In case you think I am exaggerating about my crazy job, apparently it is just the life of a paralegal! Another paralegal at another firm sent me this today. I took out the ones that were boring or didn't apply. It appears that everything I go through is just part of the job description! lol
Here's a great post from the Paralegal Society blog:
2. The right to food, family and free time undefined so long as there isn’t a trial this month.
3. The right to a lunch break, so long as your attorney doesn’t have a deadline.
4. You have the right to utilize the scissors on your desk as a makeshift weapon, so long as you’re willing to do the jail time associated with said usage.
5. The right to telepathically give supervising attorneys and clients the ability/suggestion to provide all the information/facts/paperwork needed to successfully draft documents.
6. The right to stamp the head of the supervising attorney or client with the “DRAFT” stamp if number 5 cannot be delivered.
10. The right to be loomed over by your own, personal dark cloud a/k/a the keeper of the misery (we all know every office has one).
11. The right to an opinion or suggestion about a legal problem, so long as it is the same opinion or suggestion your attorney has about the situation.
12. The right to wonder “how did they DO this before computers??”
13. The right to answer your internal phone line on Fridays with: “The paralegal you have reached is no longer in service. If you feel you have reached this recording in error, hang up and wait until Monday.”
14. The right to mentally answer the incessantly ringing phone “Grand Central Station. Which train would you like? They all jumped the tracks!”
15. The right to tell a rude attorney: “By the power vested in me by the State of Sanity, I declare thee stupid and unruly. You may now kiss my…”
16. The right to always be asked about the one task you didn’t quite get around to performing yet.
17. The right to an attorney (or three) only they aren’t offering legal advice undefined they’re giving you legal work and fighting about who gets to use you today!
22. The right to do 12 hours worth of work in an 8 hour work day…did I mention you get that right “every” day?
24. The right to remain silent when you are internally SCREAMING as though you are a tea kettle sitting on the surface of the sun!! I believe your last minute pleading is now “ready,” sir. Thank you for the opportunity to be of service.
25. The right to receive another rush assignment that was due yesterday on top of [fill in the blank] assignments you are handling already.
26. The right to mentor.
28. The right to have a sound board/a shoulder to cry when you are frustrated and can’t fulfill your Rights Nos. 1-27.
29. The right to call clients from your home while enveloped in a blanket of illness, to make sure they arrive at their scheduled mediations (today).
30. The right to locate the missing document or file your boss cannot seem to locate on his own desk that are within an arm’s [his arm’s] reach.
33. The right to have your supervising attorney look at you like you’ve lost your freakin mind when you advise him that you will be utilizing one of those “fake” vacation days they give you for personal time!!
34. The right to be hospitalized without banker’s boxes and a lap top computer …even if they try to mix them in with a big bouquet of flowers and a nice greeting card.
35. The right to answer your phone “I’m sorry, but the paralegal you are attempting to reach is no longer available. Please try your call again later.”
36. The right to be promptly informed when a case you’ve worked on has settled…and not when the settlement check actually arrives at the office, but prior.
37. The right to use those valuable vacations days AS YOU DECIDE without having to answer calls from the office; alternatively – the right to leave your cell phone at home when on vacation!! (Unless you work at at my law firm)
39. The right to keep a four-gallon bottle of aspirin on your desk.
40. The right to answer your phone: “City Morgue, you kill ‘em, we chill ‘em.”
43. The right to ask for a raise when the supervising attorney tells you how hard it was in the office while you were on vacation for a week.
44. The right for your supervising attorney to tell you how hard it was in the office while you were on vacation for a week….lol
45. The right to be treated as an equal and not be called incompetent and stupid. (Why yes, I have a bachelor’s degree and I worked my a** off to get it. I don’t have to be treated like this.)
47. The right to make a run to the nearest store for a “chocolate fix!”
48. The right to NOT be hit on by your client’s wife, while being deposed.
51.
52. The right to remake ALL of the exhibit binders when you don’t really look at the first one I give you and decide they are not quite right after they are ALL DONE…all 12 of them. [insert paralegal slamming head down on desk here]
53. The right to be the legal equivalent of a ninja undefined minus the weird mask.
55. The right for your boss to act as though a limb has been severed from his body when you are out of the office (for any reason).
56. The right to know exactly where every attorney and/or file is at that particular moment. I’m voting for a smartphone app that operates like the Marauder’s Map.
58. The right to know exactly where the document your attorney needs is located (within the multiple bankers boxes) during trial so your attorney can prove a witness is lying.
59. The right to have your attorney’s calendar linked on your smartphone.
61. The right to gain a client’s trust when they have to talk to you instead of the attorney who is busy and you can answer their exact question.
62. The right to say, “No, I don’t want to work on that case that smells like a dead fish. Give it to another paralegal.” Oh that’s right, I’m the only paralegal working here.
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