The Rules for Reading

     Hello All (and by all I mean 5)!  I am sitting in my little loft in Davis, frantically trying to get enough homework done to survive another week at school.  I am reading a book for my negotiations class and as I am nearing the end, I am getting excited to have another book to add to my list.  Growing up, my dad taught my sisters and I certain rules about reading.  That's correct, we have rules and we live by them (as best we can anyway).  First rule: We were not allowed to start a new book until we had completed the book we were reading.  Second rule: keep a running list of the books you have read.  Third rule: the book cannot go on that list until you have read it entirely.  Now these may seem like good rules to teach your future OCD children, but there are some flaws.  I don't just mean that we waste valuable time reading a stupid book because we started, though that is unfortunate.
     This semester I have had several challenges with these rules.  First, I have listened to about 10 books on CD in the last year.  I love it.  It keeps me from road rage because I am stuck in traffic and counting the minutes I am unable to get my homework done.  It is also the only way I can get any "reading for pleasure" in to my law school life.  However, do I get to put them on the list?  I technically did not read them.  I do not like this gray area.
     I am also in a class for history PhD students this semester (a first for me) where I have learned that graduate students are assigned a book a week or more (usually 400-500) pages of academic history.  I knew I should drop the class when I realized what I had done but it was on slavery, history and the law.  So I stayed in the class. The truth is, there is absolutely no way I can read the entire book when I have 5 classes and they each have hundreds of pages a week.  So I asked the students how they do it.  They explained they read the introduction, chapter 1,  the conclusion and any chapters that apply to their "work" (they also only take 2-3 classes per semester).  So I have been attempting this.  I am not good at this because of the rules.  I need to read it all.  So I end up reading about 2/3 and getting behind in all my other classes, only to not be able to finish and then have to start a new book the following week.  It is killing me!  Not only am I braking the rules, I have rent 2/3 of about 10 books in the last 8 weeks and I can't put them on my list!!!  Every week I feel tortured by this situation.  I ALWAYS finish all my readings and all my books.
     I realize this is a ridiculous post and I apologize but I know my sisters read this blog and they will feel my pain and that is all that matters.

I'm Here!

Good morning world!
Today, I resolve once again to attempt to post more frequently.  It's been quite a summer.  My plan was to keep my work and school to a minimum so I could recover from a very difficult 2L year.  However, Amir got a job in Sacramento, CA and moved away during finals.  We agreed that I would apply to Berkeley School of Law and if I got in I would come live near him.  Otherwise, we tough out 1 year of long distance. So I applied with no hope of getting in and 2 days later, my summer became nothing like I planned.  Between my internship and my weekend job, I worked a ton. I packed everything I own, moved it into a storage unit, and lived with my sister's fiancé for 3 weeks. It has been a crazy ride this summer. I drove down here to live on Tuesday night. I have one box of clothes with me and my coffee maker. I still haven't figured out where I am going to live or registered for my classes.  My life is so unknown.  But once I opened the door with that application, I felt like I had to walk through it. Everything about this is extremely uncomfortable to me.  I think about running back home to the life I am comfortable with.  I feel vulnerable and afraid.  But this video (The Power of Vulnerability) is something that keeps me going most days.  Wish me luck!

Never Again.

If I had to do the last 10 months over again, I wouldn't do it.  Not for a million dollars.

Frozen

Akira was in town for spring break last week and we had a date night: Amir, Akira, me, Amir’s bomb nachos, and the movie Frozen.  I am not even gonna lie about it.  I was so sad when Amir and Akira went to see it without me in Texas.  I have been wanting to see it and my favorite munchkins at all seen it.  So when they invited me over for nachos and Frozen, I was ecstatic.  It was so good to see Akira, whom I have missed dearly and it was so fun to see the movie with her.

And can I just say how much I loved the whole sister dynamic of that movie?  Neither needed a man to save them.  I also found it fascinating a Disney movie threw out the “true love” card and then the guy was like, “just kidding, I’m evil.” Haha.  I wish I had seen a little more of that as a little girl.  But that is neither here nor there.  I just loved the sister relationship being in the spotlight.  Maybe it’s because I just love my sisters so much and I am glad to see Disney encouraging that relationship and not just romantic ones.  Maybe its just cause I miss my sisters a lot.  Either way, I was pretty happy about it.  And I hope soon I will be able to sing along like Akira can. J

Doing Work

If you would like to see a little tidbit on my work at the ACLU this semester, checkout the ALCU's Blog. :)

2nd Year: They Work the Hell Out of You

     I realize I have gone from regular blogging to rare posts.  It seems boring to say I am just so busy, though it’s true.  In all honesty, there have been times I wanted to post but I just don’t know what to say.  Who wants to hear about my classes and my internships or externships?  You know when people have kids and they just can’t talk about anything else?  People without children want to be encouraging and supportive but enough is enough.  I have found myself in those situations questioning, “do we just have nothing in common anymore?”  And those sweet parents explain that they are lost in a world of crying, teething, diapers, and first words.  They don’t have a lot else to offer and they don’t have time to stop and think about their inner thoughts or growth. 

     I think that’s a little similar to how I feel.  I know that people don’t want to hear about law school doctrines, case law, brief writing, or oral arguments.  On one too many occasions I have seen the eyes of friends and family glaze over as I try to share my life with them.  I don’t blame them.  It doesn’t make sense and it’s boring. 

     I have very little personal life to share and with my mental capacity completely spent, I can’t even think of funny quips or thoughtful comments to make the world think.  Life in law school has taken a toll on me.  In fact, it’s taken all of me: my time and my mind.  When I call it quits for the day, I want to sleep or turn my brain off.  I honestly don’t know how I feel about most things most days.  And I am too mentally and physically exhausted to figure out how I do feel.

     By no means do I want this post to come across as negative or complaining.  It is really just trying to explain the changes.  Today I focus on successfully surviving each day.  I love everything I am learning.  I am proud of how far I have come.  But it is a very challenging season of my life.  I just keep my eye on the prize and aim to succeed. There are these beautiful moments when I see progress, growth, or change.  There are even days when I feel proud of myself. But then I have to run to the next challenge. So please be patient with me.  There will be a time when I laugh more and my witty sense of humor will shine through again.  There may even be a day when I share my relationship of funny things my kids did that day. 

     Only 7 more weeks until I am done with my second year of law school! Hopefully I will have fun and exciting things to share this summer. J  Stay tuned.

Summer Update

Hello world!

I am very sorry to anyone who reads my blog in hopes of keeping up with my life.  I have been absolutely terrible at keeping everyone posted on the progress of my first year of law school so I will try to sum it up for you. 

I have completed my first year of law school!  Grades are in and I passed all my classes!  I was offered an awesome internship this summer with The Racial Disparity Project.  I am 8 weeks in to my 10 week internship and it has been extremely challenging.  While is has been an amazing learning experience and networking opportunity, it has been intense.  Many of the responsibilities and expectations have required me second year knowledge so I have been learning as much as I can as fast as I can but I have felt behind most of the time.  It is so worth it though! I am so impressed by the work that RDP is involved int.  It inspires and encourages me to keep going.

I am also taking a night class this summer.  It is Professional Responsibility and it is not too overwhelming, the professor is very engaging and he keeps me awake until 9:30, when the class ends.  The days are long and I am tired most days. 

I also started working at a coffee shop on the weekends so there is really no way to catch up on sleep then.  However, it is the one thing I feel good at!  I don’t have a huge learning curve and that is refreshing.

As for my personal life (lol.  You know, those OTHER three hours left in my week), I have been spending as much time as I can with my sweet man and his sweet daughter.  We have had some pool days and some park days and quite a few BBQs.  We hope to do some hiking and some camping as soon as school is out!  It has been great to spend time with them and soak up the beautiful weather we have been having!

I hope that this sufficiently updates you on the progress this crazy journey.  I will try to do better this year.  It has been so much harder than I could have ever imagined and survival is truly a major feat.  I will try to have as much fun as I can over the next month and get some pics up!  

Energy and Fire

Most days I feel tired.  I feel empty.  I feel like I have nothing left to give and I don’t know how I will make it through the day or attempt tomorrow.  Most days I feel like a failure.  I feel old and tired and worn.  Most days, I think I have pushed myself too hard for too long and I just don’t have what it takes anymore, if I ever did. 

And then there are these brief moments when someone else' thought slips through my ever focused and ever tired mind.  I get a glimpse of a dream.  The dream of a little girl with all the energy of youth and all the fire of life who doesn’t understand resistance.  She just wants one day to change the world.  She wants beauty and justice and truth. She doesn’t know the world will fight her every step of the way.  She doesn’t know life will be hard on her.  And that little girl chases the exhaustion and bitterness and negativity in my mind.  For a brief second I am overwhelmed by an emotion I can’t explain.  I know I am living the realization of that little girl's dream as I writ this Writ of Habeas Corpus or study the Constitution.  She doesn’t know what it is but she wants this.  And I want to give it to her.

Camping

In other news... I went camping with my boyfriend and his daughter and we had a blast!  

 The munchkin and I eating s'mores.

 The yurt.

 My awesome fire building skills kept us warm (thanks mom!)

 We went on a great day hike.

 She ate gummy worms the whole time. 

 We saw some rafters on the rapids and we decided that should be our next adventure!

 Doesn't this remind you of Fern Gully?

 Fungus.

To Do

In the last couple months, I (like all the other 1Ls) have been panicking about what to this summer.  Of course we self-absorbed law students are convinced that every decision we make is life altering and are terrified of making the wrong one.  We are constantly hearing about how challenging the job market is and how we need to have experience in order to be in the 20% that can get a job right out of law school.  We do this because we do not feel that we have enough stress in our lives and this is why I personally know students with bleeding ulcers and others who need to be medicated.
I will be honest, I have been letting this additional anxiety weigh on me as well.  However, I have been struggling with what I want to do.  I have plenty of experience with law firms but I really want to move into a direction that I would like to build my career on.  The problem is, I am not sure exactly what opportunities are out there that match my personal and career goals.  So what do I do?  I meet with lots of people trying to find something that sparks my interest.  So I haven't found a job, or an internship, or an externship.
On that note, I am going to a social justice retreat this weekend and I am excited about it.  It is about developing businesses to meet the needs that you see but for which there is not already a field for.  I think I am excited about that!  There is something that I have felt a pressing need for and I have felt this way for the last 6 or 7 years.  I have not found any organizations or businesses that meet this need and I think maybe it would be worth developing the idea.  However, I would probably still need some experience in a similar field.  I don't think I am ready to talk about my ideas but I am excited to see what the weekend holds.  Perhaps I will be inspired!  Wish me luck!

Who Do I Want to Be?

I have been thinking a lot lately about the kind of person I want to be.  As quickly as I am getting to know the people around me, they are morphing into “lawyers.”  I see people quickly changing around me and I sense changes in myself also.  While my confidence is growing in my ability to do this, the “fireball” (as my grandpa used to call me) inside of me has made several appearances in the last few weeks.  Many people may not know this about me but my family will tell you that I really get fired up about certain things, like “mother bear” fired up.  In law school, many see that as weakness.  Emotion is weakness.  And I have been mulling that over in my mind obsessively.  Last week, the best interest of a child was disregarded in a court of law and I became furious.  Furious!  I yelled at my friends because they were so busy telling me how the law works and why and policy and facts and everything else.  I told them that I am in all the same classes that they are so if they can’t take the moment to let me be truly angry with a broken aspect of the system, they need to stop talking to me.  I also became enraged when, in a mock client negotiation, the opposing team behaved very unethically rather than act professionally.

I am not saying there is anything wrong with my extraordinary and inspiring colleagues.  And I still believe in the judicial system.  The issue that has been surfacing is “who do I want to be?”  I am old enough and strong enough to know when my surroundings are attempting to mold me into something and only I will decide if I am going to become pliable to the shaping.  I love learning about the law.  I love learning how to find it, interpret it, work within the confines of it and I hope to one day be instrumental in furthering it.  However, I do not want to lose touch with who I am and why I am here.  I am not here to win.  I am not here for just the facts.  I am not here to separate myself from any emotional response.  I want to be the woman that cries for an unseen child.  I want to be the person who fights back against injustices.  I want to see the homeless man on the street and not just look the other way.  I want to believe a stranger’s story.  I want to keep the part of me that compelled me through the doors of SU Law in the first place.  I honestly believe I can be a good lawyer and an empathetic, passionate woman simultaneously.

Legal Writing

I used to think of myself as a good writer.  Whether I am or not is not even important.  I find writing inspiring and cathartic.  I enjoy putting my thoughts to paper.  I am not the best communicator in the world but if I can write it, if I can take the time to put the exact words together so it sounds just right as it seeps in to the mind, then I love to write.  I love to write in a way that has just enough humor and humility to make people willing to hear what they would not bother to listen to if I were passionately fumbling for words in their presence.
Legal writing is void of any creativity and even opinion.  They literally tell me exactly what to write and I do what they tell me and I still end up with a B?  I guess I am mediocre at following constraining instructions of how to construct bland information.
So because I have to get back to this life-draining memo, I spark the creativity and love for writing that still exists inside me.  This is the first thoughts of a short story or poem or something that has been swimming around in my head lately.
The command of her voice and the confidence in her step drew is eye.  There was honesty in her eyes and life in her stories.  He tread carefully as he felt for the first time in so long that he didn't want to frighten such a rare creature.  As she playfully answered his questions, he thoughtfully planned his steps.  Maybe, just maybe he had found his fish in this muddied pond.
Okay, back to rules and regulations.

Boot Camp

I am starting to understand that law school works much like boot camp.  They push you to a point of pure exhaustion and then continue to push.  Last week, I reach a point to where my response to everything was just "bring it on."  I didn't care what they through at me.  I performed a client interview, a negotiation, prepared for a mock trial, worked 5 hours at my job and read hundreds of text book pages.  I did what I never expected to be able to do simply because I had no other choice.  That is not even including the personal struggles that I had to weather.  I thought of it as my own personal boot camp.  So the update is, that I am still succeeding in law school.

This week I have a mock trial.  I never anticipated participating in a mock trial but here I am getting ready for it.  And I will do it.  Hopefully, I will feel that i successfully completed the experience.  Either way, I'm doing it.  keep me in your thoughts and prayers.  Specifically, pray that my health can keep up with this pace.  Thank you for the support and love, it means the world to me right now!

Mother Theresa: Dead or Alive

Something happened to me that I am unable to get out of my head.  As I was driving to my Amir’s house last Friday, I exited the freeway and came to a light.  An older woman came up to my passenger side window and as I rolled down my window a few inches (not far enough for her to reach in of course).  She told me that she was in need of a ride to dialysis and at a nearby hospital or she was going to be late.  I hesitated.  I didn’t know if this woman was safe.  This is a struggle I have had since I was a child.  I don’t consider myself a stupid woman but I have been told that in compassion, I have made some stupid decisions (unsafe to be exact).  I told the woman I was going to be late myself and I was sorry but I could not take her. 

As soon as I drove away this terrible guilt came over me.  Dialysis is a serious and necessary procedure.  If this woman truly was going to miss her dialysis appointment, could she die?  What if her bus never came and she was truly desperate.  I decided I would pick Amir up and come back to giver her a ride but when I arrived he was in a meeting.  I was so angry with myself.  I never wanted to be the person that didn’t take someone at his or her word and help when it is possible they need help.  I never wanted to become the kind of person that assumes every homeless person is only going to use any money I give him or her for drugs and therefore justify not giving at all.  And that is what I felt I had done.  I was struggling with safety v. compassion. 

Thankfully, there was a police officer parked in Amir’s apartment complex so I ran out and told him about the situation.  He told me that he thinks that woman is out there all the time but that he would go ask her if she needed a ride for my peace of mind.  I was relieved but still upset with myself.  Is there really a right answer?  Should I just forget about safety and do what Jesus would do?  Or should I remember that Jesus had foreknowledge of exactly when he was going to die?  I just don’t believe in choosing safety over compassion.  The choice I made wasn’t true to my own values, it was just the result of 30 years of being 5’3” and getting pushed around.  It was the result of 30 years of people telling me what is safe and what isn’t or getting in trouble for jeopardizing my safety.  It was the result of the news’ daily reminders that women in America are never safe.  It may also be a result of me watching too many episodes of Cold Case, Bones and Criminal Minds.  This conundrum is something that never seems to stop haunting me.  I am curious to here your thoughts on this issue.  Safety or compassion?  Why?

Part I, Round II

Well I am certainly not at the top of the class, but I didn't fail any of my classes.  I did okay.  So now we have Part I, Round II.  I can't say I am excited but I survived the first half so I should be able to survive the second half.

I had a great break though!  I made some money, got some rest, bought a new computer, and enjoyed some time with my wonderful boyfriend. :)  I wish it didn't have to end.  But it does.  I am pretty grateful for the memories, the rest, and a greater understanding of how blessed I am with love and support.

The end of an Era

As you know, I left my twenties behind this month and entered my thirties.  New Year's Day has always passed unnoticed in my life.  I set my goals for the New Year when I personally start my New Year, December 17th.  But as everyone discusses goals and wishes, I can't help feeling like this is an end of an Era.  This year, my life changed in a big way.  change is a constant occurrence in my life.  School, work and relationships are pass me like street lights.  The difference this year is that in the past, I felt like circumstances have, changed people have changed, jobs have changed, and even I have changed.  This year feels different.  I can't entirely describe it, except to say that this year, my life has changed.  It is a more definite, all-encompassing change.  It feels more complete.  I feel like my past is ending and my future is beginning.  I am living a new life and letting go of the old one.  I am okay with that.  There is nothing in my past I want to hold on to (well..except that I never seem to be able to stop coming back to LLF for the occasional visit. :)  I can't pinpoint what it is that makes me feel this resolution but I feel it. 

So to you I say Happy New Year!  Cheer up because life is beautiful, full of surprises and you never know which day will begin the rest of your life. :)

30 Years

Well world, I did it.  I made it through my first semester of law school.  I lived.  I wont' know my scores until sometime in January and I don't care to think about it.  I rested for a couple of days and on Monday, I turned 30.  That's right, I entered a new decade. It was scary to think about but it was the best birthday I have had in 24 years. :)  My boyfriend spoiled me.  The truth is, just remembering it at all would have had me elated but he did more than remember, he bought me a gift and took me out to a wonderful dinner.  I got to talk to everyone in my family, I got a massage, and I got breakfast with my good friend Des.  I was relaxed (perhaps still in shock) and just thoroughly enjoyed the day. 

 

My Brain Hurts

Today, I am at a breaking point.  I have completed 3 out of 5 classes and I feel like I cannot learn or remember one more thing.  This program is nuts.  We spend an average of 12 hours a day, six days a week learning tons of crazy information for 16 weeks.  Then when finals come, they are spaced 3 days apart.  That means, we have 72 hours to review, synthesize and memorize 4 months of information for a 4 hour final.  This is no joke.  My criminal law textbook is 1200 pages and we covered ALL of the information in it.  I will have 72 hours to cram 1200 pages of information, legal concept and cases into my tiny little, forgetful brain and beg Jesus to keep it in there for me.  No wonder lawyers can be such assholes.  They are as bitter as ex-prisoner who had to be some other man's boyfriend.  Anyway, my brain is so tired and in my civil procedure class, I (along with the rest of my class) learned little to nothing from the professor so I have 72 hours to clear up all the confusion of the last 4 months.  At this point I am ready to throw my hands up in the air, scream "f* it!" drink a bottle of wine and watch movies that make me cry.

I know, I know, "these are the moments that make us stronger" or "it's moments like these that you have to keep pushing, you're almost there"  blah blah blah.  I know.  But what I am telling you is, if my brain could vomit like a stomach, there would be brain spew all over this computer.  I am genuinely concerned about cerebral hemorrhaging.  I shoulda been a shepherd.

Breathe, Stretch, Shake

I turned in my final paper for Legal Writing on Sunday and took my first law school final exam on Tuesday.  I have three more and then I can stare at a wall for four months.  I can't really, I have a lot of work to do in those four weeks to make up for the hours I haven't been able to put in during this semester.  When I finished my exam, there was a brief moment of relief: breathe, stretch, shake and on to Contracts.  I am so out of energy and will power and patience but I have to make every minute count until it's over.  I will be honest, this is the hardest thing I have ever done.  It is hard EVERY SINGLE DAY.  It is nearly impossible to find a balance.  It is consuming.  I have the best boyfriend and I just have so little time for him.  I have a great job and I can never put the hours in that I need to.  I miss my amazing friends and family.  Every fear and insecurity I have rears it's ugly head at me every day.  It is a battle just to believe that I can do this much less do it.  I am right where I have always wanted to be but this life I chose is not an easy one.  I am still fighting for my dreams and my destiny but it really is a fight.  Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers folks.  Also, I just want to say thank you to my boyfriend.  You have been such an amazing support and I am thankful for you every day.  This would be so much harder without you reminding me that I am usually overreacting.  ; )

Final Stretch

I have two days of classes left in this semester.  Then, I have two weeks of finals.  I have 0 motivation left.  The list of things I have to do is miles long and I just hit this wall where I can't make my mind do what it is supposed to.  I have only about 16 days left and what I need to do is to man up and put every last ounce of energy and mind power I have into it and all I want to do is watch movies on the couch with my boyfriend.  Not good folks.  keep me in your thoughts and prayers.