Final Stretch

I have two days of classes left in this semester.  Then, I have two weeks of finals.  I have 0 motivation left.  The list of things I have to do is miles long and I just hit this wall where I can't make my mind do what it is supposed to.  I have only about 16 days left and what I need to do is to man up and put every last ounce of energy and mind power I have into it and all I want to do is watch movies on the couch with my boyfriend.  Not good folks.  keep me in your thoughts and prayers.

This Chapter

     My story is no fairy tale.  There have been princesses in my story but they never had the lead role.  There have been monsters but the "heroine" of my story never sees them coming.  She confused the monsters with heroes, danger with adventure, and scars with lessons.  Some chapters have had unhappy endings.  Everyone's story changes them.  Everyone's quest creates a new character at each turn.  My story has been filled with life, love, loss, disappointment, lessons, triumph, failure and haunting memories.  My story is not what most think or expect from its cover but is not unlike many others. 

     I couldn't wait to start this chapter.  You know how it is, the chapter has such a promising title and after so many pages you just know it's going to be a great one.  All the chapters before that have been up and down, the chapters with too much excitement squeezed into a few pages and the chapters that dragged on, causing you to feel like you are waiting for something else and you don't know what it is.  But as the promising chapter unfolds, this sense of continuity becomes overwhelming.  All the chapters before it are tangled into it.  All the lessons are challenged.  All the mistakes weaken the resolve to continue.  All the fears dance around the character.  As you read her story, you want to slap her, you want to yell at her, you want to laugh and cry.  "What is wrong with her!" you think to yourself.  "Why doesn't she get it?" you sneer.  You can't remember why you keep reading this story!  "She can't still be so weak and afraid and easily disillusioned?  Can she?"  You get tired of her.  You get tired of her weakness.  You get tired of her fears. But maybe, in a beautiful moment of inner strength, she will make her story better.  Maybe a knight in shining armor will finally come for this damsel who is always in distress.  

4 x 7

There have been many times in my life when I have felt like others just don't seem to understand how much I have to accomplish in a week to make my life work and keep my head above water.  I am certainly at another time like that.  It is hard to explain to people, without sounding like I am whining or making excuses, that every moment of my day has to be accounted for.  Even writing this blog is not a wise use of my time and I know that.  I worked all day, every day this week in hopes to spend today doing nothing with my boyfriend.  However, when I woke up this morning I realized I still had too much to do to take a day off.  I have a paper to re-write, extra homework to do tomorrow since they added classes and I had a hypo to write and turn in to my group this morning.  I get up early (as early as I can drag my tired ass out of bed), I study, I go to class, listen, learn, and participate in front of a class of one hundred, sometimes I get grilled by professors on my knowledge of the material, study some more, go to class again, study some more, go home, study some more, and usually about 12-15 hours later, I spend an hour relaxing before I pass out.  I don't have time for phone calls, personal responsibilities, friends and family, shit I don't even have time to do my job.

This week I got in trouble at work for not putting in enough hours, I got a very discouraging grade on my mid-term, and I realized that I am not sure I can make my money stretch as much as it needs to.  It was a very challenging week.  And I noticed when I tried to explain it, people can't seem to understand.  Maybe because the idea of "being in school" doesn't seem that challenging to most people who have finished their educations and have been working in the real world.  To be honest, I really thought law school was going to be pretty similar to undergrad and everything was going to be fine.  I worked full time in undergrad and kept an A average.  I have worked in law firms for 11 years.  How could it be that hard?  Well let me tell you, this is the hardest thing I have ever done and I am not even sure that using every moment and brain cell I have to give, that I can do it.  I wish I could explain better but I can't.  I just beg your patience with me.  I know that I am not able to be there for everyone like I should be.  I love you, I just don't have time for you.  I don't even have time for me.  Well I better get back to it.

Thankfulness, Week 1

November 1 - I am thankful that I was given the opportunity to chase my dreams by being accepted in to law school.
November 2 - I am thankful for my study group.  With them, I stand a chance of success.
November 3 - I am thankful that I am finally getting over this stupid sickness!
November 4 - I am thankful for my workout buddy, ex-roommate, support-system, Cheer-leader and friend, Des.
November 5 - I am thankful that God gave me the strength to be alone when it hurt the most, the wisdom to know I needed to be, and the hope that there is better.

The Cold Test

    When I get sick, I get "knocked-on-my-ass" sick."  And that, my friends, is exactly how I spent my weekend..."knocked-on-my-ass" sick.  It crept up Friday night after a pleasant evening of dinner with Little Sister and her Beau followed by drinks with some friends from law school.  On the way home, I noticed a little itch in my throat.  the next 4 days have been filled with obscene amounts of mucous, an exhausting amount of coughing, an overwhelming amount of aches, pains and headaches, and an unending feeling that one of my sister's labs is sleeping on my chest.  

     I usually only get sick like this once a year and I guess I am glad the worst of it hit me on the weekend but man, I forgot how much a cold can suck.  

     That leads me to more important thoughts.  I think a cold is a real indication of the kind of man you have found.  The way a man treats you when you are sick is extremely important and indicative of how well he will be able to take care of you and children in the future.  Having the best dad in the world, I sort of expect to be babied a little bit when I am sick.  I probably won't ask for it but I sure do notice when a guy doesn't attempt to take care of me.  

      This weekend, my boyfriend made me drink tons of V8 (thank God I haven't been able to taste or smell anything), made me fried rice (???), and anytime I had a coughing fit, he forced me to gargle salt water twice and drink a tablespoon of honey (ew).  He called that last one "an old negro remedy."  lol.  It certainly isn't what my dad did for me when I was sick (which was to buy me 4 or 5 different cold medicines and whatever I wanted to eat/drink at the store and then look at me so sad that he could do more :), but it certainly was adorable.  OH AND HE LET ME WATCH WHATEVER I WANTED ALL DAY ON MONDAY!  Until about 6 PM when he told me he could not watch one more episode of Criminal Minds. But he took good care of me, in his own way.  He passed the cold test. ; )

Things I Have Learned About Law School

I like lists.  :)

My law school has the number one legal writing program in the nation.

out of the 290 incoming students of my class, only 150 are expected to graduate.

I can get up at 6AM and study until 9PM and still not get everything done.

The daily goal is really very simple (in theory):  JUST TRY NOT TO LOOK LIKE A COMPLETE IDIOT.

Maybe later I will fill you in on just how badly I failed that goal last week.  Maybe I will suppress the memory altogether.

All 4 One

     Hello world!  I am sure you will all be pleased to learn law school has not killed me (yet).  I spent a little time in Civil Procedure to figure out how many weeks have passed and how many weeks are in a semester because that is just how good of a student I am.  Please, save your applause till the end.  :)  Turns out I am in week 10 of an 18 week semester.  That's right folks, I am 1/4 of the way through my first year of law school.  Seriously, clap later.  Oh wait, that only impresses me.
     I am pleased to tell you I started my new job this week.  I thought I would be starting months ago but there were some hang ups.  I am pleased to be the proud paralegal of another firm in Seattle.  Today I got up at 6 (which is my usual routine) and did homework, went to class, did homework, went to class, ate a sandwich, did homework, went to class and headed home for work.  Truth be told, I loved it.  I might be sick and masochistic but I am glad I am working while I am in school.  I like it for two reasons 1) I like for even a couple hours feeling like I know what the hell I am doing and 2) I like getting paid to do what I know. :)  I still feel nervous because this firm has put a lot of faith in me and the managing partner even told me he would like the first opportunity at hiring me when I am done with law school.  That's nice to hear, especially when I daily question whether I will make it that far.  Some folks have already dropped out.
     In other news.  I like my boyfriend.  He is as sweet as a little puppy cuddling you when you are sad.  He has been amazingly supportive and so understanding when I have so little time.  Pretty sure my bat-shit crazy ass doesn't deserve that but I'll take it.
     I miss my old life.  I miss my crazy old boss.  I miss friends.  I miss my coffee and longboarding with my little sister.  I miss my early morning workouts with Des.  I miss how good I was looking from those early morning workouts with Des.  I miss having money.  I miss free time.  But I have made friends in law school and I have a great study group that I think will really help me succeed in this new endeavor.  I am blessed so I certainly have nothing to complain about, at least that's what my boyfriend tells me. :)  Obviously he is smarter than me (don't tell him I said that).
     I know this is scattered but it is the longest conversation I have had that wasn't about some guy stabbing his wife 19 times or some stupid dispute over seeds or some kid being crippled for life because a 12 year old boy kicked him in the leg.  You get the point.  In summary, I am still crazy as can be and trying to do things I am convinced I can't just because I have undiagnosed multiple personalities but I am alive and do far they haven't kicked me out.  I'm learning a lot and I am so grateful for such a supportive boyfriend that calms me down when I get to worked up (well, actually he just starts laughing at me but sometimes that works too).
  I do genuinely hope that my relentless pursuit of what I know I am on this planet for inspires somebody out there not to give up.  And I hope that all my talking stretches some one's mind and makes their heart grow bigger so they can change the world.  Cause that's what I think it's about.  That's why I get up every morning, I want to make a positive difference.  With all that's wrong with me, I hope that my heart can change what my mind sees wrong with the world.