Sometimes I wish I wasn't a strong woman. Sometimes I think I am not a strong woman and I will break, or that maybe I already have.
In church when the pastor spoke on Holy women, he said, "You are not a strong woman if you are weak for a man." I have been thinking about that a lot lately.
Sometimes I think that being a strong woman means I am destined to have to put up with a lot of b.s. and heartbreak just because apparently I can. but the more i go through, the stronger I get.
Being a strong woman makes some men want to break you down and weak women despise you.
Being a strong woman is like being a large boulder. It quietly weathers everything and nobody notices its value and necessity until it is gone. And people never want a boulder, they never desire its beauty, people only realize thier need and dependence on it, so they want it back only to serve its purpose.
Sometimes I wish I was not such a strong woman.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Beloved By God
I have been reading Abba’s Child since the beginning of the year. That is longer than it has taken me to read any book in years. The book is not long or difficult. I think I could have read it in a day if I had wanted to but I really wanted this book to speak to me. I really wanted this book to change my life or inspire me. But I just kept praying and reading chapters over and over thinking maybe it just needed to sink in. I found it too spiritual and not that grounded. I am not a big fan of “feel good” Christianity. I don’t care if it sounds good if it does not practically make sense.
However, there is one small section of the book that I have read over and over because I think it genuinely was feeding a starved part of my spirit. The book is not in front of me so I cannot directly quote it but it was something to the effect of, if you want to be radical, define yourself as beloved by God.
That thought has continued to pass through my mind. I have thought about my view of myself and all of my failures, shortcomings, and mistakes. And I started repenting. I have done a lot of repenting in the last two months. I have also read a lot of scripture. I have specifically read in the New Testament about the saint and about the disciples but more than anything, I have read about Jesus’ interactions with the women in the New Testament. He did not treat any woman by her history. He treated them as Beloved. And his interactions and words to them have been propelling the idea of how radical choosing to define yourself as beloved may be.
Last weekend, something horrible happened and someone said some horrible things about me. My character was completely attacked. My shame and guilt were thrown in my face and I was devastated. I spent the weekend in true repentance that I had not remained above reproach. Then I went to church the next day. For the first time in about 10 years, I felt comfortable and could hear the Lord speak to me in a church. The message was on Holy Women and I even went up for prayer. I know that the Lord forgave and delivered me in that moment and I know that the Lord was speaking directly to me in that message. It was a gentle conviction of the woman I am called to be but I have forgotten. And every couple hours since then, the same thought runs through my mind, define yourself as beloved by God. Honestly, just thinking about it is changing me so what if I actually could do it?
However, there is one small section of the book that I have read over and over because I think it genuinely was feeding a starved part of my spirit. The book is not in front of me so I cannot directly quote it but it was something to the effect of, if you want to be radical, define yourself as beloved by God.
That thought has continued to pass through my mind. I have thought about my view of myself and all of my failures, shortcomings, and mistakes. And I started repenting. I have done a lot of repenting in the last two months. I have also read a lot of scripture. I have specifically read in the New Testament about the saint and about the disciples but more than anything, I have read about Jesus’ interactions with the women in the New Testament. He did not treat any woman by her history. He treated them as Beloved. And his interactions and words to them have been propelling the idea of how radical choosing to define yourself as beloved may be.
Last weekend, something horrible happened and someone said some horrible things about me. My character was completely attacked. My shame and guilt were thrown in my face and I was devastated. I spent the weekend in true repentance that I had not remained above reproach. Then I went to church the next day. For the first time in about 10 years, I felt comfortable and could hear the Lord speak to me in a church. The message was on Holy Women and I even went up for prayer. I know that the Lord forgave and delivered me in that moment and I know that the Lord was speaking directly to me in that message. It was a gentle conviction of the woman I am called to be but I have forgotten. And every couple hours since then, the same thought runs through my mind, define yourself as beloved by God. Honestly, just thinking about it is changing me so what if I actually could do it?
Friday, February 11, 2011
Faith
So I was thinking the other day about law school and how it has been about 8 months since I have taken any steps to get there. I guess it is kind of hard for me to want to start that process all over again. After pending 6 months of hard work (on top of full time work and school) as well as over $2,000.00 on law school applications, only to be denied by each school, I have found it a bit hard to muster the courage to dust myself off and get back on that horse. But I know I have to do it. I think I have been feeling quite lost the last few months. Nothing in my life has turned out how I hoped or planned. I feel I have been fighting all the same battles. I kind of feel like the Israelites must have felt 28 years into their 40 years of wandering in the dessert: purposeless and ready to let go of hope for fear hope being deferred any longer. I am not saying I am ungrateful for the blessings I have received this year but honestly, nothing has turned out how I hoped for or planned on.
So, back to law school (which I hoped and planned to be done with 3 years ago), I was thinking about what steps I should be taking right now in order to get my applications in early enough to stand a chance. I decided I should be writing my essay. So then I got totally overwhelmed, again. The idea of convincing these people to give me this special opportunity that thousands of other applicants want as a white, middle class woman with no money and mediocre grades is quite a feat. Actually it makes me want to cry. I was racking my brain trying to think of what the focus of my essay should be. And it hit me: Faith. Not only is it my passion, and my identity, it is my story. I am 28 years old and still chasing the same dream because I know it is my destiny even if my path has taken me on a million different detours and brought me to face to face with unfathomable obstacles. Now I still have the same challenge ahead of me in writing my essay and preparing my applications but at least I have a little inspiration and it is always helpful to remember who I am when trying to fight for my dreams.
So, back to law school (which I hoped and planned to be done with 3 years ago), I was thinking about what steps I should be taking right now in order to get my applications in early enough to stand a chance. I decided I should be writing my essay. So then I got totally overwhelmed, again. The idea of convincing these people to give me this special opportunity that thousands of other applicants want as a white, middle class woman with no money and mediocre grades is quite a feat. Actually it makes me want to cry. I was racking my brain trying to think of what the focus of my essay should be. And it hit me: Faith. Not only is it my passion, and my identity, it is my story. I am 28 years old and still chasing the same dream because I know it is my destiny even if my path has taken me on a million different detours and brought me to face to face with unfathomable obstacles. Now I still have the same challenge ahead of me in writing my essay and preparing my applications but at least I have a little inspiration and it is always helpful to remember who I am when trying to fight for my dreams.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
The Direction of My Dreams
So a long time ago I concluded that getting married when you are young can be beneficial because you are able to "grow together" in a sense. As long as your relationship has the freedom to let you grow. I have felt for a long time that the older you get, the more you become set in your ways and independent. I think in a way it has put a little extra pressure on me (as if anyone in this society needs any more pressure to take the plunge) to marry before it's too late. lol. Not that I think I have an "expiration date" but because I have been so independent and strong minded since I was a child that finding a man who is strong enough to handle me and patient enough to want to handle me has always seems a bit unlikely. I began to feel that with every passing life experience or class I took or book I read, I was becoming more intimidating and future with someone was becoming more unattainable.
All that said, I have been reading Abba's Child this week by Brennan Manning and I have been thinking a lot about the ability to be alone. I am extremely comfortable in my own skin and I could spend hours alone. I don't need to fill up my time with people and activities to fill some need inside me or to avoid some demon I don't want to face. I had a realization on the bus yesterday morning that I should be very proud of that. It means the Lord has made me whole (of course not completely). I remember the days when the Lord challenged me to spend more time alone and less with friends and I felt like I was giving up something I was addicted to. I went through withdrawals, I was cranky and felt needy. It was hard.
The conclusion that I am coming to in all of this is that I realized that who I am is nothing to be concerned about. I have learned life lessons and grown in ways that any man should be thrilled. I have not sat around waiting to bond myself to someone and he will have to deal with all my immaturity and baggage. I am a mature woman in many regards (though I do have a little baggage : ). The Lord has brought me through all the trials and tribulations that I have gone through for a reason. And he has caused me to be alone this long for a reason. And I am moving in the direction of the dreams He gave me only to be moving further away from other dreams he has given me. It is social anxiety that has nothing to do with truth. And quite frankly, I feel quite a burden lifted!
All that said, I have been reading Abba's Child this week by Brennan Manning and I have been thinking a lot about the ability to be alone. I am extremely comfortable in my own skin and I could spend hours alone. I don't need to fill up my time with people and activities to fill some need inside me or to avoid some demon I don't want to face. I had a realization on the bus yesterday morning that I should be very proud of that. It means the Lord has made me whole (of course not completely). I remember the days when the Lord challenged me to spend more time alone and less with friends and I felt like I was giving up something I was addicted to. I went through withdrawals, I was cranky and felt needy. It was hard.
The conclusion that I am coming to in all of this is that I realized that who I am is nothing to be concerned about. I have learned life lessons and grown in ways that any man should be thrilled. I have not sat around waiting to bond myself to someone and he will have to deal with all my immaturity and baggage. I am a mature woman in many regards (though I do have a little baggage : ). The Lord has brought me through all the trials and tribulations that I have gone through for a reason. And he has caused me to be alone this long for a reason. And I am moving in the direction of the dreams He gave me only to be moving further away from other dreams he has given me. It is social anxiety that has nothing to do with truth. And quite frankly, I feel quite a burden lifted!
Monday, January 10, 2011
The Life I've Always Wanted!
I realized this weekend that I am living the life I have always wanted! I tend to get so caught up in the daily challenges and struggles that I forget the bigger picture. But honestly, I am living in a beautiful apartment that I love, I have a sexy car that I love, I have a good job that is in the field that I am crazy passionate about (well law, not necessarily construction law), I have the funds to make all of this possible, I have amazing friends and the best family, I am (mostly) healthy, and I am happy! Sure I have planty of dreams and desires yet to be achieved and fulfilled but the journey is half the fun! I am so grateful for this stage of my life! I get to do all the things I love, I have time to read (whatever I want), longboard, run, bike, hike, do yoga, cook, watch movies, and all in the same week if I want to! I can see my friends. I can laugh and joke at dinners with my family. I can spend time alone. What other time in my life have I had that kind of freedom? I haven't. And who knows when I will have it again? Thank you Lord for this season of my life! I am not going to waste it focusing on the dreams that have yet to be realized or the goals I have yet to accomplish. I AM GOING TO PLAY!!!
Sunday, January 2, 2011
2011
I have been wanting to make some intentional decisions about 2011. I don't care much for the term "New Years Resolutions" because not only do those rarely get kept but also because I have found in my life that when you make decisions about what you want in life, God tends to be faithful to bring the opportunities for change and growth without you even realizing. It is more about hope than it is about me and my decisions to change.
I want to let go of the past. I have been through a lot in the area of relationships and I have suffered some deep betrayals. I have a long journey ahead of me in the areas of wanting to open my heart again and learning to trust. I don't think it will do anybody any good if I wait around for the "perfect man" to come along and help me heal. I think I have to face some demons and let God heal those places of my heart that nobody else understand. So this year I want a clean start for my heart.
This year I want to be more faithful with my money. I have struggled financially for several years now for one reason or another. I have a good job but I also have a lot of expenses. I want to learn to budget, I pray that God will provide for my needs, and I really want to pay off my credit cards by the end of this year.
I want to be more healthy this year. this is the area of conscious decisions. I want to exercise more, drink more water, run again and rest as much as my body tells me it needs me to.
Finally, this year, I want to apply for law school again (and God willing get in!). It is a long, hard process and a little overwhelming when you are working 40-50 hours a week at a job that really requires my all but I will grow stagnant if I am not making strides in the direction of my dreams. And I turn into a very unhappy, unpleasant person when I get stagnant. : )
So there it is. My hopes, dreams and decisions for 2011. Lord I pray to you over these desires of my heart. I pray your blessing over them and I think your faithfulness to me in my life. You have always been faithful to me and I pray that you teach me this year how to be more faithful to you.
I want to let go of the past. I have been through a lot in the area of relationships and I have suffered some deep betrayals. I have a long journey ahead of me in the areas of wanting to open my heart again and learning to trust. I don't think it will do anybody any good if I wait around for the "perfect man" to come along and help me heal. I think I have to face some demons and let God heal those places of my heart that nobody else understand. So this year I want a clean start for my heart.
This year I want to be more faithful with my money. I have struggled financially for several years now for one reason or another. I have a good job but I also have a lot of expenses. I want to learn to budget, I pray that God will provide for my needs, and I really want to pay off my credit cards by the end of this year.
I want to be more healthy this year. this is the area of conscious decisions. I want to exercise more, drink more water, run again and rest as much as my body tells me it needs me to.
Finally, this year, I want to apply for law school again (and God willing get in!). It is a long, hard process and a little overwhelming when you are working 40-50 hours a week at a job that really requires my all but I will grow stagnant if I am not making strides in the direction of my dreams. And I turn into a very unhappy, unpleasant person when I get stagnant. : )
So there it is. My hopes, dreams and decisions for 2011. Lord I pray to you over these desires of my heart. I pray your blessing over them and I think your faithfulness to me in my life. You have always been faithful to me and I pray that you teach me this year how to be more faithful to you.
2010
I know it's cliche but I am going to do it anyway. 2010 holds a lot of meaning for me. I accomplished goals I had been pursuing for many years (many many). I graduated college after 10 years. And after 4 years of major sacrifices that hurt my pride, 2010 held release and change. I moved back out on my own and got to have a "big girl" job again. I am back in the field of my dreams. It was a pretty good year.
In the last several months I have continued to find myself saying how different I am and how different I feel. It is not the kind of change I have intentionally made. You know the changes that feel forced? You want to be something and so you start acting that way even though it feels unnatural. This is like when you look in the mirror one day and realize you are no longer the little girl you once were an often still think of yourself as. This year I realized just how much change my obedience in the last 5 years has created in me. My relationship with my family has deepened. My circle of amazing friends has broadened. I have grown stronger, more patient, more focused and even more clean. I am pretty happy about most of the changes I have noticed in 2010. I am thankful for everything God did in me leading up to and during 2010.
However, there were also some very dark and difficult aspects of 2010. 2010 was a year of heartbreak and daunting loneliness for me. I loved and I lost. I tried and I failed. I took risks and I suffered the unknown consequences. While my heart is wounded and it may take some time to heal, I believe I have learned a lot about myself and was faced with some of my own weaknesses and fears.
So I think if I had to sum 2010 up in a few words i would say it was a year of successes, heartbreak and self realization. Thank you Lord for everything you did in, through, and for me in 2010.
In the last several months I have continued to find myself saying how different I am and how different I feel. It is not the kind of change I have intentionally made. You know the changes that feel forced? You want to be something and so you start acting that way even though it feels unnatural. This is like when you look in the mirror one day and realize you are no longer the little girl you once were an often still think of yourself as. This year I realized just how much change my obedience in the last 5 years has created in me. My relationship with my family has deepened. My circle of amazing friends has broadened. I have grown stronger, more patient, more focused and even more clean. I am pretty happy about most of the changes I have noticed in 2010. I am thankful for everything God did in me leading up to and during 2010.
However, there were also some very dark and difficult aspects of 2010. 2010 was a year of heartbreak and daunting loneliness for me. I loved and I lost. I tried and I failed. I took risks and I suffered the unknown consequences. While my heart is wounded and it may take some time to heal, I believe I have learned a lot about myself and was faced with some of my own weaknesses and fears.
So I think if I had to sum 2010 up in a few words i would say it was a year of successes, heartbreak and self realization. Thank you Lord for everything you did in, through, and for me in 2010.
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