Final Stretch

I have two days of classes left in this semester.  Then, I have two weeks of finals.  I have 0 motivation left.  The list of things I have to do is miles long and I just hit this wall where I can't make my mind do what it is supposed to.  I have only about 16 days left and what I need to do is to man up and put every last ounce of energy and mind power I have into it and all I want to do is watch movies on the couch with my boyfriend.  Not good folks.  keep me in your thoughts and prayers.

This Chapter

     My story is no fairy tale.  There have been princesses in my story but they never had the lead role.  There have been monsters but the "heroine" of my story never sees them coming.  She confused the monsters with heroes, danger with adventure, and scars with lessons.  Some chapters have had unhappy endings.  Everyone's story changes them.  Everyone's quest creates a new character at each turn.  My story has been filled with life, love, loss, disappointment, lessons, triumph, failure and haunting memories.  My story is not what most think or expect from its cover but is not unlike many others. 

     I couldn't wait to start this chapter.  You know how it is, the chapter has such a promising title and after so many pages you just know it's going to be a great one.  All the chapters before that have been up and down, the chapters with too much excitement squeezed into a few pages and the chapters that dragged on, causing you to feel like you are waiting for something else and you don't know what it is.  But as the promising chapter unfolds, this sense of continuity becomes overwhelming.  All the chapters before it are tangled into it.  All the lessons are challenged.  All the mistakes weaken the resolve to continue.  All the fears dance around the character.  As you read her story, you want to slap her, you want to yell at her, you want to laugh and cry.  "What is wrong with her!" you think to yourself.  "Why doesn't she get it?" you sneer.  You can't remember why you keep reading this story!  "She can't still be so weak and afraid and easily disillusioned?  Can she?"  You get tired of her.  You get tired of her weakness.  You get tired of her fears. But maybe, in a beautiful moment of inner strength, she will make her story better.  Maybe a knight in shining armor will finally come for this damsel who is always in distress.  

4 x 7

There have been many times in my life when I have felt like others just don't seem to understand how much I have to accomplish in a week to make my life work and keep my head above water.  I am certainly at another time like that.  It is hard to explain to people, without sounding like I am whining or making excuses, that every moment of my day has to be accounted for.  Even writing this blog is not a wise use of my time and I know that.  I worked all day, every day this week in hopes to spend today doing nothing with my boyfriend.  However, when I woke up this morning I realized I still had too much to do to take a day off.  I have a paper to re-write, extra homework to do tomorrow since they added classes and I had a hypo to write and turn in to my group this morning.  I get up early (as early as I can drag my tired ass out of bed), I study, I go to class, listen, learn, and participate in front of a class of one hundred, sometimes I get grilled by professors on my knowledge of the material, study some more, go to class again, study some more, go home, study some more, and usually about 12-15 hours later, I spend an hour relaxing before I pass out.  I don't have time for phone calls, personal responsibilities, friends and family, shit I don't even have time to do my job.

This week I got in trouble at work for not putting in enough hours, I got a very discouraging grade on my mid-term, and I realized that I am not sure I can make my money stretch as much as it needs to.  It was a very challenging week.  And I noticed when I tried to explain it, people can't seem to understand.  Maybe because the idea of "being in school" doesn't seem that challenging to most people who have finished their educations and have been working in the real world.  To be honest, I really thought law school was going to be pretty similar to undergrad and everything was going to be fine.  I worked full time in undergrad and kept an A average.  I have worked in law firms for 11 years.  How could it be that hard?  Well let me tell you, this is the hardest thing I have ever done and I am not even sure that using every moment and brain cell I have to give, that I can do it.  I wish I could explain better but I can't.  I just beg your patience with me.  I know that I am not able to be there for everyone like I should be.  I love you, I just don't have time for you.  I don't even have time for me.  Well I better get back to it.

Thankfulness, Week 1

November 1 - I am thankful that I was given the opportunity to chase my dreams by being accepted in to law school.
November 2 - I am thankful for my study group.  With them, I stand a chance of success.
November 3 - I am thankful that I am finally getting over this stupid sickness!
November 4 - I am thankful for my workout buddy, ex-roommate, support-system, Cheer-leader and friend, Des.
November 5 - I am thankful that God gave me the strength to be alone when it hurt the most, the wisdom to know I needed to be, and the hope that there is better.