2011

I have been wanting to make some intentional decisions about 2011. I don't care much for the term "New Years Resolutions" because not only do those rarely get kept but also because I have found in my life that when you make decisions about what you want in life, God tends to be faithful to bring the opportunities for change and growth without you even realizing. It is more about hope than it is about me and my decisions to change.

I want to let go of the past. I have been through a lot in the area of relationships and I have suffered some deep betrayals. I have a long journey ahead of me in the areas of wanting to open my heart again and learning to trust. I don't think it will do anybody any good if I wait around for the "perfect man" to come along and help me heal. I think I have to face some demons and let God heal those places of my heart that nobody else understand. So this year I want a clean start for my heart.

This year I want to be more faithful with my money. I have struggled financially for several years now for one reason or another. I have a good job but I also have a lot of expenses. I want to learn to budget, I pray that God will provide for my needs, and I really want to pay off my credit cards by the end of this year.

I want to be more healthy this year. this is the area of conscious decisions. I want to exercise more, drink more water, run again and rest as much as my body tells me it needs me to.

Finally, this year, I want to apply for law school again (and God willing get in!). It is a long, hard process and a little overwhelming when you are working 40-50 hours a week at a job that really requires my all but I will grow stagnant if I am not making strides in the direction of my dreams. And I turn into a very unhappy, unpleasant person when I get stagnant. : )

So there it is. My hopes, dreams and decisions for 2011. Lord I pray to you over these desires of my heart. I pray your blessing over them and I think your faithfulness to me in my life. You have always been faithful to me and I pray that you teach me this year how to be more faithful to you.

2010

I know it's cliche but I am going to do it anyway. 2010 holds a lot of meaning for me. I accomplished goals I had been pursuing for many years (many many). I graduated college after 10 years. And after 4 years of major sacrifices that hurt my pride, 2010 held release and change. I moved back out on my own and got to have a "big girl" job again. I am back in the field of my dreams. It was a pretty good year.

In the last several months I have continued to find myself saying how different I am and how different I feel. It is not the kind of change I have intentionally made. You know the changes that feel forced? You want to be something and so you start acting that way even though it feels unnatural. This is like when you look in the mirror one day and realize you are no longer the little girl you once were an often still think of yourself as. This year I realized just how much change my obedience in the last 5 years has created in me. My relationship with my family has deepened. My circle of amazing friends has broadened. I have grown stronger, more patient, more focused and even more clean. I am pretty happy about most of the changes I have noticed in 2010. I am thankful for everything God did in me leading up to and during 2010.

However, there were also some very dark and difficult aspects of 2010. 2010 was a year of heartbreak and daunting loneliness for me. I loved and I lost. I tried and I failed. I took risks and I suffered the unknown consequences. While my heart is wounded and it may take some time to heal, I believe I have learned a lot about myself and was faced with some of my own weaknesses and fears.

So I think if I had to sum 2010 up in a few words i would say it was a year of successes, heartbreak and self realization. Thank you Lord for everything you did in, through, and for me in 2010.

Unstable

I think I am currently emotionally unstable. I was having a pretty good day today. I was staying positive and trying not to let the small stuff bother me (as I often have to do working in this law firm) and all of a sudden this afternoon a wave of sadness came over me that I just can't shake. I have pretty much been wavering between bursting into tears or melting into a fit of rage for the last month. Which of course has resulted in me working harder, more quietly and with short answers to the people I work with. : ( which I do feel bad about. So this week I have been attempting to pick my broken spirits up and try to let go of some of the anger. But of wourse when I do that, I realize how much sadness it was masking. So I have developed a new coping mechanism...solitaire. I found out my phone has solitaire and I have been playing it anytime I am not at work or sleeping (I even play it when a movie is on or I am with people) to keep the tears from coming. I really just don't want to be sad anymore. I can honeslty say that I have sepnt more of the last 7 years sad over some guy that broke my heart than I have been happy with some guy who will eventually break my heart. I just want to be fine now. I want to be fine with being alone, fine with the fact that the relationshps I have tried did not work out, fine with the possibility that perhaps I will always end up alone. I just want to be fine.

Sometime I Wish I wasn't so Afraid to Tell the Truth

Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
hurt myself again today
and the worst part is there's no one else to blame

be my friend, hold me
wrap me up, unfold me
I am small, I'm needy
warm me up and breathe me

Ouch, I have lost myself again
lost myself and I am nowhere to be found
Yeah, I think that I might break
Lost myself and I feel unsafe

be my friend, hold me
wrap me up, unfold me
I am small, I'm needy
warm me up and breathe me

be my friend, hold me
wrap me up, unfold me
I am small, I'm needy
warm me up and breathe me

Cranky

I am cranky today. Little sister and Stephanie have both said I am nasty today. I am irritated and frustrated and I don't really know why. I just like to be left alone when I am focused and that never happens here. There is always someone trying to talk to me and I have been trying so hard to get so much done this week, I have worked a lot of late nights and I am just getting annoyed I guess.

Or maybe it is how irritated I am by the fact that every man I have attempted to let in but screwed it up with me is contacting me this month. Why is it so easy to let me go as a girlfriend but not one of them will ever let go completely? Why does friends matter so much to these guys? I mean seriously. I don't really keep friends that break my heart. And I am still hurting a little over the fact that the one "good guy" I found just got scared because some stupid woman treated him bad and he took it out on me by not giving me a chance.

Or maybe it is the holidays. I have never really liked the holidays (particularly Christmas). The only thing I did like about them was buying gifts for my family and making them smile, I have not been able to really do even that the last few years and I feel SO ALONE during the holidays.

Or maybe it is being out of school too long. I will never forget something my mom said to me once. She said "Kristin you are stressed out when you are in school but you become downright cranky when you are not in school." (paraphrasing) lol. I had never been conscious of it but it is true. When I don't feel like I am moving in the direction of my dreams I get really frustrated. I have been out of school for almost a year and while I am enjoying my life, I am turning 28 in 2 weeks and the fact that I am not in law school bothers me. Especially since I work with a 29 year old attorney. Who has been practicing for about 5 years.

Maybe it is all of those things combined. Maybe it is that I have been living in my apartment for 4 months and I don't even have a couch! Who knows. I need a beer. Thank God it is Friday.

Things I Never Want to Hear Again

"I was the lucky one to have you." "I made a mistake." "I should never have pushed you away." "I am just not ready YET." "You are the one I want to marry, I am just not ready for you." "I still want to be friends." which is code for "I want to keep you close so I don't really lose you and I can still have you when I am ready." "You were perfect." "I don't deserve you." "I'll love you till the day I die (of course after they broke my heart and I have gotten over them)." "Please give me another chance." Uggh. It all makes me sick to my stomach. I have an idea, how about someone figure out that what they have is good while they have it and just not screw it up.

Love.

To me love is that feeling inside that fills your chest so full with excitement that you feel your frame is too small to contain it.

To me love is when you wake up from a deep sleep because you are being held so tight you can feel the fear to lose you.

To me love is when you apologize simply because it hurts too much to have distance or silence between you.

To me love is that moment you realize you are standing on the edge of allowing yourself to be vulnerable and your heart seizes in your chest but you decide it’s worth the risk.

To me love is the possibility of unpredictable pain or sorrow.

To me love is the quirks that drive you crazy but you miss like crazy when they are away.

To me love is how much they makes you luagh and the feeling inside when you can make them laugh.

To me love is the list of things that you can’t wait to tell them because you haven’t seen them all day.

To me love is full disclosure, complete trust.

To me love is the most frightening, confusing, infuriating, and desirable experience I never want to feel again and never want to give up on.