The end of an Era

As you know, I left my twenties behind this month and entered my thirties.  New Year's Day has always passed unnoticed in my life.  I set my goals for the New Year when I personally start my New Year, December 17th.  But as everyone discusses goals and wishes, I can't help feeling like this is an end of an Era.  This year, my life changed in a big way.  change is a constant occurrence in my life.  School, work and relationships are pass me like street lights.  The difference this year is that in the past, I felt like circumstances have, changed people have changed, jobs have changed, and even I have changed.  This year feels different.  I can't entirely describe it, except to say that this year, my life has changed.  It is a more definite, all-encompassing change.  It feels more complete.  I feel like my past is ending and my future is beginning.  I am living a new life and letting go of the old one.  I am okay with that.  There is nothing in my past I want to hold on to (well..except that I never seem to be able to stop coming back to LLF for the occasional visit. :)  I can't pinpoint what it is that makes me feel this resolution but I feel it. 

So to you I say Happy New Year!  Cheer up because life is beautiful, full of surprises and you never know which day will begin the rest of your life. :)

30 Years

Well world, I did it.  I made it through my first semester of law school.  I lived.  I wont' know my scores until sometime in January and I don't care to think about it.  I rested for a couple of days and on Monday, I turned 30.  That's right, I entered a new decade. It was scary to think about but it was the best birthday I have had in 24 years. :)  My boyfriend spoiled me.  The truth is, just remembering it at all would have had me elated but he did more than remember, he bought me a gift and took me out to a wonderful dinner.  I got to talk to everyone in my family, I got a massage, and I got breakfast with my good friend Des.  I was relaxed (perhaps still in shock) and just thoroughly enjoyed the day. 

 

My Brain Hurts

Today, I am at a breaking point.  I have completed 3 out of 5 classes and I feel like I cannot learn or remember one more thing.  This program is nuts.  We spend an average of 12 hours a day, six days a week learning tons of crazy information for 16 weeks.  Then when finals come, they are spaced 3 days apart.  That means, we have 72 hours to review, synthesize and memorize 4 months of information for a 4 hour final.  This is no joke.  My criminal law textbook is 1200 pages and we covered ALL of the information in it.  I will have 72 hours to cram 1200 pages of information, legal concept and cases into my tiny little, forgetful brain and beg Jesus to keep it in there for me.  No wonder lawyers can be such assholes.  They are as bitter as ex-prisoner who had to be some other man's boyfriend.  Anyway, my brain is so tired and in my civil procedure class, I (along with the rest of my class) learned little to nothing from the professor so I have 72 hours to clear up all the confusion of the last 4 months.  At this point I am ready to throw my hands up in the air, scream "f* it!" drink a bottle of wine and watch movies that make me cry.

I know, I know, "these are the moments that make us stronger" or "it's moments like these that you have to keep pushing, you're almost there"  blah blah blah.  I know.  But what I am telling you is, if my brain could vomit like a stomach, there would be brain spew all over this computer.  I am genuinely concerned about cerebral hemorrhaging.  I shoulda been a shepherd.

Breathe, Stretch, Shake

I turned in my final paper for Legal Writing on Sunday and took my first law school final exam on Tuesday.  I have three more and then I can stare at a wall for four months.  I can't really, I have a lot of work to do in those four weeks to make up for the hours I haven't been able to put in during this semester.  When I finished my exam, there was a brief moment of relief: breathe, stretch, shake and on to Contracts.  I am so out of energy and will power and patience but I have to make every minute count until it's over.  I will be honest, this is the hardest thing I have ever done.  It is hard EVERY SINGLE DAY.  It is nearly impossible to find a balance.  It is consuming.  I have the best boyfriend and I just have so little time for him.  I have a great job and I can never put the hours in that I need to.  I miss my amazing friends and family.  Every fear and insecurity I have rears it's ugly head at me every day.  It is a battle just to believe that I can do this much less do it.  I am right where I have always wanted to be but this life I chose is not an easy one.  I am still fighting for my dreams and my destiny but it really is a fight.  Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers folks.  Also, I just want to say thank you to my boyfriend.  You have been such an amazing support and I am thankful for you every day.  This would be so much harder without you reminding me that I am usually overreacting.  ; )

Final Stretch

I have two days of classes left in this semester.  Then, I have two weeks of finals.  I have 0 motivation left.  The list of things I have to do is miles long and I just hit this wall where I can't make my mind do what it is supposed to.  I have only about 16 days left and what I need to do is to man up and put every last ounce of energy and mind power I have into it and all I want to do is watch movies on the couch with my boyfriend.  Not good folks.  keep me in your thoughts and prayers.

This Chapter

     My story is no fairy tale.  There have been princesses in my story but they never had the lead role.  There have been monsters but the "heroine" of my story never sees them coming.  She confused the monsters with heroes, danger with adventure, and scars with lessons.  Some chapters have had unhappy endings.  Everyone's story changes them.  Everyone's quest creates a new character at each turn.  My story has been filled with life, love, loss, disappointment, lessons, triumph, failure and haunting memories.  My story is not what most think or expect from its cover but is not unlike many others. 

     I couldn't wait to start this chapter.  You know how it is, the chapter has such a promising title and after so many pages you just know it's going to be a great one.  All the chapters before that have been up and down, the chapters with too much excitement squeezed into a few pages and the chapters that dragged on, causing you to feel like you are waiting for something else and you don't know what it is.  But as the promising chapter unfolds, this sense of continuity becomes overwhelming.  All the chapters before it are tangled into it.  All the lessons are challenged.  All the mistakes weaken the resolve to continue.  All the fears dance around the character.  As you read her story, you want to slap her, you want to yell at her, you want to laugh and cry.  "What is wrong with her!" you think to yourself.  "Why doesn't she get it?" you sneer.  You can't remember why you keep reading this story!  "She can't still be so weak and afraid and easily disillusioned?  Can she?"  You get tired of her.  You get tired of her weakness.  You get tired of her fears. But maybe, in a beautiful moment of inner strength, she will make her story better.  Maybe a knight in shining armor will finally come for this damsel who is always in distress.  

4 x 7

There have been many times in my life when I have felt like others just don't seem to understand how much I have to accomplish in a week to make my life work and keep my head above water.  I am certainly at another time like that.  It is hard to explain to people, without sounding like I am whining or making excuses, that every moment of my day has to be accounted for.  Even writing this blog is not a wise use of my time and I know that.  I worked all day, every day this week in hopes to spend today doing nothing with my boyfriend.  However, when I woke up this morning I realized I still had too much to do to take a day off.  I have a paper to re-write, extra homework to do tomorrow since they added classes and I had a hypo to write and turn in to my group this morning.  I get up early (as early as I can drag my tired ass out of bed), I study, I go to class, listen, learn, and participate in front of a class of one hundred, sometimes I get grilled by professors on my knowledge of the material, study some more, go to class again, study some more, go home, study some more, and usually about 12-15 hours later, I spend an hour relaxing before I pass out.  I don't have time for phone calls, personal responsibilities, friends and family, shit I don't even have time to do my job.

This week I got in trouble at work for not putting in enough hours, I got a very discouraging grade on my mid-term, and I realized that I am not sure I can make my money stretch as much as it needs to.  It was a very challenging week.  And I noticed when I tried to explain it, people can't seem to understand.  Maybe because the idea of "being in school" doesn't seem that challenging to most people who have finished their educations and have been working in the real world.  To be honest, I really thought law school was going to be pretty similar to undergrad and everything was going to be fine.  I worked full time in undergrad and kept an A average.  I have worked in law firms for 11 years.  How could it be that hard?  Well let me tell you, this is the hardest thing I have ever done and I am not even sure that using every moment and brain cell I have to give, that I can do it.  I wish I could explain better but I can't.  I just beg your patience with me.  I know that I am not able to be there for everyone like I should be.  I love you, I just don't have time for you.  I don't even have time for me.  Well I better get back to it.