The Paralegal Bill of Rights

In case you think I am exaggerating about my crazy job, apparently it is just the life of a paralegal!  Another paralegal at another firm sent me this today.  I took out the ones that were boring or didn't apply.  It appears that everything I go through is just part of the job description!  lol

Here's a great post from the Paralegal Society blog:

1. To read the minds of attorneys for the power of all that is good in the legal kingdom.
2. The right to food, family and free time undefined so long as there isn’t a trial this month.
3. The right to a lunch break, so long as your attorney doesn’t have a deadline.
4. You have the right to utilize the scissors on your desk as a makeshift weapon, so long as you’re willing to do the jail time associated with said usage.
5. The right to telepathically give supervising attorneys and clients the ability/suggestion to provide all the information/facts/paperwork needed to successfully draft documents.
6. The right to stamp the head of the supervising attorney or client with the “DRAFT” stamp if number 5 cannot be delivered.

10. The right to be loomed over by your own, personal dark cloud a/k/a the keeper of the misery (we all know every office has one).
11. The right to an opinion or suggestion about a legal problem, so long as it is the same opinion or suggestion your attorney has about the situation.
12. The right to wonder “how did they DO this before computers??”
13. The right to answer your internal phone line on Fridays with: “The paralegal you have reached is no longer in service. If you feel you have reached this recording in error, hang up and wait until Monday.”
14. The right to mentally answer the incessantly ringing phone “Grand Central Station. Which train would you like? They all jumped the tracks!”
15. The right to tell a rude attorney: “By the power vested in me by the State of Sanity, I declare thee stupid and unruly. You may now kiss my…”
16. The right to always be asked about the one task you didn’t quite get around to performing yet.
17. The right to an attorney (or three) only they aren’t offering legal advice undefined they’re giving you legal work and fighting about who gets to use you today!

22. The right to do 12 hours worth of work in an 8 hour work day…did I mention you get that right “every” day?

24. The right to remain silent when you are internally SCREAMING as though you are a tea kettle sitting on the surface of the sun!! I believe your last minute pleading is now “ready,” sir. Thank you for the opportunity to be of service.
25. The right to receive another rush assignment that was due yesterday on top of [fill in the blank] assignments you are handling already.
26. The right to mentor.

28. The right to have a sound board/a shoulder to cry when you are frustrated and can’t fulfill your Rights Nos. 1-27.
29. The right to call clients from your home while enveloped in a blanket of illness, to make sure they arrive at their scheduled mediations (today).
30. The right to locate the missing document or file your boss cannot seem to locate on his own desk that are within an arm’s [his arm’s] reach.

33. The right to have your supervising attorney look at you like you’ve lost your freakin mind when you advise him that you will be utilizing one of those “fake” vacation days they give you for personal time!!
34. The right to be hospitalized without banker’s boxes and a lap top computer …even if they try to mix them in with a big bouquet of flowers and a nice greeting card.
35. The right to answer your phone “I’m sorry, but the paralegal you are attempting to reach is no longer available. Please try your call again later.”
36. The right to be promptly informed when a case you’ve worked on has settled…and not when the settlement check actually arrives at the office, but prior.
37. The right to use those valuable vacations days AS YOU DECIDE without having to answer calls from the office; alternatively – the right to leave your cell phone at home when on vacation!! (Unless you work at at my law firm)

39. The right to keep a four-gallon bottle of aspirin on your desk.
40. The right to answer your phone: “City Morgue, you kill ‘em, we chill ‘em.”

43. The right to ask for a raise when the supervising attorney tells you how hard it was in the office while you were on vacation for a week.
44. The right for your supervising attorney to tell you how hard it was in the office while you were on vacation for a week….lol
45. The right to be treated as an equal and not be called incompetent and stupid. (Why yes, I have a bachelor’s degree and I worked my a** off to get it. I don’t have to be treated like this.)

47. The right to make a run to the nearest store for a “chocolate fix!”
48. The right to NOT be hit on by your client’s wife, while being deposed.

51.
52. The right to remake ALL of the exhibit binders when you don’t really look at the first one I give you and decide they are not quite right after they are ALL DONE…all 12 of them. [insert paralegal slamming head down on desk here]
53. The right to be the legal equivalent of a ninja undefined minus the weird mask.

55. The right for your boss to act as though a limb has been severed from his body when you are out of the office (for any reason).
56. The right to know exactly where every attorney and/or file is at that particular moment. I’m voting for a smartphone app that operates like the Marauder’s Map.

58. The right to know exactly where the document your attorney needs is located (within the multiple bankers boxes) during trial so your attorney can prove a witness is lying.
59. The right to have your attorney’s calendar linked on your smartphone.

61. The right to gain a client’s trust when they have to talk to you instead of the attorney who is busy and you can answer their exact question.
62. The right to say, “No, I don’t want to work on that case that smells like a dead fish. Give it to another paralegal.” Oh that’s right, I’m the only paralegal working here.

Bum Bum

     I think I am on week 13 of working out in the mornings with my roommate and I am loving it.  Of course, getting up at 5:15 is always rough, especially if I stayed up past 9:30 the night before but I am pretty used to early mornings.  We did the Spartacus circuit training for 12 weeks.  At about 6 weeks, we started focusing on trying to eat a healthy, balanced diet as well as limiting our calories.  I have lost 6 pounds, I have noticed changes in my body, and my energy level is better.  I am pretty happy with my progress. 

     That said, I had a great workout this morning.  My drip coffee tasted great, I put on my most comfortable pair of jeans and read 25 pages on the bus.  No traffic meant I got here at 8:00 am.  All in all it was a great morning.  Then I got to work and the law of entropy was employed.  TGIF

Folded Corners

"My heart is a traitor," the boy said to the Alchemist, when they had paused to rest the horses.  "It doesn't want me to go on."
"That makes sense, the Alchemist Answered.  "Naturally it's afraid that, in pursuing your dream, you might lose everything you've won."
"well, then, why should I listen to my heart?"
"Because you will never again be able to keep it quiet.  Even if you pretend no to have heard what it tells you, it will always be there inside you,repeating yo you what you're thinking about life and about the world."
"You mean I should listen, even if it's treasonous?"
"Treason is a blow that comes unexpectedly.  If you know your heart well, it will never be able to do that to you.  Because you know it's dreams and wishes, and you know how to deal with them."
"You will never be able to escape from your heart.  So it's better to listen to what it has to say.  That way, you'll never have to fear an unanticipated blow." - P. 129

"My heart is afraid it will have to suffer," the boy told the Alchemist one night as they looked up at the moonless sky.
"Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself.  And that no heart has suffered when it goes in search of its dreams, because every second of the search is a second's encounter with God and with eternity." - P. 130

"Don't give in to your fears," said the Alchemist in a strangely gentle voice.  "If you do, you won't be able to talk to your heart." - P. 141

"There is only one thing that makes a dream impossible: the fear of failure." - P. 141

Excerpts taken from THE ALCHEMIST by Paulo Coelho

LBL Quote of the Day

LBL; "Kristin, Can I ask you a very personal, intimate question?"
Me:   "You can ask, I may or mar not answer."
LBL: "Are you really just going to law school for a husband?"

Team Penning

Have you ever watched Team penning?  My cousins used to participate in these highly amusing rodeo competitions.  A team of three riders are released onto the field as a number is called.  There are three cows with that number in a herd of 30 cows and the goal is to separate (or “cut”) those three cows and get them (and only them) into a pen in the shortest amount of time.  It can be so funny to watch.  They get one in but while they attempt to “cut” the other 2, the first one meanders back out and into the herd. 

I am telling you this not because I am missing my country roots but because I feel exactly like this when attorney meetings come around.  It is entered on each attorney’s outlook calendar and they each receive multiple emails warning them of the meeting, reminding them of the meeting and letting them know when lunch is in the conference room.  Somehow, however, my boss always blames me if he goes into the conference room and the others are not in there.  So I have to go “round em’ up” (his words) but it seems every attorney wants to be the last one in.  So one will go in there and meander right back out if he is the first one.  It is the most trivial task I have.  Then, because they always start the meeting late (as my team penning skills are not so great, I can't decide if it is because I don't get a team or because I don’t get a horse) I have to go in and get them to break it up for scheduled meetings and suddenly they need family time.  Needless to say, I am so glad these meetings have been changed to once every other week instead of weekly.

Holy Valentine's Day, Batman!

I think that couples who make a big deal out of Valentine's Day are really just setting themselves up for the makeup after the fight.  It is a silly holiday that actually means nothing except “hooray I am not alone!”  It is a pointless holiday.  It is not celebrating anything.  One might argue, “It is to celebrate our love!”  To that I say, “Don’t argue with me dumbass.”   Haha.  That was just for fun.  I think the real celebration of your love is your anniversary and the real celebration of your partner is their birthday.  Therefore, it is the celebration of red hearts and chocolate.   

I also think single people who make a huge deal about how depressing Valentine’s Day is are very annoying.  Whining about the fact that on this day it suddenly matters that you have been unable to make a relationship work is silly.  Wanting to be in a relationship for a greeting card and flowers is silly. 

Since I mock both sides of the spectrum in my mind (and now my blog), I am desperately trying to deny the existence Valentine’s Day so that I don’t feel anything about it. J  Anyone want to take a guess at how easy that is when you live with two couples and your boss actually decorates the entire office with red feathered hearts and I love you signs?  If one more person asks me what they should get their significant other for Valentine's Day, I am going to start throwin’ punches.  It is everywhere!

I think I am going to put my own spin on Valentine’s Day.  It is going to be like a mix of holidays.  Since most other holidays are celebrated in honor of the dead (who died honorably), I am going to make Valentine's Day a celebration those who died for the one they loved.  I don’t mean Romeo and Juliet (stupid kids with their raging hormones) I mean men and women who lived their whole lives for (and with) the one they loved or died for (or with) the one they loved. 

There, doesn’t that feel better?  I thought so.  You’re welcome.

Find Out What it Means to Me

Here is what I would like to say.  I know this may offend some people and for that, I am not really sorry.  I find that people often think very lowly of me.  People make assumptions about my character, my intelligence, my faith, my love and may other aspects of me.  I have never been someone who feels I need to assert myself or prove myself.  If someone wants to think something about me, let them.  But I do want to say something today.

I am not stupid.  I am an intelligent woman who has spent my life seeking truth and listening to both sides of every story.  Please don’t come at me like I am ignorant or unaware of what is going on around me.  I am very well informed about so many subjects and if I lack information in one I will certainly be the first to admit it. 

            In regards to my character, I am honest, loyal, caring, I bend over backwards to help the people in my life.  I fight for justice, I speak up for the people nobody listens to, I listen to the people who just need to talk, and I hold the ones that just want to cry.  I may have vices and I may be what my sisters call “rough around the edges,” but I have been through a lot of things in my life that very few people will ever know and even fewer understand.  Don’t question my character.  I try daily to show the love of Jesus to the people around me who need it.  That is all I can do.

            I went to a church for 22 years.  It was my church.  It was my school.  It was my friends, my family, and my entire life.  I chose to leave that church for reasons that are based in my faith, not because I lost faith.  When someone comes to me making an assumption that they need to teach me or that I am ignorant in my faith or my walk with the Lord simply because I no longer attend that church, it would be good of them to realize that I went there exponentially longer than them.  I could explain to them the year a concept was introduced, the reasons it came about, the message preached to introduce it and the pastor who inspired it.  The day I left that church I did not get amnesia and I did not suddenly stop loving the Lord.  I would appreciate if people would give me a little respect when it comes to this.  I have been through a whole lot more than most of the people preaching at me.  I “fell on my sword.”  I “stayed on the wheel.”  I “kissed the cross.”  Somehow, since the day I changed my church, my story has been rewritten and I am remembered very differently now. 

            More than anything I would like to say that while I am strong and confident, these assumptions and attitudes have truly hurt me.  I have lost friends that I love.  I people so close to me that I would have called them family.  Twenty–two years I invested and all I am constantly reminded that I no longer matter to anyone, I have nothing to offer, or I don’t exist.  It makes me angry and it breaks my heart every single time.  That is the truth.  It makes me angry which is what I might show on the outside, but it breaks my heart.  I think I deserve a little respect from my “brothers and sisters.”  The choices I have made, the life that I live, the person I have become are not all bad.