Dad, Close Your Eyes

A couple weeks ago I woke up from a nap wanting two things, ice cream and a tattoo.  Weird right?  I get sick when I eat ice cream.  Tattoos on the other hand, I like.  I have been considering getting a tattoo since I was about 15 years old.  I have set my mind on several different designs and locations over the years but turns out I have a serious fear of commitment. This life might be but a fleeting moment but it still last a lot longer than the ink stays pretty.  Anywho, I have the itch kind of strong lately. 

I have also noticed that I really like words. Word tattoos seem to be my favorite. It is all about the meaning.  I just love words that hold so much meaning in some one's life.  In addition to the one from my post last week that says, "To thine own self be true" I also really like these:

This one says "I am my beloved's.  My beloved is mine."

 "There once was a little girl who never knew love until a boy broke her Heart"  I love what it says, I love the font she used and I LOVE where she got it.  Plus, I have found that many of these word tattoos with several lines, the lines don't look perfectly straight and hers does. This is definitely a favorite.

 Cute.  That's all there is to say about it.  (Of course I would have to overcome two fears to get something like that ; )

I would honestly never get a tattoo on my chest but the words that are there and the way they look like they are burned into her chest moved me.

I don't think there is anything to worry about currently, I have toyed with the idea for so many years now that I am not sure I will ever do it.  But who knows.  : )

Arbitration

   Oh my goodness. I am so tired of this damn car accident nonsense! It has been 4 years and 3 months now since an idiot slammed in to the back of my 2003 silver Acura TL (which I loved. Her name was sezzy.) the guy hit me so hard he totalled a $20K vehicle. My trunk ended up in my back seat and my car was pushed into the car in front of it. I was taken to the hospital in an ambulance and provided with a treatment plan. However, I had no Personal Injury Protection and though the man admitted responsibility and Allstate (his insurance company) paid for the property damage, they refused to pay for medical.  My health insurance also refused to pay.  So I went without treatment for a year (which always makes the insurance company claim my injuries are not related to the accident).  
   The arbitration is in about 3 1/2 weeks.  I am so anxious.  The results could literally make or brake me.  I have about $19K is medical bills, about $5K of which I paid out of pocket as a broke student workin' at a coffee shop.  The rest is on a lien. I have been slowly (very slowly) catching up after this burden to my financial situation (and the $2K I lost in law school applications).  But it would alleviate a huge amount of stress in my life if I was finally reimbursed for the medical bills I had to pay.  However, the risk is that if things don't go well in the arbitration, I will magically owe about what I paid for my college education (so much for working hard for 10 years to stay out of debt).  And all I did was sit at a red light!
   Seriously, this man has stolen so much of my time, energy, and physical health that sometimes I want to look him up, knock on his door and tell him what I think of him.
   This week I found out most of my witnesses were not going to make it to the arbitration for one reason or another (more nerve wracking for me). 
   Here is the real kicker, if I do get awarded a decent amount, the insurance company can just appeal it and go to trial.  So it will be another 6 months or something and more legal fees and more stress.  sheeesh!  So this is causing unwanted anxiety.  If you think about it, say a little prayer for me. 

For the Record

Just for those of you who frequent Little Sister's blog (as I am sure all my readers only found me from reading Little Sister's blog), I actually made this collage all by myself. She uploaded it and I made all the color changes. My blog is now officially my own artistic creation. : )

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Jazz

"It’s nice when grown people whisper to each other under the covers. Their ecstasy is more leaf-sigh than bray and the body is the vehicle, not the point. They reach, grown people, for something beyond and way, way, down underneath tissue. They are remembering while they whisper the carnival dolls they won and the Baltimore boats they never sailed on. The pears they let hang on the limb because if they plucked them, they would be gone from there and who else would see that ripeness if they took it away for themselves? How could anybody passing see them and imagine for themselves what the flavor would be like? Breathing and murmuring under covers both of them have washed and hung out on the line, in a bed they chose together and kept together nevermind one leg was propped up on a 1916 dictionary, and the mattress, curved like a preacher’s palm asking for witnesses in His name’s sake, enclosed them each and each and every night and muffled their whispering, old time love. They are under the covers because they don’t have to look at themselves anymore; there is no stud’s eye, no shippie glance to undo them. They are inward toward the other, bound and joined by carnival dolls and the steamers that sailed from ports they never saw. That is what is beneath their undercover whispers.

But there is another part, not so secret. The part that touches fingers when one passes the cup and saucer to the other. The part that closes her neckline snap while waiting for the trolley; and brushes lint from his blue serge suit when they come out of the movie house into the sunlight.

I envy them their public love. I myself have only known it in secret, shared it in secret and longed, aw longed to show it – to be able to say out loud what they have no need to say at all: That I have loved only you, surrendered my whole self reckless to you and nobody else. That I want you to love me back and show it to me. That I love the way you hold me, how close you let me be to you. I like your fingers on and on, lifting, turning. I have watched your face for a long time now, and missed your eyes when you went away form me. Talking to you and hearing you answer – that’s the kick. (p 229)

But I can’t say that aloud; I can’t tell anyone that I have been waiting for this my whole life and that being chosen to wait is the reason I can. If I were able I’d say it. Say make me, remake me. You are free to do it and I am free to let you because look, look. Look where your hands are. Now."

This excert is form Toni Morrison's Jazz. Man that woman moves me. Reading this was the first time in a very long time I have felt any inclination to endure the trials in hopes that love might last.

My Beautiful Weekend!

This weekend was just amazing. I spent Friday night finishing the last 200 pages of a book that Esther gave me, which was interesting and amusing. Friday morning I was awakened early by the sun which was a beautiful way to start a beautiful day (pun intended). Darean and I had coffee in the sunshine at Starbucks followed by a yummy lunch at the Honey Bear Café (a personal favorite). Then at about 2 I made my way over to the parentals’. Little Sister and I love to sit out on mom's beer garden in our kinis and drink beers. It is fabulous because it is private and my mom designed it so we get the maximum warmth and all wind is blocked out (I know brilliant right?).

I was met with a pleasant surprise when all my family was already out there (and Sister and I were of course making the most of the first kini day of this year) a few of my favorites of Little Sister’s friends were over to visit. We laughed, talked, and enjoyed the sunshine until about 4:30, when it was time for Katrina, Tiffany and I to get ready for the next phase of the day. We got ready (well she got ready and I visited with Uncle John and Aunt Ivy who happened to stop by) and off we went to our adventure.

We stopped by green lake where we scooped up my great friend James Travis and off we went to the Owl and Thistle for an Irish brew before the show. Then we were off to the long awaited U2 concert! When I say long awaited I mean LONG awaited. My dad bought us these tickets a year and a half ago and the concert was supposed to be last year but Bono injured his back and they cancelled their whole tour. I told Little Sister at the show, “I have waited longer for Bono than I have for any man!” She smiled. ; )


It was worth the wait and the night was amazing! The skies were clear, we never got cold and I felt like I was living a dream come true; come to think of it, I was living a dream come true! It was a late night but it was a perfect night.
Sunday morning I slept in, had my morning coffee in the sunshine while I started my new book, then cleaned the house a bit with all the windows and doors open! Made my way to Andrea’s graduation party and then spent the evening reading Jazz by Toni Morrison. It was certainly an ideal weekend, filled with exciting activities, time with friends and family, vitamin D, and plenty of relaxation (especially reading).

U2!

I am so excited about the U2 concert this weekend. I can honestly say that I have not been this excited about anything in YEARS. Little Sister mentioned to me today that it is going to be in the 70s and how we are going to be drinking beer (and I was already sooo excited to see Wes). I got so excited and now I can’t concentrate! Then I started thinking about how Stephanie and I are going to go to Capitol Hill Block Party (which I have wanted to go to the last couple years but never have) and I my excitement compounded. Then I started feeling guilty.

This may seem to the reader like a total change of subject and I honestly don’t care to fill in the blanks. I realized that in dating, I am able to love people who are so different from me because I love new and exciting things. I love being introduced to a new culture, different genres of music, exotic foods, and new activities. But then I find myself a couple years in and I realize that a part of me is starved.

I remember when I broke up with Jimi, I was driving one day and found myself so happy to turn on the radio to 107.7 (The End). I had pretty much only heard hip hop music for 2 years! Don’t get me wrong, I love hip hop, rap, r&b, jazz, blues, etc. The thing is, I realized that the guys I date tend to not reciprocate my willingness to adjust and try new things. I end up feeling like I am starved for certain things whether certain music, old friends, a kind of food, or just new adventures. Then I end up feeling guilty for wanting to do these things on my own and not be weighed down by the other person’s lack of interest.

This is just one of the many reasons I feel like I should just be single. I don’t know that there is anyone out there that will be able to participate in all the facets of my personality. Is there a guy out there who will want to go to Jazz Alley on Friday and then a karaoke bar with my friends on Saturday, church on Sunday and stay home reading and watching movies throughout the week? Is there someone who will go salsa dancing, hiking, camping, enjoy fine dining, sports games, and love to read? Is there really a guy out there who can keep me intellectually stimulated, make me laugh and appreciate just being together without words? Am I being ridiculous? Should I just accept that I am too much for anyone? Should I just admit myself into an institution? These are rhetorical questions. Oh well, for now…I AM GOING TO U2! With a great friend, beautiful weather and my favorite Little Sister!