Unstable

I think I am currently emotionally unstable. I was having a pretty good day today. I was staying positive and trying not to let the small stuff bother me (as I often have to do working in this law firm) and all of a sudden this afternoon a wave of sadness came over me that I just can't shake. I have pretty much been wavering between bursting into tears or melting into a fit of rage for the last month. Which of course has resulted in me working harder, more quietly and with short answers to the people I work with. : ( which I do feel bad about. So this week I have been attempting to pick my broken spirits up and try to let go of some of the anger. But of wourse when I do that, I realize how much sadness it was masking. So I have developed a new coping mechanism...solitaire. I found out my phone has solitaire and I have been playing it anytime I am not at work or sleeping (I even play it when a movie is on or I am with people) to keep the tears from coming. I really just don't want to be sad anymore. I can honeslty say that I have sepnt more of the last 7 years sad over some guy that broke my heart than I have been happy with some guy who will eventually break my heart. I just want to be fine now. I want to be fine with being alone, fine with the fact that the relationshps I have tried did not work out, fine with the possibility that perhaps I will always end up alone. I just want to be fine.

Sometime I Wish I wasn't so Afraid to Tell the Truth

Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
hurt myself again today
and the worst part is there's no one else to blame

be my friend, hold me
wrap me up, unfold me
I am small, I'm needy
warm me up and breathe me

Ouch, I have lost myself again
lost myself and I am nowhere to be found
Yeah, I think that I might break
Lost myself and I feel unsafe

be my friend, hold me
wrap me up, unfold me
I am small, I'm needy
warm me up and breathe me

be my friend, hold me
wrap me up, unfold me
I am small, I'm needy
warm me up and breathe me

Cranky

I am cranky today. Little sister and Stephanie have both said I am nasty today. I am irritated and frustrated and I don't really know why. I just like to be left alone when I am focused and that never happens here. There is always someone trying to talk to me and I have been trying so hard to get so much done this week, I have worked a lot of late nights and I am just getting annoyed I guess.

Or maybe it is how irritated I am by the fact that every man I have attempted to let in but screwed it up with me is contacting me this month. Why is it so easy to let me go as a girlfriend but not one of them will ever let go completely? Why does friends matter so much to these guys? I mean seriously. I don't really keep friends that break my heart. And I am still hurting a little over the fact that the one "good guy" I found just got scared because some stupid woman treated him bad and he took it out on me by not giving me a chance.

Or maybe it is the holidays. I have never really liked the holidays (particularly Christmas). The only thing I did like about them was buying gifts for my family and making them smile, I have not been able to really do even that the last few years and I feel SO ALONE during the holidays.

Or maybe it is being out of school too long. I will never forget something my mom said to me once. She said "Kristin you are stressed out when you are in school but you become downright cranky when you are not in school." (paraphrasing) lol. I had never been conscious of it but it is true. When I don't feel like I am moving in the direction of my dreams I get really frustrated. I have been out of school for almost a year and while I am enjoying my life, I am turning 28 in 2 weeks and the fact that I am not in law school bothers me. Especially since I work with a 29 year old attorney. Who has been practicing for about 5 years.

Maybe it is all of those things combined. Maybe it is that I have been living in my apartment for 4 months and I don't even have a couch! Who knows. I need a beer. Thank God it is Friday.