Trapped!!!!!!!!

So one great thing about working with Larry Linville is that I never know when I wake up in the morning how my day will turn out. Today, Larry decided that he was going to take Stephanie and I out to lunch and then buy me hiking boots at REI. Of all the things to spend my money on, hiking boots is certainly at the bottom of my list, but now that I have them and I am SO EXCITED. After buying me boots, Larry took Stephanie and I to lunch. The sun was shining and it was a little bit warm and I started thinking about hiking as we sat down to our favorite crepe shop in Pike Place Market. As I was talking to Larry and Stephanie about my new years resolution (which was that I was going to rest and save money all winter long and then have the best summer of my life) I started thinking about all the fun things Katrina and I have talked about doing this summer. Then I started thinking about how I have worked a minimum of 40 hours a week since I was 16 years old (maybe 17?). And I have been busting my @$$ to get through school for the last 10 years. Last summer, I pretty much worked about 45 hours a week and slept all the rest. This summer is going to be "epic" (am I too old to use that word? Thought I'd try it). But this realization was so overwhelming that I felt like I needed to start immediately. I didn't want to go back to work. I wanted to hike or take little sister long boarding or put on a dress and go dance to live music in the sunshine. Now I feel trapped in this office. Anyone who knows me knows I HATE FEELING TRAPPED. I need to be free!

Attitude Adjustment

My boss goes to Maui twice a year for 6-8 weeks at a time. The first time he went it was, in a way, more stressful than having him here because communication is difficult and I was constantly re-sending him things I had done. It was frustrating to say the least. This time, we settled in to a pretty nice little routine, I have still been working lots of hours and working hard but it has been a little more peaceful. Tonight he comes back. Don't get me wrong, I really like my crazy, autistic boss. But dealing with him requires thick skin and tons of patience. So I have been telling myself that I have 24 hours to have a major attitude adjustment. You see, my personal life has been really draining the last 6 weeks that he has been gone so it has been the grace of God he hasn't been here, it may have been too much to handle. I have experiencing what the doctors have called a "flare up" of the chronic Epstein barr I have never been able to shake from my system. I have been enduring some financial hardships and I have been attempting to have a relationship (which never works out well for me). So there it is. So in order to survive (literally) I have to lay all of my anxieties down and just hope for the best in all those situations. Because despite regular lectures of how I should be more responsible or I should sleep more and take better care of myself , etc. There is absolutely nothing more I can do. I do EVERYTHING I can to make my life better and I just can't do anything else. So here's hopin'!

Hope

Hope has been a common topic in my conversations lately and I have been feeling like maybe I should spend some time grasping at what it means. Here are a few definitions I found on Dictionary.com: "the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best" "a person or thing in which expectations are centered" "to look forward to with desire and reasonable confidence" " to believe, desire, or trust" Then I read Wikipedia on Hope, which while interesting, made me think more about the "wiki" in wikipedia. Truth is, hope seems a bit dangerous and if nothing else, it has become unfamiliar territory to most. Even Obama changed his campaign slogan because Hope didn't seem to win him many votes. What is hope and why is it so important? And why does it keep coming up in my life lately? These are a few of the images that came up when I google seearched hope (which I would not suggest as apparently there are a lot of naughty girls named Hope out there.) The pictures spoke to me a little more than the words. The first picture tells me that hope is believing that life lost can be regained. It expresses the reality that the hard times of fruitlessness do not always mean you are a bad tree, sometimes it just means you are a tree. The fruit will come when it is suppoed to. The second image is wordplay, but encouraging wordplay. : ) I have no answers really just some ideas. I am just jotting down some encouraging thoughts that at least helped me get through this day. Maybe there is something new to learn tomorrow.

Who am I

I have been thinking a lot lately about how we as people relate to ourselves and define ourselves. More specifically, how we can look back at certain times of our lives and say things like "I am not who I was". Sometimes it is because we have changed and grown and become more of the person we want to be. Often times, it is because life's trials have broken us and have left deep scars. Even more often, it is a little of both. I have never wanted to be someone who had regrets or made mistakes. But to quote a great movie, "Well you're in the wrong species love. You should have been a dog."
On one hand I have fought to become who I am. On the other hand, I have let life break my heart, discourage me and harden me without a fight. It is in the midst of pain that I have changed the most, for better and for worse. i just don't want to look back and regret that I am not who I was. I can look back and wish I was skinny or wish I had no wrinkles and perky boobs but who I really am, I want that to be someone I am more proud of every day. I want to own my identity. I want to look back and say that I am so glad those things have changed and theat I am so glad God brought me through that or healed that. LEt that be true of me.

Sick & Tired of Being Sick & Tired

Last week I woke up with swollen, painful, infected tonsils and glands. I figured I must have gotten strep throat. So I went to the doctor to get a prescription in order to recover as quickly as possible so my loving boss would not have an axiety attack. I went to the doctor and after waiting 3 1/2 hours to be seen, they said I have all the symptoms of strep but the test came back negative. They said it is most likely a chronic flare up of mono. F*&$*$()#*$&(*!!!!! Anyone who knows me knows that this has been something I have been struggling with four about 6 years now. I try to take care of myself. I make sure I get 8 hours of sleep every night, and I take vitamins to maintain my health but the mono is always active in my system.

The last couple months I have had some pain and discomfort in my stomach and I didn't know what was causing it but now it makes sense, one of the symptoms of a chronic flare up of mono is an enlarged liver and an enlarged spleen. Awesome. So I am going to try going to bed at 8 every night for a while and not work overtime (if possible). I am going to eat fruits, vegetables, and drink a lot of water and tea. I think the most frustrating thing is that I was training for the St. Patrick's Day run (which I was in bed for) and I was trying so hard to get back in shape in spite of my back and neck pain. Fail.

I really just want this to go away. I don't have 6 months to lay in bed and do nothing to make it go away but I really don't just want to live my life with it anymore. I WANT MY LIFE BACK! I want to have energy to do fun things with friends after work. I want the energy to go hike on the weekends. I want to be able to exercise without having to take multiple advils and an ice pack to bed with me. UGGH!! I am so tired of feeling this way. I want to live!

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Communication

I am finding that while I have the ability to communicate my thoughts clearly, I am really bad at communicating...still. My whole life, I have clammed up when in emotional situations. If I get frustrated, angry, hurt, or any other deep emotion, I suddenly cannot speak. I have never been able to overcome this issue. Days later, when I am no longer in the heat of the moment, I can formulate my thoughts and explain exactly what I think or feel on the situation, but never in the moment. On one occasion, when I was in Master's Commission, I received 8 hours of Monday club from my house parents (this was after weeks of Monday club from my house parents). To add insult to injury, when they asked my plans for the weekend and I told them I had Monday club all day on Monday, they asked me why I had Monday club. I told them they gave it to me. It turns out they didn't realize "needs improvement" meant I got Monday club, they just felt we can always improve. I was so frustrated and I told my intern and she told me I still had to serve to teach me that I need to learn to communicate. Well guess what...apparently I never did. Now, I am finding the problem is much worse in relationships. I never communicate what I am thinking or feeling or even respond when someone else is communicating their feelings and thoughts. It is a problem. I just can't seem to fix it. I have a horoscope taped to my monitor that my coworker printed out for me (she prints them out for us every week. lol) that says "If you've been lazy about articulating your meaning or needs, then please activate your deeper intelligence." I just don't know how to overcome this. Why am I so afraid to speak? Any words of wisdom out there on how to beat this?