So here it is. I told you all that I got in to law school. That is something I have wanted for over 15 years. I have been fighting for that dream to come true for years. However, when I got the letter of acceptance (and the gracious academic scholarship), I felt nothing. Literally nothing. I should have been jumping out of my skin with excitement. Instead, I went to bed. The next morning, I rushed over to my parents to tell them and while they were screaming and yelling and high-fiving, I still felt nothing. This week I realized, I am TERRIFIED to go to law school.
My whole life, I was never the smartest kid in school. I was not the smartest kid in my family. I was not the smartest kid anywhere. I will be the first to admit that my getting through high school and college was not due to my intelligence. Everything I have accomplished has been due to my tenacity and perhaps even in spite of my intelligence. I have failed classes, made mistakes, and taken whole years off. The only difference between me and the homeless guy on the corner is that I just never give up.
Now I am going into an area that is extremely competitive. I am older. My brain is a little less sharp after years of chronic fatigue. I absolutely never win competitions, and if I fail a class, I lose my scholarships.
What I realized this week is that I have a paralyzing expectation of failure over myself. Seeing my parents, sisters and friends all so proud of me has scared me half to death. In addition to my lack of faith in myself, I realized that I have to let go of some things in my life that I have not really wanted to let go of. Going to law school will require me letting go of everything I hold dear here. Letting go of those things is proving to me much more difficult than I thought it would be.
Alas, the thoughts of a scared child. Don’t be worried. My tenacity will not let me stay. J But your prayers during this difficult time of facing my fears would be much appreciated.
