Fight or Flight

Fight or flight?  Normally, I lean toward fight.  (Except in relationships)  But I have never in my life wanted to quit my job, sell my things and just make a new life somewhere (anywhere) like I do right now.  I don’t know what it is but I feel tied down and trapped this week and I just want all of it to disappear.  I feel like a little girl who closes her eyes trying to get away from reality…”dear God, make me a bird so I can fly far far away…”  I don’t really know why.  On my ride in today I was daydreaming about it and wondering if it was normal to have a midlife crisis at 29? 

I should stop my whining; things in my life are fine.  I finally have a job that pays the bills.  I have cheap rent and nice roommates.  My family has not yet disowned me (I know, I am on borrowed time there).   I sure hope this vacation to Nashville/Florida cures me because I am one bad day away from quitting my job and becoming a penniless traveler that may end up anywhere. 

Books

When I was a kid, I was a firm believer that books were for nerds.  Cool kids played outside and made fun of kids that spent their days reading.  Both my sisters were my definition of "nerds."  They could spend hours in used bookstores just looking (and smelling) books.  Then I read a book in high school that I actually enjoyed (Ivanhoe) and my life has never been the same since.  I read a lot.  I still don' think I read as much as them but I LOVE to read.  I love to learn and the best way to learn is to read.  My boss still doesn't believe that I actually read everything assigned in college.  I think there are two or three books on my shelves that I have guilt because I don't remember finishing them.  If I run out of books to read at home, I have to go over to Little Sister's house and borrow something.  I guess eventually I just accepted that I was born into a family of nerds.  Why fight it?  But I wouldn't say my outdoor fort building days are over.  I think I could get a lot of reading done here!  : )

For the (Biblical) Record

So I have seen the following quote pasted on people’s (particularly girls’) facebook several times now:

“To all the girls who are in a hurry to have a boyfriend or get married, a piece of Biblical advice: "Ruth patiently waited for her mate Boaz." While you are waiting on YOUR Boaz, don't settle for any of his relatives; Broke-az, Po-az, Lyin-az, Cheatin-az, Dumb-az, Drunk-az, Cheap-az, Lockedup-az, , Goodfornothin-az, Lazy-az, and especially his third cousin Beatinyo-az. Wait on your Boaz and make sure he respects Yoaz....”

While I can appreciate the humor of this, I can’t help but feel that it is very important that misunderstandings regarding the bible be cleared up.  I don’t want to embarrass any of the girls who posted it but I just feel the record should be set straight.  Ruth did not “patiently wait” for Boaz.  Ruth was married.  Her husband died so she followed her mother-in-law (whose husband had also died Ruth 1:1-5) back to Naomi’s family.  Then Ruth worked for him a while.  Then, she went in to his room (uninvited) and laid at the foot of his bed (well, "threshing floor" but where he slept nonetheless Ruth 3:6-9).  It was actually super scandalous and so far from “patiently waiting.”  Also I think that it is ironic that it says the biblical advice is not to “settle for any of his relatives” since Ruth’s husband was, in fact, Boaz’s relative. 

           Well I feel better, don’t you?  Moral to the story: even the bible has a whole lot of different ways to form relationships.  People try to make a follow and obey program that works but really, it is just a married person thinking that what worked for them will work for everyone.  Not the case my friend.  And remember when it comes to the bible…GET YOUR FACTS STRAIGHT!          

           Shout out to my Dad.

Monday (FML)

This is Larry's outbox, which is basically my inbox.  That means that since I left on Friday, this is all the work he has created for me to do.  This is one of those days where I remind myself that it would be good for me to check for better job listings regularly.

Forever

I am sorry I haven’t blogged more recently.  I have been so busy at work that when I have tried, I got about a sentence down and that was it.  This weekend was beautiful but it was a hard weekend for me.  I have struggled with relationships (the romantic kind) for a very long time now.  I am very bad at gauging fight or flight.  I just always fight.  I am serious.  I have been in some relationships that have been not so good for me and with men who have been not so good to me.  But who I am and who I have always been, is someone who just sees the best and quickly forgets the worst.  It sounds like a great characteristic right?  Well it is also the same characteristic that keeps women in abusive relationships.  It makes women appear weak and stupid (the two characteristics I hate most). 

             It is a long story with me and this predicament yet I am just no more the wiser than I was at 21 when I met my first boyfriend.  So my response to people is that I am happy on my own and feel safer single.  Marriage is just not for me.  I am sickened by all the cute pictures of trendy young couples that flaunt there “love” for each other.  I can’t help but think in the back of my mind that they have no idea what they are getting themselves into.  They are naïve.  I wish them the best of luck. 

            Sometimes I think that it is just “in the stars” for some people to be lucky in love but that has just not been my fate.  Any time anyone says anything to the effect that there is a prince charming out there for me or my perfect mate literally angers me.  I want to ask them if they are a psychic or if they are just accidentally word vomiting into my life. 

             I know this seems cynical to you and sorry if it does.  The point of all this is that I was catching up on Little Sister’s blog today and I saw this picture and my eyes filled with tears. 

            I don’t know what it is about a couple that has loved each other for so many years that reaches my insides.  Maybe it is because deep down it is what I want or at least what I used to want.  The truth is, I think I could love someone forever, or at least I could have.

Labor Day

I had a really great weekend.  Saturday was a practical day in which I got (almost) everything put away in my new room and settled in.  Sunday, I got an early text from my roommate, Desiree, asking if I wanted to go out on the boat with her and some friends.  I thought about the offer for a good long time (approximately 2 seconds) and started getting ready.  We lounged by her friend’s pool with some fruity drinks for about 2 hours and then we went out in the boat and I tried wake surfing for my first time.  Of course I failed miserably and half of the lake went up my nose but I had a great time.  Then I watched a movie that night and made it to bed early.  I had expected to have to work Monday but my boss never called so I cleaned the house, did some laundry, went grocery shopping and got a little more time in the sun.  Then I was a part of my first “family dinner.”  That is what they call it when Chante and her family comes over and we all have dinner together.  Which was nice and then I was in bed before 10.  SO there you have is a fun-filled, relaxing and productive weekend.

Therapy

I know right?  2 posts in one day?  Calm down, I am not going to start posting 10 a day like Little Sister.  I just felt like I had more to say about everything than just to report some good news.  The truth is, I am full of mixed emotions at the moment.  And those emotions are a bit extreme.  On one hand the amount of happiness and relief that things are finally going to get easier instead of one hardship after another (financially) is inexplicable.  Also, my increased energy level may seem like a small thing to most people but I am telling you that the exhaustion I have been fighting (and quite frankly losing) for the last 5 years is so much worse than people understand.  Working full time and going to school full time is hard work.  But trying to do that with chronic mono, it got more difficult to succeed every single quarter.  I thought after it was over I would be able to recover since working one full time job seemed like a piece of cake by comparison.  But I have not recovered.  In fact, I feel more tired all the time. 

The whole thing changed me.  I don’t think the changes were all bad but I have been living in survival mode.  A lot of my love for life has dissipated.  I barely have enough energy to make it through my work day and then I spend the remaining part of my life resting, hoping to catch up and regain my energy.  I am not trying to give anyone a sob story here.  The truth is, I never really thought too much about it.  I have just been realizing in the last couple months how much it has all changed me.  I don’t spend time with friends.  I don’t dance.  I have a hard time running.  The idea of having the energy to do things I enjoy or have fun with friends after I get off work and on the weekends is crazy but so exciting to me.

On the other side of the emotional pendulum, I am afraid to get excited about good things.  I have taken some devastating blows, one right after another and it is hard for me to imagine that things could just keep getting better.  Between the car accident, the medical bills, not getting accepted into law school, relationship failures, and my diminishing health, I just deal with one frustrating situation after another as best I can.   But I don’t want that to be my life anymore.  I want all the hard work to pay off.  I want all my dreams to come true, shit I just want to have dreams again.   I want better. 

Right now, things are getting better!  I am feeling my energy increase and immediately I am starting to make plans and dream again.  I am working on a schedule for the law school application enrollment deadlines and LSAT study schedule.  I have already planned a vacation to see my brother and sister.  All the change is making me feel really uncomfortable and even scared (because the only thing I seem to be more afraid of than failure is success.  I think because I am afraid of feeling successful and then failing.  I think.  Not sure.  No any good therapists?), but it is all really exciting as well! 

Well that was your little window into my confusing and anxious insides for today.  I hope your dreams come true too. J