Monday, November 22, 2010
Things I Never Want to Hear Again
"I was the lucky one to have you." "I made a mistake." "I should never have pushed you away." "I am just not ready YET." "You are the one I want to marry, I am just not ready for you." "I still want to be friends." which is code for "I want to keep you close so I don't really lose you and I can still have you when I am ready." "You were perfect." "I don't deserve you." "I'll love you till the day I die (of course after they broke my heart and I have gotten over them)." "Please give me another chance." Uggh. It all makes me sick to my stomach. I have an idea, how about someone figure out that what they have is good while they have it and just not screw it up.
Friday, November 12, 2010
Love.
To me love is that feeling inside that fills your chest so full with excitement that you feel your frame is too small to contain it.
To me love is when you wake up from a deep sleep because you are being held so tight you can feel the fear to lose you.
To me love is when you apologize simply because it hurts too much to have distance or silence between you.
To me love is that moment you realize you are standing on the edge of allowing yourself to be vulnerable and your heart seizes in your chest but you decide it’s worth the risk.
To me love is the possibility of unpredictable pain or sorrow.
To me love is the quirks that drive you crazy but you miss like crazy when they are away.
To me love is how much they makes you luagh and the feeling inside when you can make them laugh.
To me love is the list of things that you can’t wait to tell them because you haven’t seen them all day.
To me love is full disclosure, complete trust.
To me love is the most frightening, confusing, infuriating, and desirable experience I never want to feel again and never want to give up on.
To me love is when you wake up from a deep sleep because you are being held so tight you can feel the fear to lose you.
To me love is when you apologize simply because it hurts too much to have distance or silence between you.
To me love is that moment you realize you are standing on the edge of allowing yourself to be vulnerable and your heart seizes in your chest but you decide it’s worth the risk.
To me love is the possibility of unpredictable pain or sorrow.
To me love is the quirks that drive you crazy but you miss like crazy when they are away.
To me love is how much they makes you luagh and the feeling inside when you can make them laugh.
To me love is the list of things that you can’t wait to tell them because you haven’t seen them all day.
To me love is full disclosure, complete trust.
To me love is the most frightening, confusing, infuriating, and desirable experience I never want to feel again and never want to give up on.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Burdened
"My recent knowledge...had awakened a vulnerability within me, triggered something deep, unspoken, that haunted me, that burdened me." - Tatiana de Rosnay
I am reading Sarah's Key by Tatiana Rosnay this week (hooray for taking the bus!). I was really moved by the above excerpt. My family and close friends joke about how I will only read books when someone is being oppressed or mistreated. It's kind of true. I have such a burden for those who have been wronged in this life but not just a sad story. I mean the tragedies of the past and present. The stories no one really wants to hear because it is uncomfortable and even painful. I remember the first time I felt the way this woman so eloquently communicated. I was 18 years old in community college. I was taking a sociology class and they showed a film on historical racism in America. The film told stories of murder and showed pictures of lynching. I remember feeling like I had seen my best friend murdered before my eyes. I was fighting back tears. All the other students were completely unaffected and I felt traumatized. I remember walking out of class that day and this white guy (very hot white guy) said to me how he hated that school because he felt like the scum of the Earth for being a white male. It wasn’t his fault and he was tired of them always trying to make him feel bad. I couldn’t even make words come out of my mouth.
I don’t think the pit in my stomach or the burden on my heart has ever lifted. I can honestly say that I could (and hope to) send the rest of my life fighting that injustice. I was literally ruined that day. I spent the rest of my college career focusing my education on African American studies and the unique African American experience. Maybe no one will ever understand the feeling in my heart: the compassion, the empathy, the rage, the passion, the heartache. But it drives me every day. It is part of me. I carry the burden of that bloody history and I carry the passion to see our system abolish all forms of inequality and injustice.
I am reading Sarah's Key by Tatiana Rosnay this week (hooray for taking the bus!). I was really moved by the above excerpt. My family and close friends joke about how I will only read books when someone is being oppressed or mistreated. It's kind of true. I have such a burden for those who have been wronged in this life but not just a sad story. I mean the tragedies of the past and present. The stories no one really wants to hear because it is uncomfortable and even painful. I remember the first time I felt the way this woman so eloquently communicated. I was 18 years old in community college. I was taking a sociology class and they showed a film on historical racism in America. The film told stories of murder and showed pictures of lynching. I remember feeling like I had seen my best friend murdered before my eyes. I was fighting back tears. All the other students were completely unaffected and I felt traumatized. I remember walking out of class that day and this white guy (very hot white guy) said to me how he hated that school because he felt like the scum of the Earth for being a white male. It wasn’t his fault and he was tired of them always trying to make him feel bad. I couldn’t even make words come out of my mouth.
I don’t think the pit in my stomach or the burden on my heart has ever lifted. I can honestly say that I could (and hope to) send the rest of my life fighting that injustice. I was literally ruined that day. I spent the rest of my college career focusing my education on African American studies and the unique African American experience. Maybe no one will ever understand the feeling in my heart: the compassion, the empathy, the rage, the passion, the heartache. But it drives me every day. It is part of me. I carry the burden of that bloody history and I carry the passion to see our system abolish all forms of inequality and injustice.
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