Boot Camp

I am starting to understand that law school works much like boot camp.  They push you to a point of pure exhaustion and then continue to push.  Last week, I reach a point to where my response to everything was just "bring it on."  I didn't care what they through at me.  I performed a client interview, a negotiation, prepared for a mock trial, worked 5 hours at my job and read hundreds of text book pages.  I did what I never expected to be able to do simply because I had no other choice.  That is not even including the personal struggles that I had to weather.  I thought of it as my own personal boot camp.  So the update is, that I am still succeeding in law school.

This week I have a mock trial.  I never anticipated participating in a mock trial but here I am getting ready for it.  And I will do it.  Hopefully, I will feel that i successfully completed the experience.  Either way, I'm doing it.  keep me in your thoughts and prayers.  Specifically, pray that my health can keep up with this pace.  Thank you for the support and love, it means the world to me right now!

Mother Theresa: Dead or Alive

Something happened to me that I am unable to get out of my head.  As I was driving to my Amir’s house last Friday, I exited the freeway and came to a light.  An older woman came up to my passenger side window and as I rolled down my window a few inches (not far enough for her to reach in of course).  She told me that she was in need of a ride to dialysis and at a nearby hospital or she was going to be late.  I hesitated.  I didn’t know if this woman was safe.  This is a struggle I have had since I was a child.  I don’t consider myself a stupid woman but I have been told that in compassion, I have made some stupid decisions (unsafe to be exact).  I told the woman I was going to be late myself and I was sorry but I could not take her. 

As soon as I drove away this terrible guilt came over me.  Dialysis is a serious and necessary procedure.  If this woman truly was going to miss her dialysis appointment, could she die?  What if her bus never came and she was truly desperate.  I decided I would pick Amir up and come back to giver her a ride but when I arrived he was in a meeting.  I was so angry with myself.  I never wanted to be the person that didn’t take someone at his or her word and help when it is possible they need help.  I never wanted to become the kind of person that assumes every homeless person is only going to use any money I give him or her for drugs and therefore justify not giving at all.  And that is what I felt I had done.  I was struggling with safety v. compassion. 

Thankfully, there was a police officer parked in Amir’s apartment complex so I ran out and told him about the situation.  He told me that he thinks that woman is out there all the time but that he would go ask her if she needed a ride for my peace of mind.  I was relieved but still upset with myself.  Is there really a right answer?  Should I just forget about safety and do what Jesus would do?  Or should I remember that Jesus had foreknowledge of exactly when he was going to die?  I just don’t believe in choosing safety over compassion.  The choice I made wasn’t true to my own values, it was just the result of 30 years of being 5’3” and getting pushed around.  It was the result of 30 years of people telling me what is safe and what isn’t or getting in trouble for jeopardizing my safety.  It was the result of the news’ daily reminders that women in America are never safe.  It may also be a result of me watching too many episodes of Cold Case, Bones and Criminal Minds.  This conundrum is something that never seems to stop haunting me.  I am curious to here your thoughts on this issue.  Safety or compassion?  Why?

Part I, Round II

Well I am certainly not at the top of the class, but I didn't fail any of my classes.  I did okay.  So now we have Part I, Round II.  I can't say I am excited but I survived the first half so I should be able to survive the second half.

I had a great break though!  I made some money, got some rest, bought a new computer, and enjoyed some time with my wonderful boyfriend. :)  I wish it didn't have to end.  But it does.  I am pretty grateful for the memories, the rest, and a greater understanding of how blessed I am with love and support.

The end of an Era

As you know, I left my twenties behind this month and entered my thirties.  New Year's Day has always passed unnoticed in my life.  I set my goals for the New Year when I personally start my New Year, December 17th.  But as everyone discusses goals and wishes, I can't help feeling like this is an end of an Era.  This year, my life changed in a big way.  change is a constant occurrence in my life.  School, work and relationships are pass me like street lights.  The difference this year is that in the past, I felt like circumstances have, changed people have changed, jobs have changed, and even I have changed.  This year feels different.  I can't entirely describe it, except to say that this year, my life has changed.  It is a more definite, all-encompassing change.  It feels more complete.  I feel like my past is ending and my future is beginning.  I am living a new life and letting go of the old one.  I am okay with that.  There is nothing in my past I want to hold on to (well..except that I never seem to be able to stop coming back to LLF for the occasional visit. :)  I can't pinpoint what it is that makes me feel this resolution but I feel it. 

So to you I say Happy New Year!  Cheer up because life is beautiful, full of surprises and you never know which day will begin the rest of your life. :)

30 Years

Well world, I did it.  I made it through my first semester of law school.  I lived.  I wont' know my scores until sometime in January and I don't care to think about it.  I rested for a couple of days and on Monday, I turned 30.  That's right, I entered a new decade. It was scary to think about but it was the best birthday I have had in 24 years. :)  My boyfriend spoiled me.  The truth is, just remembering it at all would have had me elated but he did more than remember, he bought me a gift and took me out to a wonderful dinner.  I got to talk to everyone in my family, I got a massage, and I got breakfast with my good friend Des.  I was relaxed (perhaps still in shock) and just thoroughly enjoyed the day. 

 

My Brain Hurts

Today, I am at a breaking point.  I have completed 3 out of 5 classes and I feel like I cannot learn or remember one more thing.  This program is nuts.  We spend an average of 12 hours a day, six days a week learning tons of crazy information for 16 weeks.  Then when finals come, they are spaced 3 days apart.  That means, we have 72 hours to review, synthesize and memorize 4 months of information for a 4 hour final.  This is no joke.  My criminal law textbook is 1200 pages and we covered ALL of the information in it.  I will have 72 hours to cram 1200 pages of information, legal concept and cases into my tiny little, forgetful brain and beg Jesus to keep it in there for me.  No wonder lawyers can be such assholes.  They are as bitter as ex-prisoner who had to be some other man's boyfriend.  Anyway, my brain is so tired and in my civil procedure class, I (along with the rest of my class) learned little to nothing from the professor so I have 72 hours to clear up all the confusion of the last 4 months.  At this point I am ready to throw my hands up in the air, scream "f* it!" drink a bottle of wine and watch movies that make me cry.

I know, I know, "these are the moments that make us stronger" or "it's moments like these that you have to keep pushing, you're almost there"  blah blah blah.  I know.  But what I am telling you is, if my brain could vomit like a stomach, there would be brain spew all over this computer.  I am genuinely concerned about cerebral hemorrhaging.  I shoulda been a shepherd.

Breathe, Stretch, Shake

I turned in my final paper for Legal Writing on Sunday and took my first law school final exam on Tuesday.  I have three more and then I can stare at a wall for four months.  I can't really, I have a lot of work to do in those four weeks to make up for the hours I haven't been able to put in during this semester.  When I finished my exam, there was a brief moment of relief: breathe, stretch, shake and on to Contracts.  I am so out of energy and will power and patience but I have to make every minute count until it's over.  I will be honest, this is the hardest thing I have ever done.  It is hard EVERY SINGLE DAY.  It is nearly impossible to find a balance.  It is consuming.  I have the best boyfriend and I just have so little time for him.  I have a great job and I can never put the hours in that I need to.  I miss my amazing friends and family.  Every fear and insecurity I have rears it's ugly head at me every day.  It is a battle just to believe that I can do this much less do it.  I am right where I have always wanted to be but this life I chose is not an easy one.  I am still fighting for my dreams and my destiny but it really is a fight.  Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers folks.  Also, I just want to say thank you to my boyfriend.  You have been such an amazing support and I am thankful for you every day.  This would be so much harder without you reminding me that I am usually overreacting.  ; )