All 4 One

     Hello world!  I am sure you will all be pleased to learn law school has not killed me (yet).  I spent a little time in Civil Procedure to figure out how many weeks have passed and how many weeks are in a semester because that is just how good of a student I am.  Please, save your applause till the end.  :)  Turns out I am in week 10 of an 18 week semester.  That's right folks, I am 1/4 of the way through my first year of law school.  Seriously, clap later.  Oh wait, that only impresses me.
     I am pleased to tell you I started my new job this week.  I thought I would be starting months ago but there were some hang ups.  I am pleased to be the proud paralegal of another firm in Seattle.  Today I got up at 6 (which is my usual routine) and did homework, went to class, did homework, went to class, ate a sandwich, did homework, went to class and headed home for work.  Truth be told, I loved it.  I might be sick and masochistic but I am glad I am working while I am in school.  I like it for two reasons 1) I like for even a couple hours feeling like I know what the hell I am doing and 2) I like getting paid to do what I know. :)  I still feel nervous because this firm has put a lot of faith in me and the managing partner even told me he would like the first opportunity at hiring me when I am done with law school.  That's nice to hear, especially when I daily question whether I will make it that far.  Some folks have already dropped out.
     In other news.  I like my boyfriend.  He is as sweet as a little puppy cuddling you when you are sad.  He has been amazingly supportive and so understanding when I have so little time.  Pretty sure my bat-shit crazy ass doesn't deserve that but I'll take it.
     I miss my old life.  I miss my crazy old boss.  I miss friends.  I miss my coffee and longboarding with my little sister.  I miss my early morning workouts with Des.  I miss how good I was looking from those early morning workouts with Des.  I miss having money.  I miss free time.  But I have made friends in law school and I have a great study group that I think will really help me succeed in this new endeavor.  I am blessed so I certainly have nothing to complain about, at least that's what my boyfriend tells me. :)  Obviously he is smarter than me (don't tell him I said that).
     I know this is scattered but it is the longest conversation I have had that wasn't about some guy stabbing his wife 19 times or some stupid dispute over seeds or some kid being crippled for life because a 12 year old boy kicked him in the leg.  You get the point.  In summary, I am still crazy as can be and trying to do things I am convinced I can't just because I have undiagnosed multiple personalities but I am alive and do far they haven't kicked me out.  I'm learning a lot and I am so grateful for such a supportive boyfriend that calms me down when I get to worked up (well, actually he just starts laughing at me but sometimes that works too).
  I do genuinely hope that my relentless pursuit of what I know I am on this planet for inspires somebody out there not to give up.  And I hope that all my talking stretches some one's mind and makes their heart grow bigger so they can change the world.  Cause that's what I think it's about.  That's why I get up every morning, I want to make a positive difference.  With all that's wrong with me, I hope that my heart can change what my mind sees wrong with the world.

Racism

  I don't know if there is anyone out there who knows this about me, but I HATE RACISM.  I hate that our American history is the definition of cruelty and genocide.  I hate that America's success is intertwined with suffering and exploitation of African Americans and Native Americans.  I hate that people today refuse to look around them and see just how current the issue of racism is in our society.  I hate that people don't want to take the time to listen to the other side of the story.  I hate that people think racist jokes are funny.  I hate that the only way people believe cruelty and racism still exist is if they see a video and even still America wants to believe that it is the exception to the rule and not the rule.  I hate that a high school boy in a hooded sweatshirt on his way home from the corner market for iced tea for himself and skittles for his step brother can be shot because racial profiling is so widely accepted and has been for so long.  I hate that my friend crosses the street if he sees a lady walking alone because he knows how afraid she is of him.  I hate that people a symptom and call it the disease instead of spending a little time and hard work to find the true cause of the disease.  I hate that I see people I love hurt every day by an America who refuses to acknowledge anything is wrong.  

   I apologize for my rant.  Actually, no I don't.  It's just that the more I learn the more heartsick I become to find how racism is still so alive and well.  I just learned about the sterilization practices on non-consenting patients being targeted particularly at Hispanic and Black minorities as well as the "mentally deficient" in the last 100 years.  The statistics made me sick to my stomach.  And yet we are so self righteous in condemning the Nazis.  If you are even now justifying these practices because of your own racist mindsets or denying that there is a problem, congratulations, you are what's wrong with  the world today.  

Week 5

Things I did wrong this week:

 - underestimated how much time it would take to finish a paper on Sunday.  Result: I turned in a memo I am not even close to proud of.

 - I made my boyfriend go get me an ice cream bar at about 11:00 PM. I literally begged him.  Result: Shame and cellulite.

 - Didn't fully read my homework assignment for contracts.  Result: Didn't finish reading the last case before class and further resulted in me using the time I had planned on reading my criminal law reading, thus not completing that either.

 - Set my alarm for 6:00 AM.  Woke up at 8:45 AM.  Don't ask me how, it's a total mystery. Result: Missed class for Torts.

 - Haven't worked out once. Result: Need I tell you?

 - I ate pop tarts for dinner last night. Result:  So much shame.

Is this week over?  I'd like to put it behind me and forget it ever happened.

Life as a 1L

I realize I have been terrible since I started law school.  So here I am trying to play a little catch up (story of every aspect of my life right now).  I am in the 4th week as a 1L.  I am not sure why they call it that but it means first year law student.  I am not going to lie, it is so challenging, to the point that I daily think to myself, "I don't think I am smart enough for this.  It took me 10 years to get through undergrad and I barely did that!"  I have no friends and I am pretty sure I am not really going to make any.  It is hard to explain the culture in law school.  All the people who got there have this "best of the best" mentality and the woman all act like they have something to prove.  Let's be honest, I have nothing to prove, accept maybe to myself?  But I am no stranger to being the loner and not being liked. I can handle that.  I am sure eventually I will find a few folks who don't mind me.  If not, I will bribe some with beer.  That seems to be what everybody likes to do in law school: study and drink.

So it's challenging and lonely but I will be honest, I love learning about the law.  I always have.  It's kind of why I went.  So when I am sitting there for the 10th consecutive hour reading a case about a guy who doesn't have to be held liable for his paramour's suicide because she isn't his wife, I am fascinated.  I find it all so interesting and I am just trying so hard to keep all this information in my exhausted little brain.  I like it.  I wouldn't rather be anywhere else or doing anything else.  Then of course I close my book and realize it is 9:30 and I have about an hour to hang out with Amir before I have to pass out and he has been patiently finding other things to do so as not to bother me.  That's another new thing.  I have a boyfriend.  And he is so sweet and extremely understanding and he has been so supportive.  I was thinking on my drive home from school today, "He makes me feel like my life isn't too much for me to handle."  That is enough of the sappy nonsense.

All in all, my life is completely different than it was a couple months ago.  I got a new job (10 hours a week), I have a boyfriend, I have my own apartment, I live in Seattle, and I am a law student at the age of 29.  Gotta be honest, I kinda like my new life.  It's a major adjustment for a girl who doesn't like change and made herself sick worrying about it.  In the end (not that this is anywhere near the end) I am pleased with all my decisions and happy to be living my dreams. :)

Feeling Inadequate

I feel like I am 13 years old, standing at the foot of Mt. Rainier with no training, no food, and wearing Keds.   I don’t even want to expand on that.  That is just how I feel right now.  

Let the Games Begin!

I started law school this week.  It hit me like a pile of books, like a $1,055.00 pile of books.  That is a terrible feeling.  I could buy an entire bookshelf of books for that price.  And if I went to my favorite used bookstore with my little sister, I could buy a whole wall of books for that price.

Anywho, I know people are curious about how it's going and I finished my homework 15 minutes before class so I thought I will fill you all in for 5.  I can say that I have survived week 1 (well, it'll be over in 2 hours) without making a total fool of myself.  I have read all my assigned readings, learned to brief, and briefed all my cases.  So in the end, it was a successful.  I like my teachers.  I don't have a single white male teacher.  :)

Interesting story:  First day of my Contracts class, the professor called one name on the list and spent the next hour grilling that poor girl on the case we were supposed to have read.  Poor thing.  She did great, but it terrified us all.  That is what they call the "hot seat" at law school.  Let the games begin.  May the odds be ever in my favor. :)

More fun, I have to move this weekend and still get a boatload of homework done so I will probably not be blogging anytime too soon.

All In

           I try not to use a lot of religious jargon in my blog because I often find it unauthentic, not genuine, and ultimately annoying.  I would rather people know the person that I am, ugly as that is at times, than the person I would like to be.  Something that I heard in a sermon many years ago has been going through my mind over and over again.  I am not going to credit the quote because most will discredit the quote as that man has destroyed his reputation.

            The man said “When going through hell, don’t stop.”  This phrase quickly became just another overused Christian cliché in our church so I guess it got in my head pretty deep because it has been rising to the surface of my mind often lately.  I feel like the last 9 months of my life have truly been hell.  I have had my heart broken pretty tough, worked for the most demanding and frustrating boss I have ever met, gone through the grueling (and expensive) process of law school application, and since I have been accepted, every single aspect of getting to law school has been met with challenges and struggles.  Nothing has been easy.  Even this moment, I am feeling like there is a great possibility that something will go wrong, and I won’t be going.  It has been very hard and very lonely.  The support and encouragement I have received in this process has been little and come form the most unexpected places.  All at the same time I feel so hurt and angered by the people I expected to be there for me as I have always been there for them and so blessed by the amazing people God has recently placed in my life that I didn’t expect to be so amazing. 

             I have chosen to go to Seattle University School of Law and today I cancelled my loans (that I worked so hard to get in the first place!) so that my financial aid award can be processed through SU and I am anxious!  I have been apartment hunting which I enjoy about as much as a root canal.  But at this point, I am all in.  I have put everything I have into this (and that’s before it has even started!) and I am just waiting to see where the chips fall.  I just hope it has not been all for not.