Sometimes I wish I wasn't a strong woman. Sometimes I think I am not a strong woman and I will break, or that maybe I already have.
In church when the pastor spoke on Holy women, he said, "You are not a strong woman if you are weak for a man." I have been thinking about that a lot lately.
Sometimes I think that being a strong woman means I am destined to have to put up with a lot of b.s. and heartbreak just because apparently I can. but the more i go through, the stronger I get.
Being a strong woman makes some men want to break you down and weak women despise you.
Being a strong woman is like being a large boulder. It quietly weathers everything and nobody notices its value and necessity until it is gone. And people never want a boulder, they never desire its beauty, people only realize thier need and dependence on it, so they want it back only to serve its purpose.
Sometimes I wish I was not such a strong woman.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Beloved By God
I have been reading Abba’s Child since the beginning of the year. That is longer than it has taken me to read any book in years. The book is not long or difficult. I think I could have read it in a day if I had wanted to but I really wanted this book to speak to me. I really wanted this book to change my life or inspire me. But I just kept praying and reading chapters over and over thinking maybe it just needed to sink in. I found it too spiritual and not that grounded. I am not a big fan of “feel good” Christianity. I don’t care if it sounds good if it does not practically make sense.
However, there is one small section of the book that I have read over and over because I think it genuinely was feeding a starved part of my spirit. The book is not in front of me so I cannot directly quote it but it was something to the effect of, if you want to be radical, define yourself as beloved by God.
That thought has continued to pass through my mind. I have thought about my view of myself and all of my failures, shortcomings, and mistakes. And I started repenting. I have done a lot of repenting in the last two months. I have also read a lot of scripture. I have specifically read in the New Testament about the saint and about the disciples but more than anything, I have read about Jesus’ interactions with the women in the New Testament. He did not treat any woman by her history. He treated them as Beloved. And his interactions and words to them have been propelling the idea of how radical choosing to define yourself as beloved may be.
Last weekend, something horrible happened and someone said some horrible things about me. My character was completely attacked. My shame and guilt were thrown in my face and I was devastated. I spent the weekend in true repentance that I had not remained above reproach. Then I went to church the next day. For the first time in about 10 years, I felt comfortable and could hear the Lord speak to me in a church. The message was on Holy Women and I even went up for prayer. I know that the Lord forgave and delivered me in that moment and I know that the Lord was speaking directly to me in that message. It was a gentle conviction of the woman I am called to be but I have forgotten. And every couple hours since then, the same thought runs through my mind, define yourself as beloved by God. Honestly, just thinking about it is changing me so what if I actually could do it?
However, there is one small section of the book that I have read over and over because I think it genuinely was feeding a starved part of my spirit. The book is not in front of me so I cannot directly quote it but it was something to the effect of, if you want to be radical, define yourself as beloved by God.
That thought has continued to pass through my mind. I have thought about my view of myself and all of my failures, shortcomings, and mistakes. And I started repenting. I have done a lot of repenting in the last two months. I have also read a lot of scripture. I have specifically read in the New Testament about the saint and about the disciples but more than anything, I have read about Jesus’ interactions with the women in the New Testament. He did not treat any woman by her history. He treated them as Beloved. And his interactions and words to them have been propelling the idea of how radical choosing to define yourself as beloved may be.
Last weekend, something horrible happened and someone said some horrible things about me. My character was completely attacked. My shame and guilt were thrown in my face and I was devastated. I spent the weekend in true repentance that I had not remained above reproach. Then I went to church the next day. For the first time in about 10 years, I felt comfortable and could hear the Lord speak to me in a church. The message was on Holy Women and I even went up for prayer. I know that the Lord forgave and delivered me in that moment and I know that the Lord was speaking directly to me in that message. It was a gentle conviction of the woman I am called to be but I have forgotten. And every couple hours since then, the same thought runs through my mind, define yourself as beloved by God. Honestly, just thinking about it is changing me so what if I actually could do it?
Friday, February 11, 2011
Faith
So I was thinking the other day about law school and how it has been about 8 months since I have taken any steps to get there. I guess it is kind of hard for me to want to start that process all over again. After pending 6 months of hard work (on top of full time work and school) as well as over $2,000.00 on law school applications, only to be denied by each school, I have found it a bit hard to muster the courage to dust myself off and get back on that horse. But I know I have to do it. I think I have been feeling quite lost the last few months. Nothing in my life has turned out how I hoped or planned. I feel I have been fighting all the same battles. I kind of feel like the Israelites must have felt 28 years into their 40 years of wandering in the dessert: purposeless and ready to let go of hope for fear hope being deferred any longer. I am not saying I am ungrateful for the blessings I have received this year but honestly, nothing has turned out how I hoped for or planned on.
So, back to law school (which I hoped and planned to be done with 3 years ago), I was thinking about what steps I should be taking right now in order to get my applications in early enough to stand a chance. I decided I should be writing my essay. So then I got totally overwhelmed, again. The idea of convincing these people to give me this special opportunity that thousands of other applicants want as a white, middle class woman with no money and mediocre grades is quite a feat. Actually it makes me want to cry. I was racking my brain trying to think of what the focus of my essay should be. And it hit me: Faith. Not only is it my passion, and my identity, it is my story. I am 28 years old and still chasing the same dream because I know it is my destiny even if my path has taken me on a million different detours and brought me to face to face with unfathomable obstacles. Now I still have the same challenge ahead of me in writing my essay and preparing my applications but at least I have a little inspiration and it is always helpful to remember who I am when trying to fight for my dreams.
So, back to law school (which I hoped and planned to be done with 3 years ago), I was thinking about what steps I should be taking right now in order to get my applications in early enough to stand a chance. I decided I should be writing my essay. So then I got totally overwhelmed, again. The idea of convincing these people to give me this special opportunity that thousands of other applicants want as a white, middle class woman with no money and mediocre grades is quite a feat. Actually it makes me want to cry. I was racking my brain trying to think of what the focus of my essay should be. And it hit me: Faith. Not only is it my passion, and my identity, it is my story. I am 28 years old and still chasing the same dream because I know it is my destiny even if my path has taken me on a million different detours and brought me to face to face with unfathomable obstacles. Now I still have the same challenge ahead of me in writing my essay and preparing my applications but at least I have a little inspiration and it is always helpful to remember who I am when trying to fight for my dreams.
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