Beloved By God

I have been reading Abba’s Child since the beginning of the year. That is longer than it has taken me to read any book in years. The book is not long or difficult. I think I could have read it in a day if I had wanted to but I really wanted this book to speak to me. I really wanted this book to change my life or inspire me. But I just kept praying and reading chapters over and over thinking maybe it just needed to sink in. I found it too spiritual and not that grounded. I am not a big fan of “feel good” Christianity. I don’t care if it sounds good if it does not practically make sense.
However, there is one small section of the book that I have read over and over because I think it genuinely was feeding a starved part of my spirit. The book is not in front of me so I cannot directly quote it but it was something to the effect of, if you want to be radical, define yourself as beloved by God.
That thought has continued to pass through my mind. I have thought about my view of myself and all of my failures, shortcomings, and mistakes. And I started repenting. I have done a lot of repenting in the last two months. I have also read a lot of scripture. I have specifically read in the New Testament about the saint and about the disciples but more than anything, I have read about Jesus’ interactions with the women in the New Testament. He did not treat any woman by her history. He treated them as Beloved. And his interactions and words to them have been propelling the idea of how radical choosing to define yourself as beloved may be.
Last weekend, something horrible happened and someone said some horrible things about me. My character was completely attacked. My shame and guilt were thrown in my face and I was devastated. I spent the weekend in true repentance that I had not remained above reproach. Then I went to church the next day. For the first time in about 10 years, I felt comfortable and could hear the Lord speak to me in a church. The message was on Holy Women and I even went up for prayer. I know that the Lord forgave and delivered me in that moment and I know that the Lord was speaking directly to me in that message. It was a gentle conviction of the woman I am called to be but I have forgotten. And every couple hours since then, the same thought runs through my mind, define yourself as beloved by God. Honestly, just thinking about it is changing me so what if I actually could do it?