectations that were on me. Life wasn’t anything like what it was supposed to be by the standards communicated to me daily in church, in school and even at home. It seemed like the world I lived in most of the time could not relate to the “real” world. But I was torn between these two worlds because there were people I cared about in each. Being who I am I tried to make it match. I tried to be what was expected even when it didn’t fit. Perhaps it is just a middle child characteristic.
Then in high school I tried to reconcile real relationships I had built to the world that I was convinced was the only world I could and should ever live in. I tried to understand how the ones that I loved (and still do) could be cast aside and forgotten. I tried to understand both sides and I tried to make everything right.
When I was 19, I began to learn. Not just the normal learning from going to college but an insatiable desire for truth and justice that I have never been able to quench. I remember feeling so overwhelmed because not only did I have to keep up with all the reading and assignments but I would do much additional research to be able to reconcile my old belief system and my faith with everything I was learning. What do I believe? What don’t I believe? Why do I believe it? Why doesn’t that make sense? Why would they teach me that if it isn’t true?
I have genuinely spent my life feeling like I was a bridge that was trying to hold two worlds together but my arms have been hurting for years from the pressure on each side. A girl can really only take so much. I guess eventually I just have to chose a side.

One Point - Singletons

This week was a rough week for marriage. As a woman who struggles to believe in relationships lasting, this week was certainly additionally discouraging. This week had already been difficult for me personally and then yesterday I was subjected to listen to my boss discuss for 30 minutes how healthy relationships are built on lies. He explained that lying to one’s partner is protecting them from their own negative emotions. I tried to explain to him that a woman has every right to think and feel as she sees fit based on truth and reality. He informed me that if you love someone, you do not want them to feel negative emotions. I told him that it was self seeking because he did not want those negative emotions to be directed at him. Disgusting. He has been married 40 years and that is how.

Then, I saw on facebook that a dear friend of mine from years ago is getting divorced. I really thought they were such a sweet Christian couple. I am no one to judge but I can honestly say I really don’t want to end up divorced. I can also honestly say I don’t want to spend the next 40 years being lied to by a man who assumes he is so much more intelligent and greater than I that he should orchestrate my life as he sees fit, telling me only what he thinks I should hear. Oh man. I need to learn to like animals I think.